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The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency, grammar and sense may be absent completely.


Wednesday March 30, 2005 12:00AM

Bringing Home The Bacon

By Canadian Bacon

Hey faggots, it’s your  favourite person in the world and more importantly the internet , Canadian Bacon! Ya!!!111. Back with a Wrestlemania-sized serving (which is considerably smaller, but I'll keep lying to you until you also believe the number like WWE) of bacon for you to love, enjoy, and maybe even worship as a legit religion - which like our hairy friends the Jews also preclude the eating of pigs, 'cause come on, they're awesome!!11!!!

Anyways, as I write this, I'm in an internet café (I’ll explain shortly), enjoying a frosty beverage and pullin' out my dink and discreetly laying it gingerly into an éclair tissue in hopes the sexy lady in the next table asks for sum then grabs my dink thinkin it's an éclair and then goes, "it's yer dink and not an éclair!... but I suddenly have a craving for another kind of cream - the kind in yer dink!" Then we make gentle love, caressing each other and not laughing at certain genital sizes and maybe I cum in her face romantically like that one movie with the guy and she smiles as a camera slowly zooms in, instead of screaming and then calling the cops.

Anyways, very real possibilities aside, it’s also Easter weekend! And it’s hard to believe it’s been almost 2000 years since the afforementioned Jews killed god! Man, time flies when you won't accept you blew it and actually legit killed the one guy the bible promised that'd have solved all yer problems! Anyways, you might ask yourself, what does The Jesus rising from the dead and hiding chocolate eggs have to do with wrestling? Well, let me tell you: EVERYTHING!!!!! (except the egg part.).

See, I have become recently bigtime convinced that Hulk Hogan is in fact the risen Christ! I mean, all the evidence is there! I mean, he’s immortal for one (just like our friend The Jesus!). He’s sacrificed himself for our sins many times over (King Kong Bundy broke his ribs in a callous fashion and he STILL returned!).  He hung out with a lot of  guys who he treated like brothers - and Hulk says brother a lot! And he even had a bushy bearded disciple, too - well, until Brutus turned on him, trading in haircutting for butchering of friendships and prolly meat 'cause you can't make delicious sandwiches outta friendships!!  Heck, Jesus even got out of that cave with a giant boulder in front no prob, and Hulk once threw around THE ROCK like nothin!!111 See???? TRUTH.

Anyways, I think this is proof enough. Besides, Hulkster has been saying that he’s the most powerful force in the universe for YEARS! And if he wasn’t in God’s back pocket (providing our creator wore slacks) he’d have no doubt been struck down right where he stood in his glorious bus-yellow mukluks, this I can assure you! God doesn’t stand for this kind of stuff and would never allow egomaniacs to run around preachin' his name while doin' bad stuff!!!!

Anyways, this brings me to WRESTLEMANIA. And good news! I’m ACTUALLY GOING/GONE/ON MY WAY! Yes. Bacon representing TWF and the kingdom of Canada at Wrestlemania! (I’ll prolly be staying at that drunkard Doctor Gonzo’s seedy house in the 'hood as I understand he lives in the Los Angeles.). 

 I can’t wait to get to California!!!! I have a feeling I’ll fit right in there. After all, who wouldn’t respect my Saskatchewan “street-cred”?

Anyways, Julius and I can’t wait to take in the sites and maybe start a few turf wars too! I've always wanted to get into a real life gun and/or knife fight so it should be kinda cool. I mean, how dangerous could it be? I mean, I’d think if you could survive the harsh Canadian winter you’d be ready to take on anything, even heavily armed street toughs who kinda dress like Ice cream salesmen. Besides, I’m starting to believe I just may be un-killable. Seriously. I ate a 3 day old Subway roasted chicken sandwich the other night that i left in the lazy susan and NOTHING happened, not even one stomach cramp or shit spurt. Nothing! I’m no doctor ( but I hardly have the medicular training to say for sure) but I’m confident that this proves my invulnerability and prolly even my divinity (and not in the gay way.). Just try and kill me, I dare you, Savio Vega and your Los Boricuas! (which is mexican I think for the Boricuas).

However, the bad news is I’ve had the bigtime trouble getting here. Who knew getting to Wrestlemania would be harder than the dickens? ( or as its called on TBS: the penisens). Turns out there is no “Road to Wrestlemania”, despite what WWF has told us for YEARS!!! I even asked lots of people and they just laughed,  except this one guy, but that was a lie and just led to a homosexual rest stop where a lot of guys in plaid were waiting. How does WWF expect us to get there if they don't provide the proper directions? And why does my ass still hurt?

 Anyways, after that betrayal and general hurtfulness, Julius, Madison and I decided to make our OWN road, and after two glorious days of travel filled with pancakes and hiding things in Madison’s colon while he slept, we ended up in an unsavory part of Toronto where two big Jamaicans robbed us of our shoes, socks and pride. It was just horrible. The only good thing is that when they was running away one of them dropped one of those really cool multi-coloured hacky-sacks filled with beans and such. This kept us occupied until my uncle transferred some money to us for some sensible foot apparel and mittens (we had been pissing on each other for warmth in the meantime.).

Anyways, we then gots to your American border where the guard searched us just incase we was terrorists, and I’d swear that he played with my nuts, but maybe he was just moving them out of the way cause they’re kinda ENORMOUS and I tend to keep things stored behind them like a proud mother bird does her young.  He then asked if I had anything to declare, and I of course said, “Yes, my name is Canadian Bacon, and I’m a Bigtime wrestling journalist and maybe the most important person in Canada or the world even.” He just smiled, gave my back my hacky-sack, pulled up his own pants and I was on my way. (Madison was detained though and has since disappeared completely. I'm not too worried.).

From there’s we finally made our way through New York, the big apple, (my hometown, Moosewater is referred to as the bigger apple; a Granny Smith prolly, because we're better), making sure not to look any of the Puerto Ricans in the eye so they wouldn’t think we wanted to throw down or buy fruit from them. ( I was prepared though; I had the hacky-sack balled into my fist so the beans would make my thunder-punch even more devastating.)

Anyways, we soon hopped on a greyhound (a bus, not an actual dog...although that’d been bigtime AWESOME and even prolly possible as I'm kinda a real-life dr. Dolittle  and animals listen and obey my commands which made loading my man-made ark for the coming apocalypse a lot EASIER) and the worst thing that happened was someone asked me if I wanted to get stoned. To which I answered, “no way Jose!” (his name was Jose). I then said , no one has been stoned since the time of the jesus, and that I thought that we’ve since done away with such a barbaric form of corporal punishment.  He just laughed at me and blew a stinky smoky “O” in my face and I passed out instantly. (turns out I’m allergic to a lot of things. Smoke, half melon rinds, burlap necklaces, foreign plants, and tweed bus seats….   You know, the usual things).

So here we are as I write this, finally stopped somewhere in Las Vegas. Julius wanted to gamble and settle his debts with some gentlemen in dark suits, and I want to  get one of those classy Nevada prostitutes and get a hand job (I’m really curious to compare her technique to my own.) Man, these cunts are classy! I mean real class acts. I have newfound respect for these soulless whores, that’s fer sure!

Anyways, that said, we’re exactly ONE week away from Wrestlemania ( I passed up the Juno Awards for this ( Knock on wood, Anne Murray! ), and we just gots to make it seven more days until the grand daddy of them all- called that 'cause Wrestlemania has a voracious sexual appetite and fucks anything that moves -- and that in turn started a lot of unwanted families! So, with that in mind, I thought I’d take a quick look at Wrestlemania itself right now before Wrestlemania itself…and Canadian Bacon are indelibly etched into the anals of time! (I deserve it.).

BACONMANIA!

Randy Orton Vs. The Undertaker. If I die I want The Undertaker to be my undertaker that way he can bring me back to life like the way he does himself even though he wrestles with chokes and goozles instead of using his magic to just kill guys fast, that way he can get back to nonsensically making caskets in an 1880's barn for fat, evil people who annoy him. As for Randy Orton being a legend killer, how can WWF just let an admitted murderer run around like that!? Why hasn’t anyone called the police? Does no one feel for Harley Race’s family? Surely they deserve to see Harley’s murderer behind bars? Anyways, I’m going with Taker ‘cause at least Randy can’t kill him dead cause he’s already a  zombie. And hopefully after the match they take Orton away and try him for his crimes (his feud with HHH mostly.).

Big Show Vs. Sonny Bono: hey wait, I thought he slammed into a tree and died? Someone should tell Cher that he's still alive and thriving in the world of sumo. (this also explains his daughter, Chastity, who is  prolly called that because no one wants to have sex with her anyway, so why not embrace it?).  Anyways, as much as I always enjoyed Sonny’s easy listening music and uncomplicated facial hair, I doubt that’ll be enough to beat the Big Show, especially if Big Show employs the use of skis which I would.

Trish Stratus Vs. Christy: I like that her last name sounds like hemmy. Just like the body part your gym teacher would make you stretch before class, and then masturbate to and videotape whilst you innocently shower. Trish is tough as nails, though, (it’s those Canadian winters) so I see her winning, and I see myself strecthin a muscle of my own. (hopefully the ppl at the bar don't get all freaked out again.).

Eddie Guerrero Vs. Rey Mysterio: I’d love to be able to translate Rey's name for you, but unfortunately the translation was lost hundreds of years ago. That said, in English, it’s sad to see Mexican on Mexican crime being encouraged in the WWE. When will WWE stop the madness? And get Eddie some exfoliating soap for his back? Anyways, I see Eddie winning this ‘cause he’s gotta moustache and it’s a known fact that guys with moustaches are up to no good (I’m lookin at you Dave Gagnon). It's true!111 Check this out:

I REST MY CASE!!111

Money in the bank ladder match: I hope for the sake of my fellow Canadians that the money in the bank is in American dollars. Cause our money isn’t really worth too much here. (although you’d be surprised just how many gummy worms you can still buy for a nickel here.). Still though, my pick is Edge, ‘cause if he can stick his dink in that dirty Lita and not be afraid to get the gonorrhea then just think of the chances he’ll take with that ladder!

HBK Vs. Kurt Angle: You knows I kinda feel like Kurt and I are kindred spirits as we've both become the very best in our particular athletic fields (Freestyle wrestling and wall ball respectively.). The only difference between us is if *I* had gold medals I'd hardly wear them about where people can steal them but instead keep them on my mantle right beside my beloved red, white and blue sponge pepsi ball. (I'd also have them bronzed, that way they'd be more valuable).

Anyways, HBK is the big time buds with our friend the Jesus (although I'm not sure Jesus approves of his glittery ass chaps - I've only seen our lord wear robes and conservative sandals myself) and that inspiration would prolly catapult Shawn to victory spiritually,  physically and literally! (if J-man can move that big assed boulder like I said, imagine how far he could throw HBK!).  THE JESUS WITH THE ASSIST!!!1111

John Cena Vs. JBL: I really like John Cena and can really relate to him as I too am a white person who creates awkwardness in the black community with my antics. (I’ve also been known to cut a PHAT beat - check this out:):

“My name is Barney Rubble and I’m here to say, I love fruity pebbles in a major way! Word.” And that’s just off the top of my head! Anyways, I’m gonna pick Cena here cause he’s my boy (I can’t be a member of his chain-gang, though  because unfortunately I don’t have the upper body strength to crush rocks in prison, or the anal-width/depth to be raped proper and have it feel good for the raper. Maybe I could work in the prison library instead? or just give hand-jobs? ). Anyways, take it to him, John, and I’ll be the one cheering in the crowd wearing my own spinner belt fashioned out of my mom’s nylons and an old LP of Bat Dance.

HHH Vs. Batista: You know, Batista  has held pretty well and looks great for his age all things considered. Not bad considering he was the dictator of Cuba a little over forty years ago. Hopefully though Batista has better luck against HHH then he did against Castro! Of course that was prolly cause he didn’t know the demon-bomb yet and spinebusters weren’t enough to stop a full scale revolution. But hey, I don't even know why HHH even hates him. I mean, you'd think he'd like that the dictator Batista held down all the hard-working people to prolong his own reign. Weird.

Anyways, that was along time ago, I think, ( I have no concept of time), and Batista has prolly learned his lessons well, and the good news is that HHH is no Castro eventhough he seems to have an embargo ... on ppl beating him in wrestling matches. Batista should still prevail though no problems, me thinks. I mean, HHH couldn’t even kill Batista last week when he had the chance! I mean, pick your poison? Of all the poisonous chemicals Triple H could pick, he goes with Kane? How bout Arsenic? Surely that’d be more lethal than a match with Kane? What an amateur that Triple H is when it comes to poisoning people to death! I mean come on! We once gave my cousin Madison some Mr. Clean in a plastic tumbler and it did the job good. So get with the program, HHH! (and don't tell the police.).

Anyways, that’s it for this week, homos. Look for me at Wrestlemania. I’ll be the really good looking guy standing there all good looking. And even though it’ll be over by the time this is posted, Happy Easter, everybody - even the pagans who believe in silliness! This is a time of happiness,  love and acceptance - even for faggots & eskimos! ( sean told me HHH is actually celebrating Passover instead; inviting RVD, Jericho & Booker T as special guests to mock them. I don't get it.).

And speaking of easter, and jesus, and magic, other jesus-fans, maybe try forgiving those who sin, or believe we descend from mud or monkeys . I have. Even that Pontius Pilot guy who started this whole mess. He prolly just didn’t know any better and was  just thinking about getting back home b4 his son ate all the good pieces of Easter turkey. (Even though he should've known better cause if he was smart enough to fly an airplane b4 they was even invented (it is a pretty long trek from Jerusalem to The Rome. So I’m sure it came in handy) he should have prolly known what he's doing.).

bacon.jpgTil' next time, baconfans!

Consider this Bacon brought!

-CB.

For even more Bacon, check out his MySpace page here and feel free to join Trish Stratus, RVD, Gene Snitsky and other wrestling superstars as my big time friends.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).