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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of

The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.
Sunday June 26, 2005 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey there Faggots! It’s me, your online wrestling friend, leader, spiritual advisor in the ways of the jesus, and provider of informations, Canadian Bacon!!!! Ya!!!!11

Anyways, I’ve been kinda sorta absent lately because this time of year is brutal in the statuette selling world, and as such I haven’t really had a lot of time to come on and tell you what to like and why your opinions are mostly wrong. But that’s all changed!!! I’m back! (and not just because I was fired for making love to a commemorative doll house I was supposed to deliver - only without sperm and love inside!). So rest assured, your life now has direction again and the big huge void you feel  within is about to be filled with MY knowledge - but not love, because your kinda ridiculously unattractive! (someone had to say it!).

For the last year I’ve been telling yous guys how much of a BIGTIME Insider I am, but there’s still a lot of doubting tom's (and other names) out there who refuse to accept that I’m kinda better than they are and know A LOT  more stuff about the wrestling industry than they EVER could. (For example, I’ll predict that this Sunday at Vengeance, in the triple threat match between John Cena, Christian & Y2J, someone is DEFINITELY walking out as WWE Champion. Mark my words. It WILL Happen!). Heck I’m so Inside, my last name might as well be McMahon!!!111 (and like Vince, my Balls are also the size of grapefruits (and startling) - but unlike Vinnie Mac, it’s on the account of my medical calamity that those of my fans who’ve read my columns know all about  and keep telling me they're trying to desperately forget! (They look like two old volleyballs covered in glue & hair!).).

Anyways, since obviously yous guys need to obviously be schooled yet again, I’ve decided to once again prove why I’m TWF’s best and most respected journalist, as once again, I’ve taken time out of counting things and playing with my dink to contact several of the wrestling world’s biggest stars (my friends and comrades) and ask the TOUGH answers that people like the Dave Meltzer are too afraid to ask on the account that they're not muscley, limber and fleet of foot like myself.  It’s clear to see why I am so respected in this industry. So enjoy or be a faggot.

JBL

Dear JBL

First and foremost I have to say I'm one of your biggest fans. (not literally, I'm a svelte 140 lbs.). In fact I've recently taken it upon myself to pattern my life after you. I read your book several times, almost finishing it all 3, and I'm happy to say that I now I have a mason jar filled with Canadian loonies as a result. I've also been inspired by your limo, and decided to make some slight modifications to my own vehicle... as I've fastened some moose antlers to the front of my ten speed bicycle. The only problem though is I keep tipping over and blowing out the ass on my pants and ppl take this as an invitation to spread their gayness. Not good.

Anyways, as you can prolly tell, I'm Canadian, and even though you're an American and we're better, I feel we have a great deal in common. Well, except I still live with my Mom, am dirt poor, a terrible athlete, and have very little in the way of natural charisma. Other than that though, I feel like we're pretty much identical. In fact, I have a feeling that one day you'll prolly be the president of your United States, and I have no doubts that I'll be elected Prime Minister of Canada, and from there I hope our two countries can have good relations and such. As a peace offering, I'll even give you the Nunavut territory - which is called that because Nunavut is worth anything! (although, those Eskimos are REAL hard workers, and you'll find that they work for a lot cheaper than Mexicans and don'y try to escape as often because the arctic ocean's a harder swim!).

Anyways, now that we're bigtime buds, I was wondering if you could answer me three questions that have been plaguing me since ...about 3:30 pm this afternoon:

1) You're always saying "it's morning again in America!" so I was wondering, are American days longer than our Canadian days and is this why you apparently hardly ever see mornings there that much?

2) I know you call your finishing move "the clothesline from Hell". So my question is this: When were you in Hell to learn this complicated maneuver? And if this is true, do devils and demons utilize this move often, 'cause I gotta say that I was always told it'd just be a lot of fire and pedophiles there, not stiff lariats! If this is the case, I think I need to clean up my act a little bit cause I don't want to end up there. The heat may be welcome (I'm from Saskatchewan) but I doubt I could take that many flying clotheslines! I better get to Church more - and stop being a rapist!

3) I remember in 2001 you said that we should turn Afghanistan into a parking lot and I agree. But then I gots to thinking... Isn't that a pretty long commute? I mean, I imagine the ferry ride alone to get your car would take upwards of two days from here, and I don't know about you, but I doubt I'd be allowed to show up that late for work. Even if it was a pretty swank parking spot. So, I guess my question is this: Do you think there's maybe a closer place filled with undesirables that we could drop the nuclear bomb on and create a parking lot? Like New Jersey maybe?

Ok then, thanks for your time, Champ, and P.S., if you ever need a new secretary of defense, I'm your man. I may not be a good fighter, but I know some really cool hiding spots!

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
"Has more money now" (about 35 Canadian dollars) thanks to JBL and his advice!

CHRIS JERICHO

Dear Y2J.

My name is Canadian Bacon, and I'm pretty much known as Canada's premier wrestling INSIDER. (I once knew a guy who shat in Keith Hart's fireman's helmet, so I think I know what I'm talking about!) Anyways, I was wondering why you named so many moves after Lions. I mean take the lion-sault; can Lions even moonsault? I'd imagine their sheer mass and bulk would prevent them from ever completing a full somersault. Although I'll admit I could be wrong. (I only have slight biocological training ). And if I am, I definitely need to get to the circus and find out for myself. (and if the lions can moonsault, I can only imagine what the monkeys could do! Maybe full on 450 splashes and such? Hey, could happen!)

Anyways, my point is, since you’re Canadian, you should seriously think about renaming your moves after Canadian animals, which are clearly more dangerous. (Besides Lions aren’t even indigenous to Manitoba so it’s just silly.). I mean, just think of the possibilities! How about the dreaded Moose knuckle? Or renaming the lionsault the Spilt Beaver? Heck you could even rename yourself Y2eh in honour of your great Canadian heritage! It would be AWESOME and only go to add credibility!!!11

Anyways, I also noticed you're a huge metal fan and your band Fozzy has in the past covered some great tunes, but my question is this, how bout re-embracing your Canadian heritage and covering some Anne Murray or RITA MacNEIL?! Hey, those people in the crowd at those "Rita and friends" specials seemed STOKED. And hey, don't let the muumuus and unnerving morbid obesity fool you, RITA CAN ROCK THE HOUSE, and I have no doubt that if the situation called for it, she could belt out some Halloween or Def Leppard - and then eat them, bones and all. And also, I don't think I need you to sell you on the vocal prowess of one Anne Murray (she sings to my soul), who is the Madonna of Canada, only without the penchant for dirtiness and having unsightly sex with the negroes!

Anyways my point is this, I imagine as big as Fozzy has become, yous guys can only get HUGER if you branch out and sing some more easy listening music! Just think, electric guitars could be replaced by the charm of a simple ukulele! Bass drums can be replaced with an all purpose triangle, or god help us, a xylophone! Heck, if that Yanni guy can sell out that popadopolis over in Greece, imagine what kind of numbers yous guys could pull in at Ontario Place? (a clearly more historically significant building if you ask me). But you don't have to listen to me, although I do fancy myself somewhat of a music expert (I once stole a hot roll off Harry Bellefonte’s restaurant table while he was in the bathroom so don't doubt my credentials), but regardless, good luck on both your careers even if one earns you no money whatsoever and is a waste of time!

Anyways Chris, good luck and remember, this Sunday, the "moose- knuckle" is your key to victory!

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
Still thinks lions can’t moonsault.

RODDY PIPER

Dear Roddy Rowdy Piper

My name is Canadian Bacon and I’m a bigtime fan. My favorite match of yours was the one where you poked that guy in the eye.

Anyways, I recently saw a video from the HBO where you claimed you had "the sickness." Did you mean AIDS? 'Cause I can’t imagine why WWE would fire you over something like that! Even if that does explain why you always wear a dress and play with pipes! But I'm not judging. I have an uncle who's a faggot so I understand your gay woes and feel your plight, and just that, pervert. (I shoulda seen it coming the way you always hung out with a pantsless cowboy all the time!).

Anyways, I’d like to say, good luck on your dying slowly and complete breakdown of your immune system, Mr. Piper. And maybe look into that Superfly Snuka. He's already a murderer if the french are to be believed, so I imagine maybe he may have gave you one of those strange tropical diseases last time you wrestled. (you know vindictive those savages can be with their shoelessness , tree climbing and murdering of girlfriends!).

P.S. Why don’t you have a Scottish accent if you’re from Glasgow?

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
I also painted myself half black once in hopes that my penis would look bigger. No dice though.

ROB VAN DAM

Dear RVD

My name is Canadian Bacon, and I’m one of your biggest fans. In fact, In honour of your record-setting "Van Dam-lift" I recently invented the "Canadian Bacon-lift" where I sat cross legged on the floor and lifted two FULL bags of groceries SHOULDER LEVEL from that position, BAGUETTES AND ALL. (I’ve yet to hear from the Guinness people, however.)

Anyways, I have a question. Is there a special school or program I can take to get my feet smarter? (JR always says you have educated feet). I've always found that my feet were somewhat lagging behind scholastically and certainly not at the academic level that the rest of my appendages are, and I'd like to improve myself (I'm not talking about like doing calculus with my toes or anything just basically raising my foot IQ to a reasonable level). Any answers yous might have for me would be appreciated!

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
I once tried Marijuana, but I never exhaled.

JOHN CENA

Dear John Cena

First of alls, congrats on being the WWE champion. I also am very impressed that with all the time you spent on the road wrestling and rapping, you also had time to become a Doctor of Economics. MAN. Knowledge of advanced marketing AND PHAT beats, too? That’s AWESOME!

Anyways, I’m just emailing you to say that you’ve changed my whole life. I’ve recently decided to remake my entire self over like yourself, and I have to say my Saskatchewan street-cred has increased one-fold as a result. A year ago, the only throw backs I knew about were the big mouthed bass my government forced me to toss back into the fresh water after catching them, (Isn’t it just like that ministry of fisheries to interfere with the hip-hop lifestyle?), so thanks for that.

Btw, you’ll be happy to know that I too am in the process of creating my OWN spinner belt that I personally handmade from the top of a KFC chicken barrel, that I then stapled onto one of my mom’s Ascot dicky’s, that was then completely covered by the work of the world famous Bedazzler (as seen on TV infomercials). I have never felt more Gangsta in my life, and I have you to thank, John. Maybe one day we can cut a rap record together? (I’ll be the Rapper known as "Tapioca Pudding").

But ‘til then, please critique the following freestyle if you could:

My name is C to the B and my balls are big

That's Bacon, Canadian Bacon, cut straight from the pig.

I’m the real deal, Yo, and I’keepin’ it real

I bust up the funk to Rita MacNeil.

I bringin the rhymes like they was sweet salt water bass

I’ll come down on your mukluk wearin’, Eskimo ass.

I like to drink lotsa beer and  take poops on things

You don’t wanna mess with this Hog cause they like bee stings

WORD.

Ok, clearly that was kinda awesome, but I’d like to get your two cents anyway. (but please, don’t steal this. It’s a CB original.)

Anyways, thanks for your time John, and next time your in Saskatchewan, maybe you can get my autograph.

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
Will join you in pumping up your shoes the moment they make inflatable rain boots!

TRISH STRATUS

Dear Trish Stratus,

First of all I must say, I’m a HUGE fan of yours. And I’d like to say thank you for stayin’ true to your Canadian heritage and such - even if you are from Toronto which is basically kinda like America, only with cleaner, less stinky people with better manners and less hispanics.

Anyways, I noticed a few years ago at Wrestlemania you had a Canadian flag on your bum. I was wondering if you could turn me on to where someone could get that done? (besides prison). See, I’m a huge and big time Canadian patriot myself, and I can’t think of a more appropriate place to show what we think of our great nation than to wear our flag on our assholes. The only problem is my buttocks are ridiculously misshapen and quite puzzling, and I’d personally prefer to emblazon the maple leaf on a pair of MC Hammer style balloon pants instead. That way, I can at least show my patriotism and still have the mobility to cut some of my patented swank dance moves (I’ve been called a white Fred Aistaire), and also take shits with comfort  dignity and without the threat of accidentally filling the spandex pouch with running shame.

So thanks, and also, kudos on your chick kick; it seems to have broughten you some great luck. (I recently adopted a Man-kick and have been testing it out on small children and the elderly, and I have to say, it’s coming along GREAT. (only 3 staths so far!)).

Thanks for your time, Trish!

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
P.S., Have you noticed that "stratusfaction" sounds A LOT like Satisfaction? I just thought you’d like to know.  Might be confusing for sum ppl!

RAVEN

Dear Raven

First of all, big time congratulations on being the new NWA Champion, and King of the Mountain...even though my boss tells me there are no mountains in Florida where that was taped, but whatever, I’m not here to argue even though I'm right.

Anyways, I need your bigtime help. I’ve always admired your character and have decided to adopt a similar persona for myself. The only problem is I always wanted to take on the moniker of a dark and mysterious bird too, but all I could come up with was "BUDGIE" and people don't seem to be reacting too positively to it. (Even after I unload my patented "Budgie-effect"). So my question is, can you think of a bird I too can emulate? I already have the teared pants, fat friend I torment, and psychology down, and all I need is the bird. Any help you can give me would be tolerated.

P.S., Just out of the big time curiousity, why do you say "nevermore" after "Quote the Raven" when you just keep quoting the Raven again and again? Is this a complicated riddle I'm not getting? Perhaps it will all become clearer when I become… Macaw? I don’t know.

Thanks for your time, Raven.

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
Quotes The Raven Nevermore All the time.

THE HURRICANE

Dear Hurricane

First of alls, I have to say you're WAY cooler than ANY of the other superheroes. (And I keep it touch with A LOT of superheroes. Well, except Aqua Man, but I think that's on the account that phone and/or mail service is virtually impossible 50,000 leagues beneath the sea due to cord length and a lack of service providers not imploding during installation). Anyways, while they have super strength, speed, and cool gadgets, they DO NOT possess the ability to unload complicated Lucha offense at a drop of a hat, so for that I think yous got the definite advantage. So masks off to you there (HAHA, see what I did there?)

Anyways, even though I've pretty much conquered the glamourous world of door to door Pewter statuette salesmanship (my current vocation), I've always wanted MORE. And that’s where you come in. Rosey seems to have come a long way under your tutelage, and as such *I’d* like to join the fray. Do you need another sidekick? Because in my ever so humble opinion, I possess many of the big time attributes that would make me a GREAT superhero. First of alls, I actually possess the healing prowess of Wolverine. Check this out: about a week ago I got a mosquito bite on my arm and I scratched it and now just ONE WEEK later, the scab fell off as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED! I'm COMPLETELY HEALED!!! And besides, people are always telling me I'm S.H.I.T., so I think clearly it's my destiny.

But I’ll understand if it’s impossible. But until then, I’ll be in my fortress of solitude (That I share with my Mom here in Saskatchewan) anxiously awaiting your decision.

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
I may not have X-ray vision,  but I’ve always done reasonably well on the letter chart at the optometrist’s office, so I think I’m more than qualified to be a super hero.

HEIDENREICH

Dear Heidenreich

My name is Canadian Bacon and I understand you’re looking for new friends. If you don’t mind me saying, maybe yous having such a hard time finding friends because you don’t seem to ever wear pants? This is something I too am far too familiar with and it’s sad. I never understood why so many people seemed terrified of me just because I refused to wear pants and take my erect penis out and run toward them with it. It’s just that my testicles were enormous and I find heavy fabric too binding and always preferred to be unfettered. But unfortunately, society's convictions have forced me into a pair of corduroys… but it was ultimately for the best; as now,  I have more friends then I can count (I lost count at about 4).

So, just a free bit of advice. Pants = Friends. (and no jail time or sexy misunderstandings). Who’d have thunk it?

Thanks for your time, Heidenreich, and as per your request on WWE.com, I’ve enclosed my photo here. Feel free to call me a friend! (but just make sure you’re wearing pants when you do as I'm no faggot!).

P.S. Where does one acquire a huge chocolate bar like you had on the SmackDown? I'd really like to know cause I gots me a big time sweet tooth (it would be "sweet teeth" but remember I'm from Western Canada) and have always had the theory that if I eat enough oversized food, in turn I myself will grow to giant proportions, and my penis would no longer produce so many hurtful giggles amongst the ladies and small animals I seduce.

Thanks for your time, Mr. Heidenreich.

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
Wears pants and has friends.

MATT HARDY

Dear Matt Hardy

I’m proud to say I’m one of your biggest MF’ers (you’re prolly the only person I’d allow to call me a motherfucker though!)

Anyway, I’m just emailing to say I know what you’re going through. I too have recently had my heart broken. I thought I had met the perfect woman over the internet, and I was making big plans to meet her in hopes of putting my dink in her last winter (I had been wearing a condom for two weeks straight just to be ready to go), but it turned out it was just some guy named Carl who was an auto mechanic out of Detroit. And even though Carl seemed to have considerable knowledge of the combustion engine and could prolly save me a bundle on car repairs, I decided to break the whole thing off. Anyways, it was just HORRIBLE and my trust was completely BROKEN. This is definitely the last time I ever trust anyone on the Net again (unless they’re hot).

Anyways, in my sorrow I’ve decided to learn from your big time example and became a vigilante of justice, turning my pain into something productive. And just the other day, I saw a man take ALL the change out of the ‘take a penny’ dish at the front of Shoppers Drug Mart, so being the Good Samaritan I am, I chased the guy down, stole his wallet, and beat him to death. I felt so good. I was just glad I could make a difference, you know? Thanks for the inspiration and alias!

Anyways, don’t let this Lita and Edge thing get you too down. After all, Edge will get his one day. (With all those giant teeth imagine how much his dentist bill must be! Prolly cost him all his money in the bank!! hahahahaha!).

Take care Matt, and run over some Diva posters for me sometime, Canadian Bacon, your favourite Motherfucker!

Sincerely,
Canadian Bacon.
Looking for Mrs. Right on the internet, so long as they don’t have a penis and plan to rape me.

THERE YOU ALL GO!!11 As I am so respected, revered, and respected some more, I fully expect to hear back promptly and quickly even from these stars. And when I do, I’ll be sure to post the responses here if only to prove how kinda sorta awesome I am and how when I say I'm gonna do something, I say it.

bacon.jpgSo, that's that, queers. And remember you can’t spell "Credibility" without Canadian Bacon and other letters.

Consider this Bacon brought.

CB.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).