The views of Canadian Bacon are his own and don't necessarily reflect those of
|Saturday January 8, 2005 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
Hey there Faggots! After a long bigtime absence your favorite writer and professional expert on wrestling and prolly everything else too is back!!!! Canadian Bacon, Ya!!!!!!11
Anyways, what did you godless heathens do this CHRISTMAS season? Celebrate the kwanza? What is that ridiculousness? Silly people!! This isn't the dirty Sudan! We celebrate the Christmas here buster and remember that it's not really just about buying me gifts but appreciating that Jesus died on this day for your sins... which in most yous cases would prolly be your faggotness.
Anyways, i was blessed with a lot of gifts this holiday season (I'm kinda super loved), but one thing that was not under my tree (which I ripped outta the ground with my bare hands) was the GOLDEN TENAY AWARD. I obviously won but sean and that henry Simon guy RIPPED me off BIG TIME. Those two prolly had a pretty good laugh too before going back to fingerin each others bums.
Anyways, since I was ROBBED, I decided to give out a few of my own awards:
-Best Writer: Canadian Bacon
-Top Internet Guy: Canadian Bacon
-maybe the most handsomest guy ever: Canadian Bacon
-My next sexual conquested: Renee. She's obviously got the sexual hotness for the Baconman and wants his bod. But be gentle with me I bruise kinda easy as I’m a homophiliac.
-Guy who has a job here just cause he's dave meltzer's son: Michael Meltzer
-and finally, SLEAZIEST FRENCH MOUSTACHE AWARD for the guy who steals sensible Anglo women with his slick frenchboy charm: That DAVE GAGNON and his LIES about Jimmy Snuka the murderer!!!!!
sean and Henry don't get any awards cause they hurt my feelings. The rest of the staff is ok with me so long as they know the pecking order. (Hey there can only be one michael jordan. the rest of yous can be the shorter less talented black guys)
EVERYBODY LOVES BACON
Anyways, time and times again I’ve told yous all how much of a BIG TIME INSIDER I am and how well connected I was in this industry ( I once made small change for big Leo Burke in 1987 so don’t doubt my credisdentials), so I thought I’d now share some of these recent emails I sent to a few different wrestlers who no doubts respect my contributions to the business and such - by PAYING my dues in this business that may or may not include stealing the unflushed log of Razor Ramon from the dressing room bemis and wrapping it Curt Henning's towel for safe keeping b4 smuggling it out of the saddledome altogether. Anyways, I sent these just the other day, so I’ll put up the inevitable responses as they all comes in (they wouldn't dare disappoint me.). P.S., my kinda super great comments may follow a reply so read it or be gay. (or stay gay if you already are.).
"Dear The Ultimate Warrior. I’ve never written before but I’m a HUGE(!!!) fan and a proud follower of the Warrior wisdom! And I actually modeled my whole adult life after you, although my mom hates it when I wear make up or clothesline her.
Anyways, for the longest time around here there’s been rumors going around that you're not the same guy who played the ultimate warrior as before, and that the first guy was killed in a motorcycle accident! BUT I of course told people that was the bigtime BUNK! Afteralls you survived like a million macho man elbows so falling off your motorcycle at 80km/h would be another day at the ULTIMATE office, right?!!! Anyways, I want to convince those around me to follow yer teachings but no one wants to listen to my cries of responsible conservative government! (especially those damn Eskimos around here who seem more concerned with spending their welfare checks on expensive mukluks while hardworking people like me (I’m a salesman of pewter statuettes) barely get by. It’s just not fair. ).What should I do? Press them to the heavens? (that always seemed to work for you)
Let me know anyways. I’ll always believe.
Saskatchewan Chapter of Warriors.
P.S., No offense but maybe stop using fake words like Destrucity, it’s kinda ridicacoculous.
Dear Goldberg: Hi, My name is Canadian Bacon and I’m a huge fan of yours (my favourite match is prolly the 15th one you had with Jerry Flynn on Thunder.) Anyways, I was just writing to first say congratulations on the upcoming movie the longest yard ( Although, just What is a longest yard??Aren’t yards like 3 feet long, or did my geometry teacher lie to me?) and ask a quick question. My question is, you used to always say “Who’s Next?” and my question is, did you not know? Did no one tell you? I think it’s kinda mean if that was the case. I mean you was the big champ and everything and they didn’t have the decency to tell you. Although, if I had the intimidating La Parka waiting for me out in the ring I might not want to know!!!!
Anyways, good luck on your awesome movie (and as a favour could you mule kick Adam Sandler at the premiere? I think he’s getting kind of a big head and deserves to be murdered and killed just like bret hart who's life you destroyed!!)
Thanks Goldberg! You rule. No wonder your one of God’s chosen people. He made the right choice that’s fer sure!!!
Fears the spear. And puncturing his scrotum.
Reply: "Happy Holidays! Thanks for visiting BILLGOLDBERG.COM. While Bill Goldberg does read virtually every email that is received, due to the high volume of email, he cannot personally respond to each and every email. Please know that Goldberg appreciates your support, and watch for responses to the most-asked questions in the "Ask Goldberg" section of the website."
CB: See! I told you! The Goldberg APPRECIATES Bacon! This was one quick reply this I can assure you. and completely PERSONALIZED for me Canadian Bacon. In fact, I guarantee I'm the only one who's ever got this messgage!!!! Now do you believe me when I say how INSIDE I am?
Dear Crash, why won’t you ever answer my emails?
CB: No answer yet. I'm starting to worry a bit.
MILLION DOLLAR MAN:
Dear Ted Dibiase; Someone told me you was born again and I have to say, wow! I had no idea they could clone people yet! 'Course with your money I think you could prolly fund anything!!!!!
Anyways, I figured you’d prolly be the only person who could answer this for me. Could you tell me where I could get a tear away suit? I’m kinda lazy and having pants and a dress shirt that I could easily tear off would really save me a lot of time (I find track pants very complicated). Also, this’ll go good with the hundred dollar belt I’m currently fashioning for myself (at this point I believe it to have a net worth of about 55 Canadian Dollars)
Anyways, any help would be really appreciated as I'd like to create a way to be naked quickly without the fuss of buttons and zippers (I have my reasons.).
And P.S., why didn’t you ever let Virgil wear a shirt with his vest? I imagine it’d be quite nippy at your winter residence in the Netherlands Antilles. Just curious.
May the force be with you! (I know you're very religious now)
(45 dollars away from being the most impressive guy in the neighbourhood!)
Reply: My name is Nik Duncan. I am the PR rep for Mr Dibiase at Willowcreek Marketing located in southern Ontario, Canada. You submitted an e-mail to the e-mail address set up for booking appearances for Ted Dibiase; however, it seems you are not requesting Mr Dibiase for an engagement of any kind.
Yes, it is true Mr. Dibiase is a devoted Christian, and Willowcreek Marketing is a Marketing firm that represents Christian products. Our latest is the DVD movie by the 9 time wrestling champion STING, titled, “Sting-Moment of Truth”. You can see the trailer here. www.sting-themovie.com
FYI: You may be able to get a tear away suit at any novelty shop, or just try searching around, perhaps on the internet.
I don’t know what you mean by your opening statement, but I do know that people can change in life, and often times want to change. Jesus brings out the best in people, when their intentions are true.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
May (the force) Jesus be with you also.
Director of Public Relations
CB: I think it's cool that Ted's new Manservant (musta fired Virgil) not only answered my emails but tried to shine the light of the Jesus into my heart! And he's from CANADA. See? I told you God lived here!!!!!!
Dear Jim Cornette:, I’m just writing to give credit where credit is due: you are the bestest manager in the Universe and the world even. Also, we have the same taste in pants too (You don’t know how long I searched to find someone with a mutual love of banana colored slacks, so thank you for that.)
Anyways, I was curious about your tennis racket. Was there a special technique you used to knock people out cause it never seems to work for me for some reason. Everytime I clobber someone they just sort of get annoyed and shrug (in addition to getting me fired from three ball boy jobs at the country club now). I just can’t seem to get the hang of it and it’s kinda of getting to me. Maybe if you had’ve taken up baseball I wouldn’t be having this problem. Anyways, all I know is when they say don’t try this at home they’re not kidding! I’ll leave it to the pros to knock out people with featherweight sporting goods. I’ve learned my lesson, that’s fer sure!
(going to switch to badminton..it’s safer!)
BOBBY THE BRAIN HEENAN:
Hello Mr. Brain ( They also called me “ The Brain” in school to and I never really understood why 'cause I was a bit lousy in school. Weird.)
Anyways, just a quick question as you'd prolly be the only guy who could settle this bet. My friend Julius says that Andre The Giant was really French and I disagreed because his real last name “The Giant” never sounded like a French name to me (I’d agree if it was Le Giant.). Anyways if you could help us out that’d be all kinds of legit awesome.
Thanks Bobby, you rule. I’ll go out right now and buy your book. Maybe the next time your in the neck of my woods (Moosewater Sakatchewan) you can get my signature in it.
(Also has monogrammed glitter shirts just like the Brain!)
Reply: "Bacon. Sorry, your friend is right. Buy my books and you'll find the true stories
Bobby "The Brain"
Manager of the Century
Hall of Fame
CB: I still think Bobby is wrong about that. The Giant is in no way a french name. Besides Julius is never right about anything, well, except the time he predicted Madison would go blind when we shot him in the face with an acetylene torch. I still owe him twenty bucks over that one.
BAD NEWS BROWN:
Dear Bad News Brown: Just what was the bad news anyway? You never told us what it was. (I hope it wasn't tearing your pants. That used to happen to me ALL THE TIME and it was AWFUL.). Maybe it is fer the best though that I don't know because I’ve never been to good at handling unpleasantness.
Anyways, thanks fer all the memories. I remember when I was kid, my cousin Madison saying he really wanted a ghetto blaster for xmas so I kicked him in the back of the head. It was pretty cool. He didn't even see it coming! I think he may have suffered a little bit of the brain damage though but it's ok because he's kinda fat and prolly woulda been a bum anyway. Anyways, you were my favorite wrestler for a lot of years and because of your interviews, I really wanted to be a beer bellied sharecropper when I grew up. But when I mentioned that to my guidance councilor she just laughed at me. Strange. ( I didn't bother mentioning my 2nd choice: spineless cockroach….which I kind of didn’t really want to be anyway cause it sounded like too much work.).
Anyways, nice talking to you Bad News. P.S., you used to say Elizabeth was doing favours for Jack Tunney. What kind of of favours did you mean? I always figured you meant helping him carry his groceries or maybe giving him a hand to move some furniture. She seemed like a nice person like that.
(Hopes the Bad News is really Good News after all)
CB: Unfortunately I got some bad news (hahaha) as my email got sent back to sender ( me, I think) 'cause the email is corrupted or something. but don't ask me, i hardly have the tchnocological training to make such a prediction. But since i am somewhat of a genius, my theory is that one of Bad news' harlem sewer rats prolly devoured his cable connection. That's a lesson to be learned. You should NEVER allow your 200 pound rodents around electronics.
Dear Lance. I heard you're an avid reader, and I'd like to personally thank you for turning me onto the books. I used to have a real hard time reading and such and my doctor told me I may be dyslexic, but I never understood that. How does being too skinny affect your reading? And besides, being Canadian and all, I have a whopper of an appetite and have been known known to really put away the fluffernutter on more than a few occasions. Anyways, because of your encouragement, I've actually taken quite a liking to reading, even if I don’t always understand the story (that Clifford though, what a character!)
Anyways before I go, let me wish you well in your retirement and commend you. I’d never guess you were 65 years old. It’s just amazing how good of condition you keep yourself in. Also, You are a National hero and as Canadian as apple pie. And I know all about these things because I’m kind of a big time INSIDER in Canadian wrestling (I used to know the guy who made Makhan Singh loose meat sandwiches at the Manhattan Fries in the market Mall in Calgary after all the big stampede shows, so I think I know what I’m talking about)
Anyways, thanks Lance, and maybe add Clifford to your books list. You won’t be disappointed because he has quite the spirited adventures!
(Tried the rolling half-crab once and broke my asshole.)
Hey Big Giant The Sexy killer, my name is Canadian Bacon and I’m kinda the biggest Diesel fan in the EVER. Anyways, I read that you can be booked and such and I had a GREAT idea (money is NO object, as I've got a pickle jar FULL of Loonies with YOUR name all over it!). Anyways, I was thinking I could fly you and Scott up to Saskatchewan and we can hang out (first class all the way, you can have PEANUTS and EVERYTHING!). From there we could go to the petting zoo and tease the lemurs before headin down to the mall. From there, I might get you to kick the guy who works at the Orange Julius in the face with a thunderous big boot cause three times I’ve caught him sticking his thumb in my sandwich. Not good.
We’ll then finish out the rest of the day by givin each other wolf pac hand shakes and pointing at each other. It could maybe be the best day ever!
P.S., if you could also spare a pair of pleather pants I would forever be in your debt.
(Still wearing my one black glove since 1995, even though it gave me psoriasis )
-CB: I still haven't heard from the big man, but i'm pretty confident he'll find time for me afterall we are kinda friends now even though we've never met or talked. I just hope everythings ok. I kinda have the feeling he may have tore his quad while typing out a generous reply to me. But if i know diesel (and I do) he'll stop crying on his carpet long enough to pull his seven foot frame into his swivel chair and press "SEND". That's the type of man he is.
Dear Low Key, for a guy called low key you sure do show up at a lot of places. Kinda defeats the whole point of having that name if everyone knows where you are if you ask me.
Anyways, I’d like to tell you that I’m a pretty big fan, in fact my all time favourite match of yours was that one where you kicked that guy REALLY hard. You remember the one?
Anyways, I always liked your motto of how it’s not the size of the fighter but the size of the fight that fighter will bring. Very cool. Too bad in my case the fight I bring is usually really tiny (kinda like my penis but don’t tell anyone, please). Anyways, I usually just run away after that. (at least until I get my fight bigger)
Thanks for your time Low (can I call you Low?)
(Brings a small fight but runs very fast).
Dear CM Punk. Did you know when people say your name it actually sounds like "See him punk" Just thought you'd like to know.
Anyways, I heard that you were big on straight edge and I have to applaud that. A Wrestler AND an architect too? Wow! Where do you get the time?! (I always wanted to be an architect but I was awful at geometry and had trouble with the straight edge, protractors and even compasses (I once sat on one and punctured my scrotum)
Anyways, best of luck Mr. Punk on both your careers!!!! And maybe sometime we can catch a beer together!
Signed: Canadian Bacon.
(had trouble with the bean counter too)
Dear Paul Bearer, First, I just found your site for the first time recently and you don’t know how happy I am to see that you survived the cement! I always thought that was impossible but I guess not My cousin Andrea told me that my Uncle Silvio was buried in cement too, but it was on the account that he didn’t pay his debts or something. I never really understood what she meant. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that things are goin good and that I’m a pretty big fan of you and your undertaker (It must be a blast when he comes over, who needs the clapper right when your best friend has magical powers to turn on lights! Awesome!!!).
And also I wanted to tell you that recently I had a chance to be a real life paul bearer when my grandfather died. I was so excited! I even dyed my hair black and grew a pretty swank looking moustache for the occasion to boot! Only later did I find out that I was only helping carry the coffin or something and didn’t even get to yell out “Ohhhhhhhhhhh Yessssssssss!” one time. Man, that’s the last time I’ll ever go to my grandfather’s funeral thats for sure.
Anyways, Thanks for the memories Mr. Bearer, and you stay away from that cement, Mister!
The power of the urn compels me.
Reply: "Thanks for your email, Canadian Bacon. Sorry to hear about your Grandfather's passing. However, you were a PALL BEARER not a Paul Bearer.
CB: And that was the problem! The least my family coulda done was give me an urn to carry (preferably filled with the darkside magic). Anyways, that was real nice of Paul to mention my grandfather; I'll have to tell him that Paul was talking about him next time I go over to his house for supper. He'll prolly really get a kick out of it.
Ok queers that's it for this week because I'm tired (all the blood rushing to my penis is making me woozy.). And if you feel like being Bacon's friend (and how could you not?) feel free to email him here and I'll answer whatever stupid question you come up with, laugh at you and maybe even pretend your really a sexy lady and giving my a generous massage of the area.
Consider this Bacon brought!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).