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WWE Backlash 2007

by Sean Carless

April 29, 2007

Hey there PPV Fans, I'm Sean Carless, with your Recapitation for Backlash. And much like Michael Corleone in Godfather 3, every time I try to finally get out, they keep pulling me back in. And by "they" I mean your usual PPV recapmeister James Walker, who is completing his University Exams, and would rather forsake WWE's FIRST EVER FULLY TRI-BRANDED PAY-PER-VIEW, for a proper education and a chance to segue that degree into a cushy well paid job. I just don't get it myself.  I mean, when are you ever going to see John Cena and Bobby Lashley in high profile matches attempting to defy the odds again? Oh.

Anyway, this is Backlash! God's least favorite Pay-per-view! He always took Judgment Day with a grain (pillar?) of salt, and then followed suit with Armageddon (despite asking "Hey, isn't that kinda the exact same thing as Judgment Day?"), but once Backlash rolled around, and he was jobbed out in his debut, he kind of had no use for WWE anymore. Go figure.

Tonight's show comes to us from Atlanta, Georgia! The former home of WCW! And normally, I'd suggest that WWE perhaps bring WCW back, but somehow I suspect Vince would just get everyone's hopes up with the revival, then squash them when he takes away everything unique and entertaining from the brand in lieu of his own bastardized vision of the product, built entirely around a muscle-bound hoss with no link to the company whatsoever. Man, it's a good thing I've never lived to see anything like that happen. Oh wait.

Your hosts tonight are... well, a redneck in a cowboy hat and a guy whose lame act got old years ago. You can try and figure out just which team I mean. Ambiguity ftw!

Onto the show~!

(C) The Hardys vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch: World Tag Team Championship.

I love how Matt Hardy has somehow snuck his way back onto RAW without anyone batting an eye. He's like that dude who shows up to a neighborhood barbecue uninvited, but no one has the nerve to tell him he doesn't really belong there. Haha, Matt Hardy at a BBQ would RULE, though. I  picture him scooping a giant portion of potato salad onto a paper plate, yelling out Veeee Oneahhhhhhhh!... and then leaving to his theme music while he triumphantly exits with the shocker symbol held high, and 2/3rds of the food. I laugh at this scenario because usually I AM that guy. Only my theme music isn't nearly as cool.

Anyway, this is the Hardy's first title defense on PPV since winning the belts, and of course their opponents here are Cade & Murdoch, who in my estimation have slowly but surely become WWE's version of herpes. Every time you think you've seen the last of them, they pop right back up when you least expect it. But hey, for Cade that's a good thing. My theory on him is that he only still works for this company because he keeps changing his look every two fucking months and no one in the office recognizes his ass. Seriously. This time next year he'll be competing exclusively in one of those pairs of nose & mustache novelty glasses, and he'll still be drawing a paycheck, with no one in the office being the wiser.

That said, these two teams are actually given a fairly decent amount of time, and put together a pretty darn good little match. Matt & Cade start off  trading offense. Cade & Murdoch then isolate Matt and work him over briefly but Matt makes the tag to Jeff, who comes in a house of fire...on fire because someone left their pipe burning no doubt, and he hits the whisper in the wind on Murdoch for a two. He then follows that up with a Poetry in Motion to the floor to both men. What kind of Poetry, you ask? I'm hoping a Haiku myself:

Jeff Hardy running
Launching off the back of Matt
Lands on a redneck

Sounds about right. Matt then rolls Murdoch back in. Wait. Matt & Murdoch? Matt Murdoch? These two need to form a team! The Daredevils? Matt then goes up top and hits a big 2nd rope elbow for two. It's just then I notice the bitchin' tan Murdoch is sporting now. It's about time. You can't call yourself a redneck when you have no actual pigment. I guess the dude just got tired of everyone knowing the exact location of every vital internal organ he has whilst under certain lights. Can't say I blame him.

Anyway, a lot of back and forth from there with both teams getting the advantage on and off. I'd recap every single move, but I don't want to. I'm taking a stand against blow by blow recapping. Deal with it. In any event, towards the end, Matt hit the clothesline/bulldog on Cade & Murdoch and covered Trevor for a for 2.  The Hardy's then go for Poetry In Motion, but Cade pulls Murdoch clear and Jeff takes a spill, even though it looked like more of a botch then anything else. A botch by Jeff Hardy? You don't say. From there  Matt with a sudden Side Effect on Murdoch, but Cade came off the top to break up the pin. Murdoch then covers for a near 2.  Murdoch then hits his Code Red(neck) /Texas Destroyer (not this) while likely yelling STAY STILL SO YOU CAN IN ESSENCE PILEDRIVE YOURSELF.  Matt however kicks out at 2, presumably because he will not die, but in all likelihood more because it's Trevor Murdoch pinning him. No offense. In any event, ALL HECK BREAKS LOOSE, and Matt hits a twist of fate on Murdoch, but gets dragged out by Cade. This allows Jeff to fly in with the Swanton bomb, which allows Matt to crawl back in and get the winning pin! Very good match. (really big stupid white cowboy) hat's off to both teams here.

Winners & STILL Champions: The Hardys. But hey, since the fucking finish to the movie Titanic was probably less in doubt than the finish of this match, you get (completely randomly):



- Shane McMahon is backstage with Umaga giving him a pep talk.  Yes. A Pep talk. To a guy who doesn't speak English. I'd have personally marked out if in the top corner, we saw a bubble with Armando Estrada pop up like those old closed caption things you used to see for deaf people, only with Estrada just speaking total gibberish and saying "Samoa" every few seconds. You know, Umaga's apparent language. But hey, that's just me. From there, Vince comes in, wearing all black, including a black skull cap that makes him look like the world's oldest mugger. And how apropos, I feel like he's been stealing my money for years. Ok then. The two McMahons then argue over who should be the new ECW Champion, as guys like Mike Awesome likely roll over in their grave. Which actually means Mike's still alive! Quick, someone get him out of there! We don't have much time!

- Hey, apparently you can call in and pay to text who you think will win tonight's fatal four-way! Or, you could maybe just send WWE your ATM card. Save yourself some time. Anyway, call now, and text "993" and then spell out the wrestler's name you think will prevail. And oh, ya, if at any point in the future you hear the sound of breaking furniture, Text "911" and "Orton". The police would really appreciate it. 

(C) Melina vs. Mickie James: Women's Championship.

Ah, yes, a battle between a woman who won her way into my heart once I saw her spread her legs for the first time.... and Melina. And if you ever saw certain Mickie James pictures floating around on the net, you'll know exactly what I mean. You'll also never look at another Philly Beef & Swiss sandwich from Arby's the same way again.

That said, for those of you who don't know, apparently in France last week, Mickie actually beat Melina for the belt, but Melina regained it about an hour later. There's no mention made of it at all here. And no word of whether every match ended in unconditional submission as a tribute to the host country. Yup.

Anyway, these two ladies apparently hate one another in real life, and for whatever reason they never seem to be on the same (thick, stuck together) page in their matches. Not this time, though. It was VERY good. And thank god. Anything is better than having to wrestle Ashley again, who apparently is injured... yet AGAIN. I blame the implants. They're actually filled with cement I hear, and cause Ashley to violently crash to the mat every time she wrestles. Kind of like tying sandbags to a hot air balloon. What can you do? It's science. You can't fight it.

The two women start off with some chain wrestling, countering out of hammerlocks, and Mickie gets the brief advantage with a head-scissors, as Melina scurries and goes looking for her contact. BUT IT'S A RUSE. The likes of which have not been seen since George Hackenschmidt got an unfair advantage on Frank Gotch in 1904 when he claimed he lost his reading monocle in mid-abdominal stretch. The classics ALWAYS work. Melina then of course sucker punches Mickie, as Mickie likely kicks herself for ever having the class to basically let someone try to retrieve their reading glasses IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING FIGHT. Mickie however regains the advantage with some shoulder thrusts in the corner and a monkey flip to Melina. There's clearly a mean joke one could make here, but I'm not that crass. I'm too motherfucking classy for that bullshit. Soon after, Mickie goes up top, but Melina shoves her off hard and she spills outside. It's just then I start thinking of the WWE.com article where WWE followed Mickie around all day, and even into her bathroom, where the camera dude got to apparently watch her bathe. Man. If there was ever a time to be that invisible camera man. It almost makes up for all the times they never called the police while silently filming some of pro-wrestling's biggest atrocities.

Mickie eventually makes her way back in, and Melina takes it to her, tossing her across the ring with a hair mare. Melina eventually snares Mickie in a really cool full nelson...only with her legs! Fuller Nelson? Maybe. Melina goes for a cover while applying the hold but gets 2, then tries to use the ropes for leverage but the ref catches her. Mickie and Melina then fight into the corner, where Melina counters out of something with a seated senton. Melina applies another hammerlock/chinlock variant but Mickie fights out, then both drop into the splits and exchange blows. Yes, women, split-legged, throwing wild punches. This usually is how a lot of our friend Joe Merrick's dates end. Mickie, now on offense, wears Melina down, and hits a neckbreaker, then a cross body for 2. However, Melina eventually fights out in the corner, rakes Mickie's eyes and hits the inverted DDT to get the win. Great match. Thumbs up. And everything else.

Winner and still champion: Melina!... Mick Foley's special friend. In honor of her big win, and as a tribute to her friendship with Mick, I'm thinking about pulling something flaccid and white out of my pants and placing it on my hand, too. And sadly it ain't Mr. Socko. Although he'd sure come in handy in about 35 seconds.


-Maria is standing by with Edge. Edge says he's glad he didn't have to wrestle Orton, and glad HBK & Cena wore each other out last week. He says this all gives him an advantage. How not having a match with Orton gives only him an advantage I have no idea. Maria then goes to ask Edge a question, and pulls out a piece of paper out of her cleavage (BEST ROLODEX EVER). She asks him how he won the WWE Title the first time. Edge states, "It's simple, I fucked another guy's girlfriend and parlayed that hatred into a main event push". Ok, he didn't say that. But it's true. He did however relay how he cashed in his Money in the Bank. This of course segues into current 'Mr. Money in the Bank' Mr. Kennedy showing up. He alludes to the fact that he just might cash the contract in tonight after Edge's match. Huh. You know, surprise attacks seem to have better results when you  don't know they're coming. That'd be like the U.S. knowing Japan was going to bomb them well ahead of time in World War 2. Wait. Bad example...

Rant Hijack: That said, I'm saddened that Mr. Kennedy himself didn't have a match. I thought for sure Kennedy would be on the card. And I'd have bet money that he'd have fought Finlay. (Who is thankfully Irish, because if he was Scottish, he'd never ever cash that briefcase in if he actually won it....). Shows what I know. Truthfully though, my main reason for wanting Kennedy on the show is that I had a great Matrix tie-in for Mr. Kennedy that I desperately wanted to kill time with  use. Did you know that prior to coming to WWE, he was known as "Mr. Anderson"? It's true. And obviously, someone in Titan Tower was paranoid about having to cut a check to the fucking Wachowski Brothers, hence the "Mr. Kennedy" we see today. And what a shame. I can't be the only guy on earth who'd mark for this exchange:

Mr. Anderson: "I know Kung-Fu."
Todd Grisham: "Listen, Ken; Just because they taught you to do a spinkick in OVW doesn't mean you know Kung-Fu..."

Ok, maybe I am the only one.

-Condemned Trailer airs. Huh. A bunch of ragtag losers that no one apparently cares about, trapped, and fighting to break free of their hopeless surroundings? Until last week, they used to call that DSW...

(C) Chris Benoit vs. MVP: United States Heavyweight Championship:

You know I've said it before, but MVP's parents must have really been confident in his athletic abilities to saddle him with that name. The poor guy really had no choice but to go into sports. It's like naming your kid Jeeves. You've pretty much guaranteed he's going to be a butler. But hey, it could be worse. You could be his promiscuous brother H.I.V. who I heard just got sick. I for one wish him a speedy umm, recovery.

Anyway, it's come down to this, as MVP has been seemingly chasing Benoit and the U.S. Belt since the year's inception. And in honor of Benoit's Canadian heritage, somewhere deep down, I was hoping that by now he'd have renamed the Title the "Canadian Championship". But hey, that'd require losing some 1/4 of its worth, cleaning it up considerably, and having all the title matches feature two very polite people argue over who really deserved to do the job more, rather than actually wrestling. Huh, maybe it's for the best they kept it the way it was....

The big story here of course is that MVP has the ability to match Benoit hold for hold, but just can't seem to find a away to beat him. This is also Benoit's "hometown" so the crowd is rabidly (HIYO) behind the wolverine. Yes, the rare Georgian Wolverine. I never knew they were indigenous to the deep south. What's next, a wrestler called "The Polar Bear" from Mexico?  In any event, both men go heavy with the chain wrestling, and counter and re-counter each other's holds. Benoit eventually gets a quick crossface but MVP quickly gets the ropes. After a nifty backslide counter for 2, MVP gets the advantage again with a big Yakuza kick for another 2. Man, I'm surprised the Japanese mob is as feared as they are, when all they do is kick each other if this hold is to be believed.  MVP works the neck from there, but Benoit is somehow able to eventually transition out into with the rolling Germans! (not this). Benoit tries to go up top, but MVP trips him up and gets the advantage again with a neckbreaker and a hot shot on the ropes. However, soon after, Benoit gets the crossface, but MVP gets into the ropes. MVP then applies a stump puller on Benoit, then transitions that into an armlock but the ref forces the break when he sees MVP use the ropes for leverage. MVP hits a running kick to the face from there, but misses a second, which allows Benoit to hit 5 Germans in a row. Benoit goes up top for a flying headbutt, but "flying" and "WWE" hasn't exactly worked out too great lately, so Benoit crashes in burns on the headbutt attempt as MVP gets the knees up. MVP then locks in a half-crab and cinches it, and right as Benoit is about to tap, he gets the ropes. MVP and Benoit struggle some more from there, as Benoit tries a Crossface again, but MVP counters out, but Benoit re-counters that into a small package to get the win. Holy shit. Great wrestling match.

Winner and STILL Champion: Chris Benoit. I DID NOT see that coming. I thought for sure this was MVP's night, and he'd finally get to join the upper echelon of umm, individuals who wear ridiculous full torso unitards?... like founding members Flash Funk and Giant Gonzalez. I guess he should just be thankful that unlike Gonzalez, no one airbrushed a fully animated ass crack on the back of his suit. This can only be a good thing considering some of the people running around in this company....


-Tard Grisham is backstage with John Cena who gets booed somewhat. Randy Orton then shows up and tries to buddy up to Cena by saying that they were both "young, talented & handsome". Cena then basically accuses Orton of being a homosexual. Orton then buries himself more by saying at the end of the night he'll be the one laying on top of Cena. Cue Ron Simmons. DAMN.

Oh, so that's Orton's punishment. He gets called a queer on TV.  Good deal. That sure makes up for the damage he did in Europe. If only more sentences were carried out like that way....

Judge: "Jury, do you have your verdict?"
Jury Foreman: "We have, your Honor."
Judge: "What say you?"
Jury: "We the jury find the defendant Scott Peterson, Guilty...of being a Faggot."
Judge: "Sentence served! Ok, son, you're free to go.."

-Video package for Lashley vs. McMahon's & Umaga. But since we've all seen it all before,  you get....

A Strange Game of "Twister" breaking out in the middle of RAW! Finally, Cena with a "Spinner" that we actually give two shits about~!

(C) Bobby Lashley vs. Vince McMahon, Shane "Mr. Fantastic" McMahon & UUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMAGA: ECW World title handicap match of extreme odds to overcome! But if anyone can do it, it's Bobby! We love Bobby! (Trump Said so.).

Before we get into the match, I have to mention that I recently got an email from a couple of our readers from Wrestlecrap's forums who brought something hilarious to my attention. That being the uncanny resemblance of the ECW World Champion Bobby Lashley to a Battletoad. And those good folks at WC's forums are 100% right. I can't believe I never saw it before, because it's so obvious. Clearly, the good people at Nintendo need to add a playable Bobby Lashley character to the franchise IMMEDIATELY. Normally, I'd try and think of an acne themed moniker for Bobby to fit in with the other toads, but thanks to whatever he's taking that made him go from 220 pounds a few years ago to like 300 now, well, it'll come soon enough. But for now, let us imagine a Bobby Lashley version of Battletoads (Bastoads?) and how you could beat the game in like 60 seconds because all the bosses would just keel over effortlessly, because trying to beat Bobby is FUTILE. THERE ARE NO ODDS HE CANNOT OVERCOME. Come on WWE, make it happen! And for the love of God let the below link be his new ECW theme music!:



Anyway, just in case you have been living under a rock and haven't had this tedious storyline beat into your head, this is a 3 on 1 handicap match. Now, a smart man would state that if Vince McMahon's ultimate goal in humbling Bobby Lashley was TAKING AWAY HIS WORLD TITLE, why not just strip the motherfucker of the belt? Or fire his ass? But hey, that "smart man" hung himself the moment Vince Russo & Vince McMahon won their company's World title's about 8 years ago. That said, I love that WWE heels make fucking Bond movie Villains look the most shrewd people on Earth. Stay tuned to Judgment Day next month where Vince  battles Lashley in a Scaffold match over a tank of acid, filled with sharks with laser beams on their heads~! Ahem. But hey, irregardless, if you INSIST on having Lashley legitimately put his belt up in a contest you want to GUARANTEE that he'll lose, why not go with say a Spelling Bee? But knowing our luck, his word would be "Bastard" and he'd still OVERCOME THE ODDS. Dear God.

That said, we're underway, and this is under EXTREME RULES~! so no chance of the patented Bobby Lashley EXTREME~! DQ finish we all love so much. Shane starts things off with Lashley, but if this really is no DQ, why bother tagging at all? What could the ref even do? In any event, Lashley dominates (HIYO) Shane early as is suspected, as I laugh to myself at how much Shane is starting to resemble Mr. Fantastic with his silver wing highlights in his hair. If only he was Mr. Fantastic. I imagine him setting up a "Shane Terminator", never leaving the opposite corner, and just kicking the can when his legs elasticized across the ring. I'm probably the only guy on earth who'd ever think this....

In any event, I could go into tedious detail of what happened here, but you know the story. When it's one on one, Lashley dominates completely, but once the heels isolate him he has to fight to overcome the odds. And that's exactly what happened here. Umaga, Shane & Vince all  worked Lashley over, as like 20 people in the crowd tepidly chanted "Let's go Bobby!". CLEARLY, THEY'RE PIPING IN SILENCE. It's the only way to explain his lack of appeal! Soon after, the crowd begins to split off and we get a dueling chant for both Shane and Bobby. Lashley rallies of course and goes insane, T-boning Shane, press-slamming him and then giving him the shock treatment. The shock part being that a guy with that much upside physically is so void of any and all charisma. Lashley then spears Umaga, powerslams Shane and goes after Vince. Shane breaks that up with a belt shot and Vince tries to cover, but Lashley kicks out. Lashley then rolls up Vince as he complains, but Shane saves. Tag into Umaga who squashes Lashley with a top rope splash, but Vince insists on getting the tag, and does, and makes the cover and wins the title? Jesus. I'd say something about being outraged that Vince is further desecrating the memory of the real ECW, but hey, at this point, that's like complaining that someone vandalized the gravesite after they just got done having sex with the dead body....

Winner & NEW Champion:Vince McMahon w/ Umaga & Shane McMahon. Lashley is no longer The Face of ECW!... A "face" that apparently won't see puberty for at least 6 more years, but the face nonetheless. What a shame. We Loved Bobby.


-Judgment Day comes to PPV next month! And hey, knowing how WWE operates, Orton will probably headline that motherfucker, too. Poor Judgment Day? Sounds about right.

-Backstage, Vince celebrates his "win" and mocks the ECW Originals. I think I just heard RVD buy a one-way ticket to Orlando. Seriously though, Vince has now won two World Championships, and has wins over The Rock, Stone Cold, HHH, HBK, The Undertaker  and GOD...but not Hulk Hogan. Who's the smartest man in wrestling again? Hogan trumped GOD. Think about that....

-Video package for Undertaker vs. Batista, but since we've all seen it all anyway, you get....

BLINDTISTA! You just knew I had to do something stupid with this picture. HE WALKS (WITH THE AIDE OF A GUIDE DOG) ALONE! YEAHHHHHHH!

(C) The Undertaker vs. Batista: Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

You know, out of all the matches Batista could have challenged Undertaker to, it would have to be a "Last Man Standing Match". Hasn't this guy ever watched an Undertaker a match in his life? 'Cause, you know, last time I checked, Undertaker has kind of spent the last two decades making his living not only surviving, but getting up from some of the most unbelievable bullshit ever. YA, THIS'LL BE THE TIME SOMEONE KEEPS HIM DOWN. Just like the next uncoordinated fat ass or lummox who attacks him will "Manhandle him like no one else we've ever seen". Just pack it in, Dave. Save yourself the trouble. Or maybe challenge his ass to a casket match and give about 12 friends a call.  At least that one actually works....

Anyway, I might be in the minority here, but I've actually enjoyed these two men's rivalry. Although, if I was booking, I'd just have Undertaker's issues with Dave stem from becoming angry and curmudgeonly in his old age. I mean, Old people just hate it when Animals wander into their "Yards". It's just natural. *Ahem*. Seriously though, I even enjoyed Undertaker's comical threat that he will and I quote "Take Batista's Soul". So, ya, from this point forward, no matter how hard Big Dave tries, he'll no longer have rhythm when he dances. Oh wait, he meant, umm, never mind.

The match is underway, and surprise, surprise, Undertaker is being cheered and Batista booed. Come on people! Don't judge Batista until you've walked a mile through a pit of danger in his shoes. Haha, one of these days I'll actually get to reviewing this actual match. One of these days. Anyway, both men take it each other with the heavy offense early. Batista takes down taker first with a powerslam, but Taker is up at 6. Good luck, there, Dave. This dude hasn't been as his back for more than 2 seconds in the last 4 years. Which ironically enough must have made trying to sire children with his wife Sara difficult. Every time she'd try and get into missionary position, he'd throw her off after two seconds then sit straight up. What can you do? It's instinct, baby.

It's Dave's turn to take the count soon after, when Taker wears him down, then crushes him as he lay on the apron with a big leg drop. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER. Remind to never buy that brand of wine. IT TASTES LIKE DYING~! Both take a double 8 count next after a superplex by the Deadman. Big clothesline by Dave on Taker also only gets an 8.

Both men spill to the floor, where they begin taking the tables apart.  Batista slams Taker into the barrier. Batista then picks up Taker but Taker slides out and gets a variation of a backbreaker. Batista to his feet from there as Taker grabs the ringsteps. Taker charges and  nails the Animal. This is most cruel Pet euthanasia EVER~! The ref starts his count and Batista is bleeding! Taker places Batista on the cleared ringside table and goes onto the ring barrier. Big leg drop crushes Dave and puts him through the table. The Ref counts but Batista is up at 9. Taker throws him back into the ring from there and squashes him with his charging clotheslines, and then picks him up and dumps him down with snake eyes. Taker then goes for the boot but is met by a SPEAR by Batista. Hey, remember when the spinebuster was the transition move every main eventer used in a match? Well, he was evicted, and the spear took his room..

Taker gets up at 8, but eats, a, boy did I speak too soon, SPINEBUSTER.  Undertaker gets up, his spine not busted apparently at 6, but walks into spinebuster #2! Then #3! The ref counts but Taker is up at 9. Batista picks him up, but Taker quickly grabs Dave's throat and gets a Chokeslam. Both men are down. Taker up first.  Batista is up at 9. Taker then makes the unfortunate mistake of trying to corner mount punch a dude whose finisher is a POWERBOMB. And well, ya. That's what happens, but Taker is up at 9. Batista grabs a chair and nails Taker with it. Batista looks for what appears to be a standard  Batista bomb, but Taker back-body drops out as Dave lands on the very chair he brought into the ring. SWEET IRONY. Taker then plants Dave with a somewhat ugly tombstone but Batista somehow recovers and his up at like 9 and a half. Taker looks on shocked, probably thinking to himself  "who the fuck no sells deadly finishing moves? Who does he think he is? umm, Me?". The two men then begin brawling on the floor, and make their way up to the top of the ramp where Batista spears Taker off the stage and BY GAWD WE GOT PYROTECHNICS. Both men then take a 10 count. DRAW. The crowd doesn't seem to dig that, as I start to think of the two other Last Man Standing matches where dudes are simultaneously knocked out. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? It's times like this I seriously start to doubt the legitimacy of wrestling....

Result: DRAW... but still champion: The Undertaker. My favorite deadman from Texas not named Von Erich. 


-The EMT's are on the scene, but both men are up. I guess this means we'll get a rematch. Then one or the other will probably get fucking Mark Henry after that. Personally, I think Taker & Dave should actually *team up* to take him out for good. Maybe tie two logs to some trees and set a trip wire. After all, that worked on a Predator before. Normally, I'd suggest covering yourself in mud as well, like Arnold did, but knowing Mizark, he'd just mistake it for chocolate and eat one of them...

-Condemned Trailer Again. Steve's only had this much fun punching a woman in the face one other time! Ah, I kid. In any event, according to WWE the Critics are "raving" about this movie. And by "raving" they mean they're all saying "Don't bother wasting your money". I still liked it though. Austin ftw. But hey, since you've already seen enough about the Condemned to last you a lifetime, you get....

John Cena and Edge suffering an unfortunate Supermarket Mishap! And Hell, if Hogan & Savage can spend their entire lives in dew rags and fucking weightlifter's belts, Cena and Edge can wear their wrestling gear shopping. It's true.

Rant Hijack: Hey, what ever happened to the Intercontinental Champion, Santino Marella? It's been two weeks, you'd think they'd have featured his ass by now. Man, you'd think no one in this company gave a shit about the Intercontinental title and it was completely worthless now. Oh.

Seriously though, with the way WWE Creative gets behind, then almost immediately completely forgets about a dude, I fear for his future. Hell, knowing WWE's stereotyping, in six-months the poor bastard will make his entrances and exits by dropping down a huge upright green pipe. Maybe we can convince Bobby Lashley to wear a turtle shell, so Santino can jump in the air and stomp on his head, then kick him across the ring. Then maybe he can work his way up in contention, and try to eventually defeat Cena by jumping over him and grabbing that axe so he falls in lava. Sorry, Santino. But your princess is in another castle. Probably doing a tasteless skit where she has to pretend Vince McMahon is actually attractive, but hey, whatever. Beggars can't be choosers. It could be worse. Super Marella could hear "Sorry Santino, but your career is with another company..."

-Video package for the Fatal four-way. Although, the main story here is the fact that Shawn Michaels CLEANLY PINNED John Cena. Perhaps England is Super Cena's "Kryptonite"? If I was HBK, I'd have grabbed some rocks before boarding the plane, and at some point between now and the show, I'd have placed it around Cena's neck on a chain and tossed him into a pool. IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GETTING THE BELT OFF HIS ASS ANYTIME SOON. Well, until Cena falls in love with a woman, and flies back to his Fortress of Solitude (Fort Bragg of Solitude?) and steps into that chamber that takes away all your powers (and all 5 of his moves). Until then, it looks we're stuck with Super Cena on top. But maybe that's for the best. With all the problems WWE's been having with planes lately, it's good to know that if something goes wrong, Cena can just fly out there and grab it by the wing and safely guide it into a proper landing! And now that I've once again hijacked the show with my stupidity we can move on....

(C) John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. The man who "killed the legend" of the Holiday Inn, Randy Orton: Fatal Four-way for WWE Championship.

OK. before we get into the match, I guess the *real story* going into this one is one Randall Orton allegedly causing some 50,000 dollars worth of damage in a Hotel Room. At first, I immediately debunked the theory that Orton was capable of such wanton destruction, but only because I imagined he'd have to release the tedious extended chinlock he'd likely have the suite's lamps in, to actually commit the acts he's accused of. And based on the molasses like pace Orton usually works at, I'd imagine the authorities would arrive well before he'd EVER have a chance to say throw a dropkick, or RKO the mini fridge (after completely missing it the first time, then immediately having to redo the spot.). The only other plausible scenario is courtesy of our own Joe Merrick. You see, Orton made the unenviable mistake of asking BATISTA to come over and help tidy things up. But when he got up on the Animal's shoulders to reach a light-bulb that needed changing, well, Batista just instinctually dropped him backwards and he crashed through all the furniture. And why not? It's happened before! Ya.

But seriously, for anyone else on earth, they'd currently be reading the want ads or in some cases starting "chain gang" of their own (the kind with 300 pound black guys named Bubba), but apparently Orton is just GETTING A FINE. Oh no~! NOT A FINE. It's hilarious to me that Rhino gores a vase (perhaps from the Ming Dynasty?...not to be confused with Haku's dominance on Monday Nitro) and gets shit-canned; while RVD gets pulled over with pot, stripped of his title and suspended, but Orton, who's been suspended two other times for poor behavior, gets a main event spot, and a PPV payoff. It's an ECW conspiracy~! EC-Double standard? But hey, it's to be expected. If history has taught us anything, it's that you can act as fucking stupid as you want while in Europe, and you'll get a push and even a World Title out of it. Man, clearly, by this precedent, Carlito's best shot to escape the proverbial dog house is to do a flipping senton over the fence in Buckingham palace and take out as many members of the Royal Family as possible. He'll have the belt by Summer Slam!

All four men stare each other down, and trash talk, so Cena and HBK attack Orton & Edge. They clear the ring and HBK sucker punches Cena. Come on, Shawn! WWJD? HBK hits some chops, but Cena quickly rallies and gets a fisherman's suplex. That's why I gave up fishing. I got tired of all the suplexes. Soon after, HBK hits a neckbreaker, but here comes Edge, materialized out of thin air (probably the same portal used to quickly dispose of Tazz & Styles after the ECW title match) and he tosses out Cena to the floor. And since there's more than two dudes in this match, that means it hurts MUCH more, and he'll be out  for a LONG time.

Orton back in now, and he and Edge go at it.  Dropkick by Orton to Edge which sends him to the floor. Cena, now awake, and by god SHATTERING MULTIPLE MAN MATCH STEREOTYPES, tosses Edge back in as HBK puts Orton out.

With Orton, Cena and Edge all fighting on the floor, HBK goes up and likely says "OK, one of you green motherfuckers better catch my ass" and takes all 3 out with a moonsault. Back inside now, and Cena crushes HBK with the top rope fame asser and covers for 2. Soon after, Cena is disposed of, and Rated RKO put aside their differences and double team HBK. Double back body drop by Edge and Orton to HBK from there, followed by a double Boston Crab. Michaels tries to fight to the ropes but RKO pull him back into the middle. Cena makes the save  though, with a double throwback neckbreaker to both men. Cena then clotheslines both Rated RKO members and knocks HBK down, before giving Edge the Protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Clearly, more moves need to be euphemisms for masturbating. That's all this sport needs to debunk those "wrestling is gay" criticisms. HBK and Orton then pull Cena out to the floor, and HBK turns his attention to Orton, whom gets slammed into the post, then placed on the ECW announce table. HBK, the only dude without the last name, umm, Taker, allowed to use a piledriver climbs up and tries to execute that very hold on Orton, but Edge saves with a chair shot, but then immediately gives Orton one as well, as I picture the concierge at the Hotel Orton stayed at high-fiving the bus-boy.

Edge then stalks Cena back in the ring with the chair, but he gets drop toeheld into the STFU. I love how Cena just lies there completely frozen. This doesn't bode too well for his girlfriends. Of course, knowing WWE, right after he gets done "pleasuring them" someone on payroll immediately tells the woman that it was the best sex she's ever had until she believes its credibility....

Anyway, Edge desperately fights for and gets the ropes. Orton tries to run in next but he, like Edge gets dropped into the STFU. Michaels then tries to steal a fall on Cena after countering out of an attempted STFU on him, but Cena kicks out. HBK is on full offense from here. Flying forearm. Kip up, and inverted atomic drop for Edge. One for Orton. One for Cena. He then dumps Orton & Edge out, and hits the elbow on Cena. He tunes up the band, which I can only assume specializes in Christian folk rock, but here comes Edge with the spear, or what more closely resembles  THE FLYING HUG OF DEATH. Family get-togethers must be terrifying at the Copeland house. Anyway, HBK steers clear, and takes Edge down and hits him with a top rope elbow. HBK then slams Orton, and goes up AGAIN, presumably for another big elbow, but he's caught by Cena who gets him up on the shoulders, while standing on the 2nd ropes, and as he has him, here comes both Edge and Orton to toss both men down in the old TNA Tower of Doom spot, only with an FU. Awesome stuff.

Everyone is down now, Cena is up, and goes for an FU on Edge, but Edge slips out. At the same time, Orton gets a quick RKO on HBK, but  Cena breaks up the pin. Edge hits a sudden Edgecution DDT on Cena but he also kicks out.  Edge looks for a spear again, but Cena moves, and Orton eats it. Cena then gets the FU on Edge. But turns around into the chin music by HBK, but Cena actually falls on top of Orton and gets the pin as HBK was too exhausted to stop the cover. Great match. Cool finish.

Winner & Still Champion: John Cena. Well, I'd say I was surprised at the result here, but I think there was a better chance of fucking Ben Affleck catching all the bombs in the movie Pearl Harbor with his bare hands than Randy Orton escaping this one without doing the job.


-After the match, Cena celebrates as HBK chews him out. Buddy Christ Spinner will unfortunately have to wait for another day , I'm afraid. That's too bad.

End show.

FINAL THOUGHTS: How does "she" have the nerve to sell sea shells by the sea shore, when any asshole there can just pick them out of the water for free?

Seriously though, good show from top to bottom.  I don't know how great I feel about Vince being ECW World Champion (you'd think after how poorly non-wrestlers winning World titles has gone over before, that Vince would have learned his lesson) but at least the belt is off of Lashley. I thought FOR SURE both Cena and Lashley would have held on to the belts until the time in which Vince perfects that device that saw Jeff Goldblum splice his genetics with that of a house fly. From there, he'd throw both Cena AND Lashley into the device to create one ultimate hosstacular hybrid that'll electrify children & women the world over! (although not literally in the way I'd prefer. ).  And although "Bob Cena" would  still only have about ten moves, and unfortunately still not be considered anywhere close to black (despite what he thinks), Vince would LOVE him, and well, that's all that matters.

You Can't See Him!...until he smiles. (Just kidding.).

Thumbs of Full Uppery here.

I'm Sean.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).