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WWE Backlash 2008

by Anthony Dean

April 27, 2008


***Sean Carless' Edit: For those of you interested in becoming our new TWF PPV Recapper or those who have already made submissions, stay tuned. An official announcement on what's going down is forthcoming.

Here I am, being harassed on my extremely busy Tuesday afternoon of myspacing and playing Pokemon to come fill in for some stiff who skipped out on recapping Backlash, WHOEVER that was. *coughCHARLEYCATHERINEANVILJOEJAMESEITHEROFTHENEILSSEANHIMSELFcough*. Okay, ridiculous framing attempts aside, let's get to it!

Welcome all to WWE Backlash! It's the backlash to Wrestlemania, and so that justifies tonight being pretty much full of thinly-veiled rematches. You may be wondering why you or I would pay to see pretty much what we just saw four weeks ago, but don't worry, surely they wouldn't cheat us by putting less work into this than Wrestlemania. Surely.

Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" is the theme song for tonight, which is appropriate seeing as how that's about the length of time we'll be buying these rematches. "The end of Wrestlemania is only the beginning...of three more months of what you saw at Wrestlemania." We're welcomed to the show by the announcers and holy shit MICK FOLEY is Michael Cole's partner on the Smackdown team! I hope Jonathan Coachman's Player's Card has enough perks to lessen the blow of his sudden lack of a paycheck. One down, one to go, motherfucker! I sincerely hope we lose Cole by the next Punjabi Prison Match. I'm not sure if I could tolerate him insisting those walls are made of solid steel bamboo. Anyway, jerking the curtain tonight is Matt Hardy vs MVP. You know, the one match I've really been looking forward too. Best keep this one short, need to make sure there's enough time for Big Show and Khali!

Matt Hardy vs United States Champion MVP, United States Championship match

They do the introductions in the ring and they start off going at it with MVP getting the edge on Hardy with the basic stuff all matches are required to start off with. It's a Fan Law and everything, probably. Hardy comes back quick though and starts pounding on MVP, who tries to get a break outside the ring but Hardy is right on his ass, rolling him in before picking up a quick two count. MVP whips Hardy into the corner but his charge is blocked by Hardy's boot and he follows up with an elbow to the head. MVP quickly regains with a back suplex for two and so he goes up top, but Hardy is there to greet him with strikes and elbows. MVP falls into the ring and Matt tries for a Moonsault but P gets the knees up. Is anyone ever allowed to land a Moonsault? Even Jimmy Wang Yang's always hit when the guy is standing up. Seriously, why is this move held in such high regard that it's only allowed to be successful during the Money in the Bank ladder match and maybe in a throwaway cruiserweight match since no one important is paying attention anyway? Shit's almost as bad as when they try to tease a piledriver.

Anyway, MVP keeps Matt grounded by working over his stomach, but he rallies and gets up before lifting MVP and slamming him in a cool spot. He charges but MVP counters with a belly to belly for two. They each vie for control with both looking until P goes for the Playmaker but Hardy counters with the Side Effect, the usual side effect of which remains in tact as a two count follows. Hardy goes back up telegraphing more than Flair here as MVP quickly gets up and dropkicks him, crotching Matt on the turnbuckle. Superplex is reversed into a top rope Side Effect and both guys are down for the count. Matt soon makes the cover but gets two, since it was still only a Side Effect. Twist of Fate gets reversed and MVP connects with a running boot, sending Hardy out of the ring. He stays out till the ref counts nine, playing up the belt shot he received on Smackdown. (The physical belt shot to his head I mean, not the title shot he received with the making of this match...Okay, this aside was completely unnecessary) When Hardy manages to get himself back in, MVP just fucks him up by kicking his head a shitload of times. Hardy stands himself up in the corner and MVP looks to finish this with another running boot, but Hardy dodges and P gets his leg slung over the top rope. Hardy quickly capitalizes with a Twist of Fate and he pins to win his "first" singles title.

Winner and NEW United States Champion : Matt Hardy(~!)

MVP sells Hardy's Twist of Fate by, um, looking shocked and throwing a fit and punching the mat.

In the back Eve Torres is interviewing Hardy on his win. He puts over the US Title, saying it's the most prestigious title he's ever won before telling MVP that he is better than him. That moment would have been kind of neat if everyone didn't already know that MVP's just going to move on to the World Title picture now and Hardy will probably just drop the belt in two months to Festus or some shit and go back to floundering, but still. For tonight, Matt is the top Hardy! And not just because Jeff is still o n suspension, nope. Now it's time for some that hardcore painful stuff ECW is known for - Mike Adamle's announcing.

Chavo Guerrero w/ Bam Neely vs ECW Champion Kane, ECW Championship Match

They do the introductions in the ring here as well, as if the ECW Championship is a legitimate title or something. The thought! Anyway, this one is at least kept realistic as it's basically just Kane destroying Chavo all around the ring and outside of it. Chavo was looking to go after the knee throughout the match and manages to get it around the ringpost and kicks it. The referee reprimands him, allowing BAM NEELY to slam it into the ringpost. Chavo goes up top but Kane stands and delivers a big Electric C hair drop. He follows up with the standard Kane formula. Attempted chokeslam, back body drop, flying clothesline, that whole bit. Chavo manages to stay alive and comes off the top with a pretty shitty looking double axe handle, meaning of course he is going to get caught. He does but counters into a tornado DDT for two. He goes back up top and comes off but Kane catches him by the neck. He climbs up holding Chavo, looking for a big chokeslam, but Chavo headbutts himself free. He goes for a frogsplash and it looks to connect, but Kane catches him by the neck as soon as it does and gets up to deliver a chokeslam for the win.

Winner : Kane.

They teased Kane-Neely, which frankly is just cruel. Actually I like Kane, but goddamn that'd be lame to do already, especially over a title. Anyway, after ECW's mess is out of the way, Todd Grisham interviews WWE Champion Randy Orton. He says that we're still in the Age of Orton and he'll walk out the champion because, well fuck, Cena's making a movie and they'd have to be insane to put the belt on JBL. He then suddenly remembers that Triple H is also in the match and cuts the interview short, telling Todd to excuse him, but he's got some "goddamn emergency politicking to do." Huh.

Cole and Foley go over the feud between Big Show and The Great Khali since Khali is on Smackdown and Big Show just kind of goes wherever.

Big Show vs The Great Khali

Shove. Shove. Chop. Clothesline. Chop. Chop. Mocking chant. Chop. Chop. Chop. Chop. Another chop. Punch. Chop. Boot. Khali then gets Show on the ground and goes for some fucked looking submission move that I think is supposed to be a crossface (yes, THAT crossface) until Big Show gets up and looks to put down Khali, but he can't lift him and Khali brain chops him. Two count and Khali goes for another submission hold. Because that's what people want to see - The great big giant put a guy in a surfboard stret ch. Show backs Khali up and scoop slams him, but Khali chokes him. Show counters with a chokeslam and that's it for this one.

Winner : The Big Show

In the back now, Cena is hanging out with Jimmy Wang Yang, possibly giving eachother pointers on how to get over ridiculous gimmicks that conflict with your ethnic origin. Orton says Cena's not going home with the belt and Cena says "Hey, I've got a solid week of house shows in Europe and another movie to film - I'm not going home period." Orton walks off, shaking his head and laughing condescendingly at Cena's ignorance of how to get a thirty day vacation and come back to be rewarded with a renewed push. H e then smokes a joint and flicks it into a nearby hotel room window, setting it ablaze. He's sure to retain now.

They keep pushing this cell phone poll shit. As if people don't know money fits into garbage disposals. They run a video about the conflict between Shawn Michaels and Batista, and since that's so boring they also had Jericho in there doing stuff and getting beat up. Their match is up.

Shawn Michaels vs Batista w/ Special Guest Referee Chris Jericho

Both Batista and Michaels got loud boos, while Jericho was pretty solidly cheered. Towards the beginning, Batista thwarts Michaels' attacks with POWER MOVES, if you can believe that. Michaels fights back with his vast array of technical maneuvers such as chop blocks, well-timed knee drops, and an extended series of armbars. Batista answers these by simply hurling both Michaels and himself over the top rope. Because brains and brawn just don't mix. Well, except for Bobby Heenan and his Family. Anyway, Michae ls dominates Batista from here by sending him into the ringpost before following him back in the ring and laying into him, wearing him down with strikes and an arm wrench. He later does an armbar with Batista with his arm draped over the rope but Jericho stops that shit by threatening to throw it out. HBK goes up and lands a double axe handle to Batista, but Batista comes right back with a samoan drop. Corner clothesline from Batista precedes a big powerslam that gets a nearfall. He goes for the Bomb but Mi chaels counters with the Crossface. SHADES OF NO ONE EVER! Teest is closer to the ropes than he is to tapping, so Michaels breaks it and goes for the cover, which he craftily converts(~) into another Crossface. He manages to reach the ropes but Michaels refused to break it, so Jericho had to pull him off of Batista. Batista executes a side slam and they're both recovering. Michaels with his flying forearm/kip up, but Batista is ready for him with a lazy spear. Nearfall and Batista looks to go for a superple x but Jericho makes him back away from the ropes. Batista goes back up to meet Michaels but HBK punches him off and connects with the flying elbow before stomping the ground, waiting for Batista to stand up and realize what's going on. He does and turns the superkick into a big spinebuster. He goes for the Bomb again but Michaels slips out and crumples, hugging his knee. Y2J holds Batista back and goes to check Michaels out, but not in the way as his haircut would suggest, and HBK hobbles to his feet. He th en surprises Batista with a quick Sweet Chin Music and Jericho counts the pinfall.

Winner : Shawn Michaels

Jericho holds up Michaels' hand without incident and helps escort him out of the ring, selling the knee injury. I don't know if it's fake or not. I hope not. We need something to keep Batista the fuck away from the Undertaker. There 1024th match together really does not need a rematch. Those two just don't have the power to keep their matches fresh, and yes I did just attempt a poorly constructed math joke. I'm not above anything. Oh yeah, they're also already shilling the Wrestlemania 24 DVD, so get ready for that. I hear if you preorder it from wwe.com, the DVD case has bits of burnt human flesh recovered from all the skin grafts of people who got hit by the stray pyro rockets. So yeah, get that while you can.

Hunter's turn to meet up with Orton. Orton solemnly tells Triple H that he will not succeed and will not win the title. Hunter blows him off, but then quickly punches the numbers to all the creative team members he's got on speed dial (ie all of them) for a quick conference, just to be sure. Hey, guess what's next!

Beth Phoenix, Natalya Neidhart, Victoria, Layla, Melina, & Jillian Hall vs Ashley, Maria, Cherry, Michelle McCool, Kelly Kelly, & Women's Champion Mickie James

This is history in the making folks, as this is the FIRST EVER 12-Diva tag match. This is more groundbreaking than that 24-man tag team they had on ECW the other week. Or month, I don't know it all kind of runs together. Anyway, they basically made McCool, Melina, and Mickie all look strong at the expense of the other even more useless Divas. Just kidding, I like Mickie and Melina. Ashley was made to look good too for a bit, until she got drilled with Beth
Phoenix's Perfectplex for the loss.

Winner : The heels.

They remind us that Judgment Day is only three weeks away, and boy is it going to be a stacked card, probably! I don't know, they haven't really started building towards it yet. I like how during pay per views they advertise the NEXT pay per view like it's always the big important one you really got to see, just in case you did something stupid like, say, already spend all your money on, you know, the pay per view you're watching the advertisement on. We get a video chronicling Taker-Edge and their Resleman ia Rematch is up next.

Edge vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker, World Heavyweight Championship match

Taker says "I'm going to hurt you" in that coldly indifferent way of his. Reminds me of my dad, only he never says anything mean to me. He doesn't dislike me, he simply nothings me. One kid whose dad used to molest him said that sounded worse. I replied by asking him isn't it time for his dad to take him into the shed again to hide the fact that I agreed with him. But enough about my brother. Taker starts off by throwing Edge through the ropes to the out side. Edge comes back in and they proceeded to have a nice little battle. Edge eventually tries to clothesline Taker over the top rope but he lands on his feet on the outside. Edge remedies that with a baseball slide and looks to lunge at Taker from the apron but Edge gets caught and slammed back-first into the ringpost before being whipped into, and then dropped on, the barricade. Edge gets thrown around a little more before Taker hits an apron leg drop, and back in the ring a regular leg drop, before being pinned for two. Taker hoists him up for a slam but Edge counters with an inverted DDT. This gets two, and so does a spear to Taker's back. Long ass bodyscissors proceeds to ensue as I wonder why in wrestling legs are referred to as scissors and not, say, clamps, or something else that's not sharp. This stupid attempt at an entertaining aside, Taker punches his way out of the body clamp.

Edge remains in control however, and after putting Taker down he delivers a baseball slide that sends the Deadman walking, er, tumbling, out of the ring. He brings him back in and goes for a camel clutch which Undertaker tries to break by simply standing up, as if that's how the move works. Edge counters the counter into another body clamp until Taker gets the ropes. They both trade moves and counters and look pretty evenly matched for a bit. They each put each other down with clotheslines and kicks before it turns to punching which Undertaker wins because, AS YOU KNOW, Taker is the best pure striker in the WWE. And why not? After all, whose going to have stiffer moves than a corpse? Those shoot-fighting gloves just make sense. Big Taker leaping clothesline and Snake Eyes before dropping Edge with a big boot. Entirely misplaced, unnecessary, and doomed to fail Old School attempt sees Edge escape and land a kick to Taker's head. Edge looks for a top rope Hurricarana but Taker counters into a huge powerbomb attempt, but Edge escapes that and just gets shoved down to the mat. Taker tries for an elbow drop but Edge rolls clear and picked up a two count off of Taker's fuck up. He goes out and grabs Taker's belt because, hell, he can get a title shot whenever he wants. Thems the rules when you fucks the boss. Or the boss's daughter, I suppose. (See : Tonight's main event, and 90% of every other main event in the past six years).

Edge however drops the belt on the apron and Taker just grabs him by the throat and yanks him back into the ring. Chokeslam attempt, reverse, reversed reversal, reversed reversal reversed culminates into a Russian leg sweep for Edge. He goes up but Taker recovers and delivers a top rope chokeslam. Edge grabs the turnbuckle pad to stop a tombstone and pulls the pad off. He sends Taker's back into the exposed ringpost and so the referee bumbles over to fix this. Meanwhile, two feet away, an Edgehead is out to clock Taker with the title belt as the oblivious ref is double, triple, no, quadrupleknotting the turnbuckle pad. Belt shot gets two and Edge sets up the spear, but Taker counters it into a DDT at the last second for a nearfall on Edge. Another Edgehead is out to stop Taker from chokeslamming Edge, so Edge gets thrown into his Head and that's it for that guy. That's the thing about lackeys in wrestling - the more you have, the easier they are to take out. It's true, check the Fan Laws. Or don't, since I always just make Fan Laws up as I go, but damnit it should be one. Last Ride gets reversed into a rollup for two and so Taker just grabs Edge and pulls him into his choke hold. You pretty much know that's it, but they prolong it for a minute anyway before Edge finally taps out.

Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion : The Undertaker

Taker decides that if he's going to keep facing this motherfucker, he might as well do what damage he can now and keeps the hold on for a good minute or so. Edge ends up coughing up blood and blacking out as Vickie Guerrero is wheeled down by her slave Theodore Long. "Yessuh, Miss, Massuh's certainly dead. No no, no need to check, truss me, I know. I is, erm, a slave doctor. Whelp, guess that means I'm free now! So when do I receive my 40 acres and a mule, is that an immediate thing or will your people get back to me or uh, how does that work?" Well, it doesn't work, Teddy. For one, the paramedics are out to bring Edge to the closest Medical Facility to heal him from a fake choking move that *probably* wouldn't kill *another* eight year old, and two, it's 2008. Slavery isn't legal. You don't have to put up with this. You're free to quit whenever you want. There's plenty of other job opportunities* for a small, middle aged black man whose only work experience consists of pretty much just babbling ebonics and instigating fights.

*At the Tyson chicken factory and maybe Wendy's, if they've forgot the lesson they learned with Booker T.

More Orton. He's outside JBL's locker-room where he meets CM Punk. He wishes Orton luck while holding his briefcase. Yeah, right, as if they'd ever let Punk hold the World Title on Raw. I'm still half-expecting him to cash in the briefcase on Kane's ass some random Tuesday night. They tell us that, according to many thorough and rigorous polls, apparently nobody thinks JBL will win tonight. Who'd a thought? You know, other than everyone. They show a video that reminds us how all these guys got into the main event. That is, by complaining a lot and basically relying on the past to justify their current pushes. Next up, the Main Event here tonight at Starrcade!

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs Triple H vs John Cena vs JBL, No DQ Elimination Fatal Four Way for the WWE Championship

Triple H is over as a motherfucker here. This match was like designed for him to win. As soon as the bell rings Orton grabs his belt to use as a weapon, but JBL just boots it into his head and Orton falls out of the ring. The other three men go at it with Cena and H focusing on each other. Cena gets whipped to the corner and so rolls out to recover from this devastating injury. JBL and H battled in the ring as Cena yanked Orton out of his comfortable seat in a chair and forces him back into the ring. As Cena was on the apron, H whipped Orton into him, sending The Marine crashing through the announce table. I bet that takes him back to...whatever war he was in. Let's say he's a veteran of the War on Terror. That's phrase is vague enough that you can probably beat up a kid who's wearing a scary costume on Halloween and be considered a veteran of it. JBL and Orton gang up on Hunter, but Hunter and his invincibility gang up on the heels, and he dominates them before JBL pulled him out of the ring and put him down. Not before Triple H sent him into the steps and almost hit a pedigree, however. If Hunter doesn't win tonight, then...well, I guess he could just win at any of the other six pay per views within the next month and a half. But still.

Orton and Cena fighting in the ring and Cena delivers a nice blockbuster. Top rope Fameasser and STFU follow as JBL thinks about breaking it up, but then decides that if Orton gets eliminated, at least there's a chance that he'll at least get second place in this match so Hunter can beat a heel to win and get cheered that much more. But still, SECOND PLACE! So he instead hilariously tells Orton to tap out until Triple H surprises him with a Crossface. What the fuck man, is today the anniversary or what? Jesus, when even Khali does it, you know that shit is intentional. I guess they're trying to re-establish the move or something, but why go through all this when you can do something that makes sense like give it to Snitsky and rename it the Child Killer? Play off of real life! You spun the Montreal Screwjob, so what's an Atlanta Double Murder-Suicide? Ah well. Anyway, Cena hits Orton who falls and breaks up Hunter's Child Killer (okay, that seriously is horrible, I'll go back to Crossface) and so JBL gets up a nd levels Orton with a big boot for a two count. Big spot a little later saw JBL going for a superplex on Orton, only for Hunter and Cena to double powerbomb JBL in a tower of doom. Two count on both the heels and so Cena and H went at it. Cena hit all of his pre-FU moves (also known as all of his moves) before going for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Triple H got up as he was coming back and put him down with a spinebuster. Everybody teased their finishes here but nobody hit one until Cena put JBL in the STFU and JBL tapped right the fuck out. Immediately afterwards, Orton landed the SOCCER KICK on Cena's head and pinned him for the surprise elimination.

Triple H and Orton are the two remaining, and Orton fucks Hunter up all over ringside before scoring a nearfall in the ring amidst Triple H chants. Orton continues to dominate and eventually put on a body clamp and chin lock which turned into just a chin lock. A long chin lock. A horrible chin lock. After H briefly came back to get out of it, Orton regained the advantage and went for an RKO but got shoved off and both guys were down for the count, even though they just had a huge fucking chin lock rest hold . Triple H mounted his comeback here doing all that shit he does with his knee before sending Orton out and slamming him into the side of the announce table, but Orton reversed by sending H into the wall. Man this is a long match. I would not have wrote all that shit down so detailed if I knew that. Vague generalities from here on out. Piledriver "attempt" on the steps from Orton, but GET THIS, Triple H counters it! Back in the ring H with a spinebuster and pedigree attempt that is reversed into a backdrop. RKO is also reversed and now we have a ref bump. In a No DQ match. Well it's also a Triple H match, so I suppose I should have expected this regardless. Anyway, Orton lands an RKO next and slowly makes his way over for the pin. This gets only two and so Orton looks for the back-leg frontkick to the head, but H dodges and goes for the Pedigree. Orton reverses into an RKO attempt but Hunter reverses that and plants Randy Orton with the Pedigree and pins for the win. Dear God that was a long match.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Triple H

Triple H postures with his newly won belt, and what's it at now, twelve? I think that ties with Hogan. Only five more title wins and Hunter can die a happy man! Or should I say THE happy man? Just kidding. Sort of. It was a good match and Hunter winning was definitely the ending that it deserved. The rest of the show was very good as well, as even Khali-Big Show was made entertaining. I don't know how well they can build up Judgment Day with only two weeks of TV, especially without running Wrestlemania rematches into the ground, but nevertheless, this was a very good show, and while a bit light on matches, the ones that were here at least got enough time and none of them were shortchanged, which was good because most of them were kind of big-deal matches that I really wanted to see. So anyway yeah. Thumbs up or whatever. Alright. END SHOW.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).