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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.


Sunday May 1, 2005 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey there faggots, it's your favourite writer north of the border and south of heaven itself, and clearly someone who is considered the mostest important person in the EVER: CANADIAN BACON!!!! Ya!!!111

Anyways, last time I left yous guys I was on my way to Los Angeles to represent TWF, Canada, and infinite knowledge of grappling and those who grapple. You know, Wrestlemania! - the grandmother of them all and prolly the biggest pay-per-view ever!!!!11 Anyways, as it turns out, the Juno awards (Canada’s version of your Grammy Awards, only without so many  black people, talent and production values) were airing the same night, so I decided to stay in my hotel room, play with my dink a bit, and catch that instead. After all, the magic of Hulkamania's return pails in comparison to the ENERGY and ELECTRICITY brought about when one ANNE F'N MURRAY took centerstage after a plethora of nameless Indians! Great stuff and an unforgettable night that unfortunately I don't remember too much about.

Anyways, I was hoping that I'd still be able to get to the staples center in time for Wrestlemania, too, but unfortunately tragedy struck. As I was masturbating to a Joan Rivers infomercial on big earrings, and was in desperate need of some lube for less friction, (it had been a dry March, and my right hand is inordinately proportioned like child's catcher's mitt), unfortunately, the only thing I had lying around was some tartar sauce from the fish & chips I had for supper, and I accidentally rubbed the horse radish into my pisshole and it swelled completely closed, and soon my dink expanded until it looked like half a baby's arm holding a wet tennis ball, backing up all my natural precious liquids into my stomach and/or internal organs.  It was horrible.  I went home soon after that, wearing a pair of splash pants pulled up to my nipple (don't ask) in the case my sloshing dink (that by this point looked the Michelin man made out of damp towels) would suddenly burst. Luckily I was ok, though, finally took a monster leak in some woman's carryall pouch on the bus that came out like dumping a full bottle of faygo into a children's swimming pool, and headed back to God's country of canada with my dignity in tact and my dink in one piece (other than now having a penishead the size of the Legion of Doom's underwater headquarters.).

My biggest regret though, other than missing the Wrestlemania experience, and other than actually paying that prostitute so that black guy in the hall didn't break my knees with a cane with a fish in it , was that I didn't get into any turf wars while I was in Los Angeles. I had been playing GTA San Andreas for about 4 days straight so I think I'm pretty much ready for anything "the street" could've brung! Besides, knives and guns don't work on Canadians. It's a known fact. It's why we haven't lost ... or fought in... any wars in 60 years. UNDEFEATED!!!111

ASK BACON ANYTHING!

CANADIAN BACON ANSWERS YOUR TERRIBLE QUESTIONS.

I have been outta the loop for a couple of weeks here and such, and a few things have gone down in my sport since then. But, being the super duper insider I am, I coulda just talked about these things anyway, but since I’m somewhat of a big time Internety celebrity type, I figured I’d instead open it up to my millions of baconfans. I tried this once before and it was so successful (4 ppl and counting!), so I thought it time I bring it back! Ya!!!

Unfortunately, a few people who’ll remain nameless like Payne McCloudy didn’t take things 2 seriously and this saddened me with sadness. After all, you didn’t hear too many people peoples cracking wise when the jesus was preaching on the mount of pickles, right? Same thing. (only I’ve yet to master the power of healing. Although I’m pretty close. I blessed a scab on my cousin Madison’s leg the other night, and three days later it fell off! MIRACULOUS!!)

Anyways, the only criteria for these questions is that A) you don’t ask me about Eskimos (I have my reasons)  and B) That’s it!

So, let’s get to it! Your kinda gay questions (sorry it’s true) and my incredibly intelligent and big time insightful answers! Ya!

What do you think of Vince McMahon for returning so soon after blowing two quads?

HE BLEW QUADS? That’s terrible! HOW DARE VINCE SEXUALLY INSULT CRIPPLED PEOPLE LIKE THAT! Performing forced fellatio on a person who can’t move their arms and legs is not something that should be condoned unless they're asleep and can't tell anyone. I guess if they was blindfolded and gagged that might be ok, too, but come on! It’s mean. Sure paralyzed people aren’t really human anymore, and I think the person who helps change them should maybe also have the option to slip a quick dink since its tough work and they're kinda dead inside anyway, but still! Shame on Vince, and shame on you for condoning the big time violation of the handicapped and useless! TERRIBLE!

What is your opinion of Ring Of Honor? And have you ever seen a scramble match?

I LOVED Ring Of Honor. Especially that Gollum guy! “My Precious! Give me the precious!” That movie was so cool and actually reminded me of Canada, eventhough there's more strange man-like creatures living in scary places here (Indians). In fact, I’m in the bigtime process of fashioning my own ring that’ll no doubt possess similar dark and awesome powers! Of course I’m talking about the One Ring of Bacon forged in the hot springs of Banff’s lush natural parks! It’s awesome and will make me invisible eventhough I kind of already am to the ladies! (What gives?!).

As for these alleged and so-called scramble matches, I just don’t understand this. Who’d pay to see wrestlers making eggs? I expect fast paced action when I buy a ticket, not someone whipping up a hot breakfast. How silly. Of course this does explain why there was always frying pans under the ring during hardcore matches.

What have you heard about Kevin Nash's Staph infection?

Well, I have no idea what a steph infection is (I only have basic medicular training learned from many hours of removing comically giant wrench-shaped bones during spirited games of Operation) but I guess if I had to guess, it’s prolly from having sex with Stephanie McMahon, prolly leant to him by good friend and fellow Clunk member, HHH, who himself doesn't mind cause he secretly prefers the company of ladies with micro-penises anyway (and who doesn't?). Some friends are good like that.  (I once stabbed my friend Julius’s girlfriend in the eye with my erect member during a game of unplanned and unwanted Twister, but that’s as close as *I* got to the intercourse of her area.)

Anyways,  I mentioned my theory of this Steph infection to evil taskmaster (minus the cool fat guys in facepaint) sean Carless and that henry Simon guy and they said the side effects include terrible writing, booking and appearing on TV far too much. This obviously means Kev is safe. (Thank god).

That said, though, just in case, take it easy, Kev (if at all possible) and slow down.  This is your life we're talking about! Try not to over-exert yourself, and if you can, do nothing at all. Maybe if ur lucky they'll actually pay you to be lazy and not put anyone over ever! (fingers crossed!).

What do you think of Hulk Hogan's big comeback?

To be honest, I’m worried for Hulk. Those two Arab Americans (and where exactly is this Arab America? I can’t seem to find it on a map ANYWHERE) seem tough, especially that Muhammad Hassan who has mastered the CAMEL CLUTCH. And I imagine that anyone who can wrangle such a large animal into a chinlock has to be one tough customer even if he charges too much for magazines and lettuce in his store and prolly sends the money he makes off of those shrink-wrapped sandwiches to terrorists.

i think Hulk's best course of action is to finally bring those 24 inch pythons he's always talking about but we've never seen and hope they bite those guys and kill them.

Where do you stand on the Lita/Edge/Matt Hardy situation?

Now I know why Lita always wears a thong! Its quite comfortable and stylish! But that aside, if you believe everything sean and that Henry Simon say, having sex with Lita would be a lot like dropping a hotdog off a cliff, catching it, and then putting it in her giant vagina (I may have screwed the joke up). And youd think that’d bother me but it doesn’t. I’d still have sex with lita if only because some of those luchadors DNA should still be in there somewhere, (along with masks, tassles and boots), and eventually, through the bigtime osmosis, I’m thinking this could maybe turn me into quite the accomplished high flier. (But if not, I can just wear those masks to rape ppl and have no one recognize me.).

What do you think of Ultimate Warrior's controversial comments (Queering Don’t Make The World Work)?

Well, I don’t know too much about homosexuals (there are none in Saskatchewan) but I think I have to disagree somewhat with Warrior’s claims that “Queering don’t make the world work.” Sure it doesn’t create a lot of jobs world wide, but it certainly does in the fashion industry. Man those fruits can sew good.

But seriously, as much as I respect Warrior and love to clothesline ppl, I have to admit his comments on gays were kinda insensitive. Silly Warrior, faggots are people too and deserve respect. If they want to be ridiculous and fruity and have incoming traffic on a body part only meant to push out similar shaped objects that's their prerogative. BACON IS PRO-FAGGOT, and believes in total tolerance and i'll fight anyone and force my will on ayone who disagrees with me.

Have you ever been in the ring?

Have !?! Of Course! There is nothing quite like coming out before a bunch of screaming fans….and wiping the wrestlers sweat off the ropes! It’s all adrenaline, baby! (I served as the chief rope wiper for Stampede wrestling for the entire summer of 1989 until I was fired for trying to steal Bruce Hart's enormous sun-glasses.)

Rope wipers sadly go bigtime unappreciated and never get the credit they so rightly deserve. Without us, the wrestlers could fall down, die, and maybe even have their shoes fall off. Not good. It’s tragic. I’ve seen it with my own eye (It would by “eyes”, but sadly, I once squirted my ammonia solution into my pupils and now I can only make out vague shapes and see the future.).

What's your take on the ECW PPV?

I’m looking forward to it. I’m just upset I can’t *officially* be a part of it. Back in 2000, I told Balls Mahoney at an autograph signing that one day we’d form an awesome tag team. My name would be Dink O’Doyle, and we’d be AWESOME.  Sometimes I get sad thinking about just how far Dink and Balls could go, but not really.

Why are you such a clueless putz? If you are such an "insider", who is your source? And, do you really think you can keep up with me?

(This question was asked by the very jealous Payne Macloudy)

I'll gather by your last comment that you’d like to throw down with the baconman. Lucky fer you I cant afford a bus ticket to bumfuck Ontario or youd be witnessing my THUNDERPUNCH first hand!!!!! (I once legit knocked out a small child with it so I have no doubts youd be airborne like the noble and graceful Loon, which is the symbolic bird of Canada, land that I love!).  It’s a good thing you’re already trained how to fall, this I can assure you! 

However, if what you meant by “keeping up with me” was a good old fashioned foot race, I apologize. But sadly, I can’t race anymore. I suffer from a medicular condition known as scrotus giganticus and as such it weighs me down, reducing my once Flash-like speed to that of the gentle tortoise. (my balls these days resemble the netted bag of regulation basketballs found in most junior high schools). Sorry to say.

To answer your second question about my bigtime sources though, I have MANY - some of which tell me things, know me, and even actually exist. Don’t question my cresidentenstials mister, they’re impeccable! (I once knew a guy who shit in Keith Hart’s fireman’s helmet, so I think I know what I’m talking about.).

Are your parents brother and sister? (this question was asked by Michael Meltzer from this site)

That’s just cruelty right there. I never even knew my father. He died two years before I was born. I’d think someone who’s the son of Dave Meltzer, online wrestling demigod, would be more sensitive and jewish.

Richard Waters from this very site emailed me these three questions:

A)  Why are you so Coolio McAwesome?

I think you have me confused with someone else. I’m not Coolio (Whom I had no idea was actually Irish (the black Irish?). Amazing!) But I have been known to cut a PHAT beat. Check this shit out, yo:

“My name is the Bacon; my feet are a achin from these rhymes I’m makin;

I’m the real deal, yo, cause my balls are huge, I represent S to the K, in the sport known as Luge. Word."

Top that. I dare you.

B) How much are your pewter statues?

They range in price, from  $19.95 to prolly $39.95 - from which I usually get a commission of about 15 cents, which of course allows me to keep the big time swanky lifestyle I’m accustomed to in my garage/apartment. But it’s not all glitz and glamour in the world of pewter and commemorative franklin mint collectables. It’s actually very hard work, and as mentally tough as it is physically tough. It’s a lot like workin in the bomb squad prolly, only rather than explosives and such it's heavy metal plates with pictures of Che Guevara on them.

 I can’t tell you how many people have been completely broke by this big time pressure. Sometimes I can still hear the screams. It's usually me during casual shorts day, and I sit on 2/3rds of my scrotum,  but it does have its perks working there.  In my experience, Women can’t seem to resist a man with a burlap sack full of metal dolphins! (the trick is knocking them out with them without killing them outright.).

C) What staffer @ the Wrestling Fan do you think could one day be half the man (aka twice the person they are!) you are and become the "next top guy"?

Well, since you’re the only one who’s been nice to me on this staff, I’ll say you Dick Waters. I’ll remember this kindness when I run this site by the end of the year and segue that bigtime success into my campaign of ruling this world. Stick with me buddy, I'll show the ropes (then teach you how to properly wipe them down).

Do you have any comments on Chris Candido's death?

I just read about this and couldn't help but suspect that perhaps Barry Horrowitz had something to do with it. I’m sad to see Skip check out, though, especially since he was so nice to let his friends have sex with his girlfriend so much whilst not benefitting at all whatsoever career-wise.

I also read a tribute by his brother online somewhere but he signed it Johnny or some strangeness. I have no idea why he’d change his name from Zip. Weird.

Here's to you, Skip. Perhaps in heaven you can reform that tag team that never was with Rad Radford and then wait for the guys with pushes to die so you'll have someone to wrestle/lose to.

Someone named Fishmunky from the forum asked the following:

Have you had an orgasm seeing your beloved King Mabel get TV time again?

No, I’ve never had an orgasm. EVER. Actually. It kinda stinks  because, as you all know, I masturbate alot (with my penis). But since my testicles are so enormous as mentioned earlier, I just can’t risk it. It’d kinda be like standing right in front of a fire hydrant when they pop the cap off, only instead of putting out fires it can repopulate a whole town.

Anyways, to answer your question, yes I’m super duper glad to see Mabel back. And even more glad to see him macking on white girls like Trish Stratus with his sweaty  African lovin. Someone mentioned something to me about a chance of Jungle Fever there but I hope that’s not the case. I hate to see anyone get sick. Especially from such a deadly tropical disease.

How many moons do you expect the Kane/Mabel match at Backlash to be?

For those of you homos who don’t know, the Baconman doesn’t believe in the star rating system. I much prefer to rate matches in moons. The reason for this is partly because Scott Keith stole my life. And the other is it clearly makes more sense! I mean, how can you have a half a star? You can divide moons but not stars, buster, cause that’d cause a super nova or Simon Dean, and the blackhole would swallow up everything and anything even that fat Blob Keith!

Anyways, the best Mabel match ever for which I gave the prestigious five moon rating was when Mabel faced Diesel, and since Kane played the other diesel it should be just as glorious. I mean, they’re both big, so that automatically means they’re great.

Why in Christ's name do you type like an illiterate 15 year old girl who's just discovered internet forums?

Why the hostility, fishmunky? (if that is your real name). The truth is lots of people get on me for my grammar and such, but heres the way I’ve always thunk: Why should I change? I’m kinda super important and the Canadian language should kinda bend to my will. Besides I’m super smart. People are always comparing me to a mongoloid and that’s a HUGE compliment. After all, Asians are the smartest people in the world!

Anyways, you’ll be glad to know that both Doctor Gonzo and sean Carless have recently turned me onto something called a spell checker (Time will tell if I can master it as I imagine it takes years of practice). I didn’t know they even had that technology yet. Wow! The next thing you know they’ll put a man in space. (Hey, it could happen!).

Ok, queers, that’s all the questions for this week! I actually got lots more questions but they were kinda lousy so I skipped them. (sorry it’s true).

bacon.jpgThis was fun. We’ll do this again sometime but prolly not.

Consider this Bacon brought!

-CB.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).