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WWE Backlash 2009

by Anthony Dean

April 26, 2009


BACKLASH 2009! A night of reliving the past! For most of us that just means Wrestlemania, but I'd imagine a certain few superstars are staying extra far away from Michael Hayes tonight. You just can't be sure how alcohol will make someone interpret things like that. For example, I watched Armageddon from the comfort of my neighbor's house. Without their permission. They have a significantly more well-fortified house than mine for keeping out the post-apocalyptic scavengers, what with the waist-high picket fence and all, and besides they usually have more stuff in the fridge. You just never know is all I'm saying. Really, that is all I'm saying because I forgot how I began this. Something about the black people. Allright.

Opening montage of the various feuds that we have going into tonight with what sounds like the voice of a haggard old witch in the background asking us ominous things like "How far is too far?" We got a three-man announce team going with JR, King, and Michael Cole, just to remind us that Tard Grisham and ECW are absolute shit I guess. Sometimes we forget. Namely when we forget they exist alltogether, but still.

ECW Title match is first because it is ECW. Christian makes his entrance to his significantly shitty face music, followed by Jack Swagger and his significantly shitty face. That nose. Those gums. If punching booths existed, the one featuring Jack Swagger would bankrupt every other one on Earth. Why am I not a professional color commentator yet? I was going to say "Jamaican me frustrated" or something, but I realized that would be stupid. So already I'm over-qualified for this job. King claims to be a peep a nd JR reaffirms that King is "most peep-like" as if that is a real phrase that means anything. Oh my God give me a headset.

Christian vs ECW Champion Jack Swagger

Swagger takes Christian down at the bell and quickly transitions in and out of various amateur wrestling moves. Waistlocks and the like, but Christian bitchslaps that, well, bitch to stop all that. Fast-paced match ensues, mainly seeing Christian use his speed to avoid Swagger's strength. He hits a flying clothesline before Swagger just picks him up and throws him way out of the ring to the floor. Back in he continues to dominate with a waistlock, occasionally peppering in some big slams with the move still locked in. King compares Swagger's grip on Christian to an alligator. Of all the fucking, HE'S SO STRONG THE PRESSURE FROM HIS FOREARMS SEPERATES FLESH FROM BONES! Swagger eventually transitions it into a bearhug, attempting to pin Christian by lowering his shoulders to the ground in a stupid spot, but Christian "kicks out," and by that I mean does a sit up, to escape the pin, so Swagger hits him with a rib breaker and continues the waistlock back on the ground. Best five-minute resthold ever.

Christian begins to fight out so Swagger throws him to the ropes, but Christian blocks a charge with his kick through the ropes. Christian falls to the ground and Swagger attempts a type of splash from the turnbuckle, like where he jumps up from the mat while grabbing the turnbuckle, and then falling straight down in frogsplash form, but Christian gets the knees up and makes his comeback, still selling his ribs. But I mean, after spending over half the match in a waistlock, you kind of have to.Tornado DDT a ttempt gets Cagington thrown off, but he lands on his feet and almost gets the win with a pin attempt. Swagger threatens another slamming-around extended waistlock, but a slam to the turnbuckle sees Christian escape and hits a huge Tornado DDT for a nearfall. More back and forth and Swagger attempts a German suplex off the apron, but Christian hangs on and flips the champion forward back into the ring. He goes up top but Swagger meets him there and backdrops his ass from the top rope. Swagger then hits the splash he tried earlier for two. They exchange nearfalls, and each man goes into opposite corners to "recover." It's apparent they are both uncovering turnbuckles and Swagger turns to see Christian undoing his. He charges angrily but Christian moves and Swagger collides chest-first with the metal and Christian connects with the Killswitch for the win.

Winner and NEW ECW Champion : Christian

Nice short match. Crowd pops big for Christian's title win and he poses on the ramp before kissing his new belt just a little too long. I mean Jack Swagger's gross ass has been toting that thing around for all too many months. Some DVD promo followed. I went and got chips. Backstage, Christian runs into Edge. Big crowd reaction as Edge smarms it up. "What, so now you have a championship, you think you're better than me?" Christian says "What happened to you, you used to be fun?" and calls him a bitter ravin g lunatic. Edge says his problem is Cena, and Christian is like "All this over one guy?" Edge claims John Cena changed him into this bitter raving lunatic and says he's going to be "fun" again by the end of tonight when he wins the championship and gets John Cena out of his life forever. From what I've seen, holding a world championship is the least likely way to get John Cena out of your life, but far be it from me to question a raving lunatic.

Jericho is out next, followed by Ricky Steamboat. The announcers "put over" Steamboat by inadverdantly reminding us of how old he is.

Chris Jericho vs Ricky "THE DRAGON" Steamboat

They try to outmaneuver eachother at first, with Ricky soon sliding outside and back in to kick the pursuing Jericho on the outside. Steamboat then flies over the top onto him. And dies. I don't know anything about Ricky Steamboat, and I mean he is absolutely capable for his age, but damn I'm tired of seeing him. Back in, Steamboat hits some painful (to watch)(not really) armdrags and an armbar until Jericho escapes and puts his ass down with some shoulderblocks to big boos. Steamboat gets Jericho in anothe r armbar that sees him slap Jericho's wrist and shout "No!" Jericho tries to shove Steamboat over the top but he skins the cat, but Jericho knows all about that shit and just clotheslines him over the top anyway. Springboard dropkick onto a returning Steamboat and Jericho begins the slaughter. A couple restholds let Steamboat catch his breath. The announcers spend this time analyzing the psychology behind bullies, with JR seeming to be especially knowledgeable on the subject, and criticizing Jericho's moral s...as Steamboat tries to pull Jericho's hair to escape a submission hold. What the.

Steamboat eventually turns things around by reversing a bulldog and sending Jericho up onto a turnbuckle. He teases a back superplex that everyone couldn't be more sure will fail then if that was Flair up there, before hitting it perfectly. Double KO before Ricky picks up a two count. They exchange some fast paced chops and shit until Steamboat catches Jericho in a powerslam for two. Enziguri almost puts Steamboat away, but Steamboat stops a Lionsault early by lifting him up in electric chair position from the middle rope. Jericho rolls him up into the Walls but Steamboat soon escapes and locks in a fucked looking Figure Four. I don't know, maybe Flair's way is fucked, I'm just saying there's some differences in execution going on. Jericho gets the ropes and lunges at Steamboat in the corner but he dodges and Jericho headbutts the very top of the steel ringpost. Flying crossbody pin gets two, so he tries another one and gets caught in a Codebreaker. Steamboat shockingly manages to get his foot on the bottom r ope at two and almost steals the win with a rollup, but Y2J switches it into the Walls of Jericho and Steamboat taps right the fuck out.

Winner : Chris Jericho

He only keeps the hold locked in for five or so seconds after the bell before walking away looking inexplicably pissed. Steamboat then stumbles and limps around the ring, holding up his hand as the crowd applauds him. If there was ever a time I would enjoy seeing the Great Khali come out and shittily chokebomb somebody, now would be it. I mean Steamboat certainly looked good out there, and I don't have any problem with him whatsoever so long as he stops, you know, wrestling now, but that would just be too monumental of a moment-ruiner for me to pass up.

In the back, Santino fakes talking to Santina on the phone as Beth Phoneix and Rosa Mendez approach him. Beth is exasperated as she tries to get Santino to just admit he was Santina at Wrestlemania. She then gives up and says he can enjoy kissing the Great Khali tonight and tells Santino she won't be kissing him anymore. Santino turns away and bites his fingernails in over-acting fashion for a pretty long time. I'm just piecing this storyline together based on this skit, but, and like I said I don't really watch the shows too often, you know, so I may be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure it's terrible. Is that the general consensus? Aces.

Kane is out now. They air video of Punk winning Money in the Bank by knocking Kane off the ladder, which I guess is why they're feuding. I guess Kane just can't let things ago, which is surprising considering all the times he's put aside being beaten, bloodied, burned, and buried by the Undertaker to team up him for so many reunion matches and one night only's.

CM Punk vs Kane

They keep it purely striking in the early going, with Kane taking on an old, drunken boxer stance. And succeeding with it. Apparently 1993 Mickey Rourke  > years of well-honed, specially-crafted Muay Thai training as Kane is in control until Punk locks in an armbar over the ropes. He breaks it at four and comes off the top with a forearm and starts laying into Kane, sending him out of the ring. Punk dives out onto Kane, only to get caught in a chokeslam, but he jumps off to the apron upon his unwill ing ascent and successfully dives onto Kane. Back in, Punk continues working the arm with a standing armbar until Kane whips Punk's body into the very bottom of the ringpost and baseball slides his ass into it for two. Kane bodyscissors, with additional Kane headbutts, just looks weird coming from the guy who's all about grappling hooks and burning people.

Big clothesline gets Kane a two count and we're off to the old backbreaker submission that features more time closing in on Kane's laughing face than the actual move. Chokeslam attempt is reversed into an armbar takedown thing. Kane shakes his arm and sells it as being hurt as nobody explains that Punk is doing it to prevent him from using the chokeslam. Pushes glasses further up onto nose in asterisks. Kane says fuck it and just uses his big ass boot, however, and climbs the corner for a flying clothesline , but Punk enziguries him while he was up top and picks him up for a failed GTS. He does get a consolation Pepsi One bulldog, but Kane uppercuts a springboard clotheslining Punk for two. Punk then gets back into control and locks in an armbar, which he accentuates by sitting there, staring straight ahead, and screaming. Kane battles out and signals for a chokeslam but Punk just drills his ass with two roundhouse kicks to the head. He gets in a multitude of successive stiff shots as Kane remains standing bef ore he catches a kick and lifts Punk up with both arms and slams him down with the chokeslam for the win.

Winner : Kane

I didn't realize it was time for the bi-annual CM Punk burial so soon. As history has shown, once, this only lasts until he wins a World Title. Then the second burial can begin. Hardy-Hardy video and I apologize for missing this in my original recap but apparently there was a hot Jeff Hardy fan trap in the crowd at Wrestlemania. That bitch or dude was hot or fuckable, disrespectively. Unrespecitvely. I don't know. I'm saying I would have sex with a guy. The video ends with Matt saying Jeff is a raging fire that he will extinguish. There are more references to fire in this feud than Attitude Era Taker-Kane, except instead of killing their parents while burning a house down, Matt just killed Jeff's dog, and instead of horribly scarring him for life, he just set off some fireworks kind of nearby him, and instead of magic powers, they just kind of inexplicably get cheered a lot despite having pretty boring gimmicks, floundering feuds, and not really being that great in the ring, or on the mic, or in any aspect, r eally. Actually they may have more in common with Kane and Undertaker then I thought. Continues not ever having sex in parentheses.

Jeff enters first. Somebody brought a sign that says "Poetry in Motion" which, considering the nature of the move, is probably the worst possible phrase to write on a sign for a Hardy vs Hardy match. Matt is next in tights and a coat with angel wings on the back. Maybe his plan of not dying involves becoming an angel by getting his wings ripped off, like in Dogma, and so he wore the jacket tonight in the hopes that Jeff will to take a pair of scissors to his clothes, in which case, somebody should probably tell him that was just a movie, and even going by his logic, if he really wanted to cut them off then he could just do it himself and it would still work. Why do you read this?

Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy, I Quit Match

Kind of bland opening as they just kind of go at it regularly like it was any old opponent, no real staredown or emotion or anything. I mean I guess there's nothing really left to say after a guy burns your dog alive in your house and basically tells you to go fuck yourself as an apology, but I mean still. They go outside pretty early and Jeff hits a Poetry in Motion with the steps that crushes Matt against the security wall. Damn you, stupid fan I berated earlier. You called it. Back in Hardy hits his corn er kick and Matt remains not dying but getting pretty close. Jeff lands three consecutive legdrops before hitting one from the top rope instead of just going for his finisher which he could have done just as easily. Jeff leaps onto Matt's back from here with a sleeper that Matt sells by closing his eyes, sticking out his tongue, and walking around like Frankenstein. He gets rid of Jeff the Parasite and is immediately re-energized. Jeff jumps up to a turnbuckle for a moonsault on a standing Matt, which is re tarded, and Matt of course just shoves him off and into the security wall.

Jeff gets rolled back in and the crowd demands tables as Matt, on the outside, repeatedly slams Jeff's legs into a turnbuckle before locking in a kind of Figure Four around the turnbuckle with his hands. The referee who is like a younger, more annoying Matt Striker gets in Jeff's face on the mic and asks Jeff if he "says it." Jeff says no, so back in the ring Matt locks in a real F4. The referee again demands if he wants to say it on the mic but Jeff again howls no. Matt then releases the hold and starts st omping and kicking Jeff's legs, hilariously kicking him in the hamstring each time he gets up and leaping around the ring behind him in mock pain. Another figure four and a firm "NAAWH!" from Jeff on the mic. Jeff reverses the hold and it's Matt's turn to deny the overly-excited ref. Matt gets back on top with a single leg crab but Jeff tells the ref to "Forget it!" Matt then just gives up instead of keeping him in the hold forever. He starts screaming frantically at Jeff to quit before placing him on the t op turnbuckle, where Jeff Hardy is weakest. He soon hits a Whisper in the Wind and wins a punch battle before locking in a Texas Cloverleaf. Matt taps but still offers a resounding yet ridiculous "No" in between sobs on the mic, so Jeff releases it and puts his ass down with a Twist of Fate.

Swanton Bomb but Matt still refuses to quit. A second Swanton connects and Jeff goes to drag out a T. He sets up the "unfriendly" (Thanks, JR) table in the ring but Matt rolls outside. Jeff follows and blocks a Twist of Fate with one of his own on the floor before sending him back in and laying him on the table. Jeff then goes back under the ring and drags out a roll of duct tape and rope, binding Matt's ankles and wrists together with the tape before tying him down to the table with rope. Matt screams that he hates him but still refuses to quit, so in comes an L. Jeff calmly talks to Matt while setting up the ladder, with Matt begging him off. He climbs up and signals for the Swanton, but Matt says on the mic that he loves him. He asks to be untied and tells Jeff not to listen to the crowd, that he loves him. He talks about how their parents wouldn't want them fighting like this. Jeff hilariously responds by seeming to consider, then doing his hand signal to the crowd. Matt frantically quits and the crowd sh its all over it as Jeff climbs down from the ladder to the turnbuckle, but he quickly leaps over the ladder with a legdrop that puts Matt through the table to a huge ovation. Jeff then gets in his face before posturing to the crowd.

Winner : Jeff Hardy

Okay match, good ending. Still kind of disappointed with the entire Hardy-Hardy affiar, but at least it's over. Now they can each go back to doing what they do best. Losing to other people.

In the back is Tard with Randy Orton as Priceless pretends to look busy in the background. Orton says he has nothing to say to Shane or Trips but wants to talk to Batista. He mocks him for still doing Triple H's dirty work, just like in Evolution. He mockingly warns Batista not to get disqualified because it will cost Trips his all-important title, saying that even after all these years it's still all about The Game.

Khali is out next with his manager and there is a guy in the crowd looking excited and bobbing to the music with a sign that says Punjabi Playboy. Plant or not, he is the most ridiculous man in the world at this moment. Ranjin Singh invites Santina out, and Rico's music signifies the arrival of Santino in drag. Santina says the reason she hasn't kissed Khali is that she's not who she says she is...she's not a single girl. She's in love with another man. Split personality incest angle, let's go. "Khali" dema nds to know who by way of Ranjin Singh. Apparently standing there and staring is Punjab for "I demand to know who!" Santina stutters before spitting out JR's name. She claims he's been courting her and calls her his little slobberknocker. Singh says Khali says he had no idea and understands her predicament, despite Khali not opening his mouth all night. He ups the ante by claiming Khali demands to see Santina kiss JR right now to affirm their love. Michael Cole teasingly says "Come on, Mr. Barbecue Man" and JR seems legitimately pissed off, mimicking "Mr. Barbecue Man" in a bitchy voice and demanding to know who fed him that line. This is really fucking awkward.

Santina stutters for a minute before saying she has the vapors until Beth and Rosa comes down. Phoenix challenges Santina for her Mrs. Wrestlemania crown right now. Khali, and by that I mean his faggy little manager, reprimands her for interrupting this beautiful moment. Phoenix then dumbs it down for Khali, informing him that Santina is Santino before insulting the women of Punjab and Khali's intelligence. He responds with a tap to the top of her head and a shove that knocks her over. Those are his finishe rs. As terrible as this all is, at least he's not winning world titles with that shit anymore. Santina demands the bell be rung for Beth's challenge and pins Phoenix for the win before dancing. That was the worst fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh wait, it's not over, Khali is stalking Santina like a rapist. He snaps off Santino's bra and he runs away squealing with his hands over his nipples as every announcer simultaneously attempts to spit out a "wardrobe malfunction" reference. Indian rap music then starts playing and Khali cheers, swinging around the bra. Cole continues to repeat "Mr. Barbecue Man" and "Little slobberknocker" and insists everyone is having a blast tonight. I'm about to fucking kill myself.

Up next is the Six Man Tag Match in which whoever scores the pinfall wins the title for either Randy Orton or Triple H. Shane O'Mac dances on down to the ring first, and from the way the announcers are talking I guess the title can be lost via disqualification tonight. I really should watch the shows at least once in a while. They speculate on Batista giving a shit about whether Trips or Orton is champion. I'd say considering it's a person other than himself, the chance of Batista giving a shit is between zero and nil. Inconsiderate bitch always cluttering the medicine cabinet up with fucking cancer pills. During Triple H's entrance the camera panned to about ten guys holding up this giant horizontal cardboard sledgehammer, it was awful. Pretty sure the Khali fan from earlier was holding up the head of it. Legacy look badass during their entrance as usual because, as is well-documented, I am in fact twelve years old. You don't even have to be anywhere close for Spellcheck to get it, I'm telling you. Anyway, Batista spears someone before the bell can even ring and Orton and Trips battle out and up the ramp. Shane and Batista staredown Priceless as Trips comes running back down with no Orton to be found. Priceless leave the ring and seem to be panicking but the ref is like "I don't give a SHIT" and calls for the bell.

Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase Jr and Randy Orton vs Shane McMahon, Batista, and WWE Champion Triple H, Pretty Fucked Six Man WWE Title Match

Batista starts things off by doing everything just short of killing Cody Rhodes. Tag to Shane O'Mac, just to bury Priceless further I guess. It's one thing to get killed by Batista, it's something else entirely when it's a forty-something year old man who can barely do three moves because one, that's about all he's trained to do, and two, he gets blown up after doing them anyway. Wait. He drops an elbow before tagging in THE GAME who, well you know. This all goes on for quite a while. Dibiase eventually get s the tag to give Rhodes a chance to rest up until it's his turn to get killed again. It eventually is and Batista hits a long-ass stalling vertical suplex on him. Rhodes gets in and, after going about five minutes of getting exactly two kicks in, Priceless takes takes over with stomping on Batista in the corner. Batista soon POWERS OUT, however, and almost hits the Bomb as Dibiase barely escapes and looks to leave up the ramp. Despite the fact that this would result in a retention for Trips, Batista follow s him up and gets blindsided by Orton who slams his head into a ringpost. He then runs over to his corner and gets the tag, laying into Batista.

Quick tags and dirty triple-teaming tactics are afoot in the Legacy corner as Triple H looks on annoyed. They throw Batista out and take turns distracting the ref so one of them can run over and kick him in the stomach. He lumbers back into the ring but Orton catches him in elevated DDT position. Randy smiles at the ref, who is telling him not to do it, before drilling his big ass into the mat for the nearfall. This is awesome. Back in the corner Batista manages to knock a lackey off but Orton is all over t hat shit with a chinlock. Tista back suplex sends Orton scrambling for the tag and Dibiase is in to stop Batista from reaching Triple H's outstretched hand. Orton immediately tagged back in to resume the beatdown. With another chinlock. Well. Batista soon escapes and hits a spear, leading to Rhodes and McMahon getting tagged in. Shane takes on both members of Priceless while simultaneously setting up the announcer table outside. He then reenters the ring and comes off the top with an elbow on Rhodes in the middle of the ring for a nearfall. He exits the ring again but Orton is there to send him into the steel steps before suplexing him back into the ring from the apron for two. Shane catches quite the beating here, almost getting pinned many times.

They make a big deal out of an Orton dropkick "to the temple." I'm not sure why. Dibiase comes off the top with a double stomp Warrior's Way style for two on Shane. Rhodes is in next with a beautiful kneedrop that he ends with like a somersault, I don't even know. It's like a John Morrison-caliber move. He then puts Shane in a long front facelock that sees him repeatedly lift his own legs and slam them into the mat for some reason. Shane eventually backbody drops out of the facelock but Dibiase gets tagged in time to stop O'Mac from reaching his corner. Shane however surprises him with a quick DDT that sees Triple H finally get the tag just as Orton tagged in for his team. Trips is all over Rands here, pummiling his ass in the corner and hitting all his knee spots. Priceless gets tossed and Orton gets planted with a spinebuster for two, broken up by Dibiase. Batista is in to take care of him, but a Pedigree is interrupted by Rhodes. Shane O'Mac takes himself and Rhodes out over the top rope and battle into th e crowd where Rhodes rocks Shane's shit with a chair. Ref missed it as he was making a double count on Orton and Trips. They both get up and Trips is ready to hit a Pedigree when he sees Batista about to knock the fuck out of Dibiase with a chair just outside the ring. He runs over and yanks the chair out of Batista's hands and throws it away as Orton hits a surprise RKO for two, but the bell rings. Orton's face is fucking panicking as the announcers reaffirm that Hunter kicked out. Orton paces around frant ically before hitting Trips with a SOCCER PUNT to score the pinfall and the bell rings again.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Randy Orton

Legacy quickly walk up the ramp and leave. Nice ending sequence, but that early bell kind of ruined the stolen victory ending. Post-match some official-looking people gather around Triple H and Batista is knelt beside him looking guilty as shit. Yeah, way to go. Like you really needed a chair to beat down an already beaten down Ted fucking Dibiase even further. The announcers talk in grave, hushed tones as they speculate over whether Triple H's career is over as Hunter is strapped to a stretcher, not moving . They show countless replays of the vicious punt, and for such a damaging move, Orton sure looks like a limp-wristed fairy when he hits it. JUDGMENT DAY PROMO.

Post-Judgment Day promo, Cole and King stumble over repeating the phrase "Risk and reward" from the preceding ad until JR saves them by just talking about Cena and Edge. Then they go back to trying to use the phrase "risk and reward" in a relevant way, failing pretty miserably. The segment mercifully ends as we get a great Cena-Edge video chronicling their long-ass series of encounters dating all the way back to Edge's first title win in 2006 over John Cena. So many amazing spots in their history, and appar ently a whole shitload of FU's, too. Edge looks like a fucking killer. Again, twelve years old, and I've gotta get this done in time to catch Street Sharks on Fox Family.

Cole says that Edge "unrightfully" feels entitled to a rematch because he wasn't involved in the decision when Cena won it from him, and that, "by his twisted logic" he feels he should get a rematch. All joking aside Cole is just not cut out to be an announcer, I mean, to put it as nicely as I can, the guy has been at it for ten fucking years and there is nothing redeemable about who he is or what he does. Cena comes out last waving his hands and yelling and generally ruining all of Edge's work at making th is seem like a big intense deal.

Edge vs World Heavyweight Champion John Cena, Last Man Standing Match

Standoff to begin and a tieup goes on for about ten minutes as they prance around the ring. Fast-paced counters as no one gets a shot in. Edge drops to the outside and Cena chases him around the ring, leaping over a Spear upon following him back in. Another staredown as they each kind of say to eachother "yeah, that was pretty pointless." They get to actually hitting eachother soon and a series of clotheslines from Edge sees Cena get counted down for five. Edge charged as Cena was getting up, but instead of hitting a soccer punt he just slapped him. I guess that'd be a pretty anticlimactic ending to the main event, but how fucking awesome would that be, though? It'd be like how Triple H and Shawn Michaels both use the Crossface and do crotch chops during their matches. It'd be like Rated RKO's thing. To kill people. Anyway, Cena tires of his ass beating and takes over, looking for the 5 Knuck Shuff but Edge kicks him in the head as he was leaning over him and staring into his face like an asshole would do. Fo llowup Edgecator with assistance from the ropes and Edge walks away to allow the ref to count. Cena drags his way out to the apron and gets to his feet, only for Edge to tackle him off and to the outside for another extended count.

Edge starts in with the bitch tears when it's obvious that he won't be down for all ten seconds and sets him up against the steps, only to go flying into them as Cena dodges. Cena then proceeds to get whipped into them immediately after anyway. Edge then takes a trip into the opposite steps, all this between counts to various numbers, by the way, so yeah. Extremely slow match. At least in the old days Lita was always there to look at, with her huge gaping slit down the middle, and also those revealing shirt s she used to wear! Cena attempts to get the steps into the ring and they almost fall back on him, but he gets them in there. Edge stops that shit early and whips Cena in the corner before charging and crushing him with the steps and then baseball sliding them into him again. Cena roids up soon though and Adjusts Edge's Attitude over the top rope. Cena then picks up the steps and runs across the ring before chucking them over the ropes and right into Edge's face as he was getting to his feet. Fucking awesom e. He gets up in a daze at eight so Cena rolls him back in the ring. Edge meets him with a right but is stumbling around wildly swinging as many a-wrestling fan are probably reminded of some pretty awful memories involving their dads or the dude that used to bang their mom. They exchange punches until they're both standing there leaning on eachother before they each throw one more that knocks the other over.

Double eight count and they counter various signature moves, and by that I mean Cena repeatedly tried to do the AA but Edge kept reversing it to try another move, eventually planting Cena with a back suplex. STFU and Edge taps but the ref just looks on, probably wondering if Cena is retarded or something. Edge of course gets up and blocks an AA so Cena ditches it and runs the ropes, getting caught with a Spear upon his return. Edge goes up top but Cena meets him there, climbing up and hitting an Attitude Adjustment that sends Edge all the way across the ring. He barely makes it up at nine before collapsing again. Cena comes off the top but Edge spears him in his Fameasser. Cena manages to get up at eight but then tumbles out of the ring on his own accord. Edge proceeds to lose his shit and tears apart the announcer's table and drags Cena up on it but Cena reverses into an Attitude Adjustment that sees Edge get flung right into the crowd and on top of people. The ref is down there to make the nine count as Edg e drapes himself over the barricade to stare at an exasperated John Cena who is leaning against the apron.

Edge then hauls ass up through the crowd and Cena gives chase, running throughout the building backstage and back down through another portion of the crowd. Cena then delivers a bulldog on Edge down a flight of stairs, with Edge landing on a giant equipment chest. He gets up at seven and surprises the approaching Cena with a shot of something before battling him back to the entrance stage, where an Edgecution puts Cena down for nine. Edge then comes flying from offscreen with a chairshot that puts Cena righ t back down. Conchairto on the stage and Edge wearily leans against the back of the video screen, barely standing. Cena stirs at seven to a huge pop, getting up just in time to reverse a spear with an Attitude Adjustment attempt, but Big Show runs out from backstage and throws Edge down before lifting Cena up and chokeslamming him into a giant spotlight that explodes. What. Laying in the obviously hollow spotlight and covered in glass, Cena finally stays down for the ten count.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : Edge

Cole claims "the ultimate opportunist Edge took hold of an opportunity tonight" even though that's not at all what happened. Edge remains sitting on the stage clutching the title and Big Show just left I guess. They get Cena up on a stretcher, with one paramedic dragging him up further onto the stretcher by his neck. That shit is ridiculous. Just fucking hoist him up on your shoulders and carry him to the hospital on your back at that point. Edge looks on open-mouthed and Cena sells being dead by repeatedly cringing as the show goes off the air.

Overall this was definitely an enjoyable show. Every match was at least okay except the Santina one and everything surrounding that, and Edge vs John Cena was EXCELLENT. Plenty of top shelf grainy black-and-white highlight reel moments, to be sure. Big Show tainted the ending with his overwhelming aura of vapid mediocrity, but I guess that leaves the door open for Edge-Cena...Hell in a Cell? I mean they've done just about everything else by now. Oh yeah, and it looks like Trips will be out for quite a while , but then we have John Cena to take his place now that the Draft *officially* goes into effect tomorrow night, so really nothing much there. But hey, three new champions, no bad matches, can't help but recommend it. Or maybe I lied and it was all really really terrible. I guess you'll never know. I get off on that like you wouldn't believe. Allright. END SHOW.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).