Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE Backlash 2005

by Sean Carless

May 1, 2005


Tonight's show comes to us from Manchester New Hampshire. Home of... something, I'm sure.

Anyhoo, despite Batista/HHH being *technically* on top, I think we all know what WWE was really pinning all their hopes on here. A certain blond haired WWF ICON pulling in stray buyrates. A man who has electrified WWF/E audiences for YEARS. And a man whom tonight, we can FINALLY see make his long awaited return to in-ring WWF PPV action!: ...VISCERA! ...Hey, what?

Onto the show...

(C) Shelton Benjamin  vs. Chris Jericho; For The Intercontinental Title.

J.R. puts over Y2J as a 7 time Intercontinental Champion, even though all 7 of Jericho's Title reigns combined about equal the length of Shelton's one. But hey, whatever.

The crowd is a little silent at first, but Shelton & Jericho bring them back to life with a pretty amazing match. Move of the night sees Shelton literally run and leap like Spiderman from the mat, and quickly superplex Jericho, who was sitting on the top rope, all in one fluid motion. It really has to be seen to be believed.  More back and forth, and Shelton rallies and ends up hitting the somewhat racially insensitive "T-Bone suplex" for two. I mean, what's next, the rack o' rib breaker? The crossface fried chicken-wing? Ok, I have nothing.  Anyway, Jericho escapes the three by getting his foot on the ropes. The match continues, and Jericho quickly snares Shelton in the Walls, but he gets the rope break, which draws the ire of the crowd who are behind Jericho here. Shelton then goes for his twirling crescent kick, but Jericho ducks and looks for a Lionsault, but lands on his feet when he telegraphs Shelton getting the knees up, and grabs the legs for another Walls of Jericho attempt; however, Shelton rolls through, but Jericho counters, but is re-countered by Shelton into a forward roll, as Shelton gets the three count to retain the title. AWESOME match.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin. There ain't no stopping him now. Unfortunately, the same can be said for his horrid theme song. Dear Lord.

/5

-Backstage, we see Mr. "soon to only have half his money in the bank" (well, if the wife he cheated on with Lita has her way). Edge says he'll be the last man standing tonight. Droz vigorously disagrees and puts money on himself. Haha, I kid.

Tag Team Turmoil Match; A.K.A. "Holy Shit, We actually have FIVE tag teams?" match: (C) William Regal & Tajiri  vs. The Heart Throbs vs. Simon Dean & Maven vs. La Resistance vs. The Hurricane & Rosey;

Regal & Tajiri , the defending champions, start things off with The Heart Throbs, who are actually a lot like two individual Billy Gunns, which I think is actually the first sign of the Apocalypse. That or the moon turning to blood. Can't quite remember. Anyway, the two teams go at it for a few minutes until Tajiri pins Antonio(?) with a sunset flip out of the corner.

Up next are Simon Dean & Maven. Maven is apparently on the Simon System, if you believe JR. Actually, come to think of it, his eyebrows do look a good 8-10 pounds lighter, so I could be wrong. Anyway, because this is a gauntlet match, everything is pretty rushed, and Simon gets pinned after a running knee to the face by Regal (U.K.O?).

Up next is La Resistance, but that can't be! I watched Heat like two weeks ago and they got their last ever Tag team Title shot! It's almost as if WWE ignored that stipulation because no one gives two shits about Heat. Couldn't be, though. Anyway, Since these teams have up until this point wrestled each other by default for the last 8 months, they knew each other pretty well. It still doesn't stop Grenier from blowing more spots than Lita does Luchadors, though. Anyway, Regal looks to have Conway in the Regal stretch, but Greiner is in for the save. Tajiri and Grenier then spill to the floor and Conway rolls up Regal and grabs the trunks almost exposing Regal's...umm, blackpool? I don't know. All I do know is that the champions are eliminated, and I shudder at the thought that La Rez might get the belts back for the millionth time (They're fast approaching Smokin' Gunns, "we're the only real team left" champions by default.) The Super Heroes are the 5th and final tag team left, and by virtue of the champion’s elimination, whomever gets the next fall here will be the new Tag champions. Strange booking.

Anyway, Hurricane comes in all "house o' fire" but since he's kinda tiny it might be a bungalow o' fire, I'm not sure. He hits a huge flying crossbody, Overcast (blockbuster) and generally kicks the Frenchies asses. Grenier than counters a Hurricane charge by awkwardly back-dropping him to the floor and Hurricane takes a scary spill. Back inside, La Rez double team Rosey and try to finish him with the Au Revoir, but he counters, and tags in Hurricane, who climbs on his shoulders while Rosey sits in the corner and crushes Conway with a huge superfly splash to win the match- and the titles!

Winners and new champions: Hurricane & Rosey. Holy shit. I figured when Rosey gave Triple H a stinger a few weeks ago he'd be done for; but now here he is, a tag team champion. Apparently in the WWE, it's bizarro world, and whenever you fuck up they reward you. (see JBL in Germany, Edge & Lita's "push", etc.). Hey, maybe Jericho should just go get himself a 9mm and plug HHH in the stomach? Then at least by WWE logic he might finally get an extended world title run…

 /5

Last Man Standing Match: Edge vs. Chris Benoit.

Crowd gets all over Edge right out of the gate with the "You screwed Matt" chants. But maybe they didn't really chant that... after all, the Internet has no influence at all...[/sarcasm]

It's really a shame these two guys can't put their differences aside. After all they do have A LOT in common. You know, they're both Canadian. They were Tag Team Champions together. They share a mutual interest in stealing other guys wives....  Anyway, this was, in my ever-so-humble-opinion, the match of the night. And OH~! before I forget, This is the one year Anniversary of Chris Benoit Day. And I hope you heathens remembered to celebrate. I myself, chose to commemorate the day by hard way headbutting my grandmother, a blowing a snot bubble on my little sister. You know, the traditions.

...Despite all the horse-hockey going on in his *real life*, Edge has managed to really churn out the good shit this year, and Benoit can ALWAYS be counted on for a great match, and this was no exception. Benoit takes control early, and gets a quick sharpshooter, in which Edge taps (not Lita's ass) but submissions don't count.  Benoit releases the hold and hits the Germans. One German. Two Germans. Three Germans. Four Germans. Five Germans. Man, there must be a Hasselhoff concert in town, 'cause that's a lot of Germans (Badum cha). Anyway, Edge rolls to the floor and takes an eight count before staggering to his feet. Benoit then tries to dive through the ropes, but Edge smashes him in the face with a trash can lid (Edge had pulled out a garbage can earlier.) Benoit is up before ten, though. Back inside, both battle it out, until Edge superplexes Benoit...back first onto the aforementioned trash can! Great spot. Still though, Benoit is up. Edge then grabs a ladder from under the ring but Benoit catches Edge in mid climb, and hits a HUGE German (not this guy.™ James Walker) off the ladder~!  Chris Benoit IS for real! (and not just a figment of your imagination!) Anyway, Benoit then climbs the ladder himself while Edge is down- but MISSES the diving headbutt. Edge tries to finish Benoit who seems ripe for the pickings, but he counters into the crossface. Edge taps again. Benoit then attempts more Germans, but Edge counters that and hits the Edgecution (DDT) on the Brief case. Still though, Benoit is up again. Spear by Edge. Same result. ANOTHER spear. Benoit up at "9". Edge then gets desperate, opens his briefcase and pulls out a brick and clobbers Benoit with a good old fashioned Greco-Roman brick shot and that FINALLY ends the match. AWESOME shit. Give this man the belt. Or Benoit.

Winner: Edge! The only man in this company still allowed to be from Canada! Edge is a proud Canadian! He loves the beaver! But only when it belongs to his best friend...

 /5

-We see Lita and Kane backstage and they go over their plan for Trish. They then start making out. I'd warn Kane about Lita's "rep", but I forgot this is a dude who doesn't mind having a burning sensation, so it's all good.

-Obligatory useless Diva filler time! The King is in the ring, as is the Divas. They plug the Divas swimsuit magazine and King interviews the ladies, showing a clip of each in a swimsuit from the mag. Lawler says he saw a whole new side to Christy Hemme in the magazine. Dude, unless she has a second vagina I'm not aware of, I'm pretty sure anyone who owns a Playboy has seen EVERY side to Christie. Why should I care? (I'll still masturbate to it though.).

Anyway, the misery is thankfully interrupted by Chris Masters, and the Divas take off. Chris is here to host yet another super exciting not-at-all waste of time Masterlock challenge, and will put up three grand of his money to anyone who can break it. He then says that this money could buy you a new car and put your kids through college!  New car and college for 3 grand?Apparently Masters spent his formidable years in Soviet Russia. Who knew? Anyway, we get a taker, Melissa Coates, whom is apparently a female bodybuilder, and an OVW talent. She also has a bigger Adam's apple then me. Weird. Masters accepts her challenge then crushes her with the Masterlock. JR says it's not right, forgetting that Melissa probably has bigger penis than he does. (No offense, but after that One night in China debacle, I'm not taking ANY chances anymore on "female bodybuilders.").

-Backstage, Viscera is waiting for Trish. He tells her that after tonight he'll take her to a "Bed and Breakfast." Somehow I doubt it will be in that order though.

"Sexual Chutney" Viscera w/Trish vs. Kane w/ Lita.

Gotta love Big Vis's Count Blacula cape and entrance. I don't know if he's supposed to be a vampire or what, but if  that's the case, I think he's sucking the contents of their stomachs in addition to their blood. Seriously.

Anyway, you'd think this would be a train-wreck and umm, you'd be right about that. But it really wasn't as terrible as it COULD have been. A couple of funny spots see Vis stop punishing Kane for a moment, just so he can pump his hips at Trish. Great and really disturbing stuff. I'd try that right now, but I don't think my mom would appreciate it. Anyway, while on the floor, Trish tries to blindside Kane with a chair, but Lita hits it with a crutch which then makes the chair strike Trish in the head. The crowd boos this 'cause Lita's a whore and they hate her. Back in the ring, Kane survives the old A-Train Derailer by Vis, and comes back with  the chokeslam of extreme suspended disbelief to collect the pin.

After the match, Trish berates Viscera, stating that she'll find a "real man" to take care of business for her (Wait, Viscera is a Cyborg? [/Bacon]) and even if Vis had crushed Kane like she wanted, she'd never put out for him; she then calls him a Chicken-Eating Loser (The first rejected name for the KFC franchise, I heard). Anyway, I'm sure a comment like this would normally upset the black community somewhat, you know, if they weren't all nailing women who looked like Trish anyway. See how easy it is to make broad racial stereotypes!

Anyway, Vis takes offense to all this, and does what any man would do in this situation... he lays her down and delivers a big splash. It's clearly the best way to end a relationship if you ask me. The only trouble is getting them to lay down on the ground long enough so you can jump on them. :)

Winner: Kane.

  /5

Hulk Hogan & HBK, A.K.A. The God Squad (Big Man upstairs & Jesus, respectively) vs. Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari;

The crowd pops HUGE for Hulk Hogan here, eating up all his shtick, including the shirt rip (A trick he should have passed onto the Divas earlier, if only to at least make their segments bearable).

Hulk starts with Hassan, and dominates Hassan like it was 1984 again, and he was just a  stereotypical foreign heel. Hey wait. HBK tags in soon after, and the heels turn the tide.  Match is really just paint by numbers because of Hogan's physical limitations, but still, Just amazing heat in this one; which as we've seen in the past with Hulk can make ALL the difference.

Anyway, Michaels gets the advantage eventually, hitting Daivari with the top-rope elbow and tuning up the band, but Hassan clubs him from behind with a weapon of medium destruction (a lead pipe) and Daivari covers but only gets two. Hassan in now, and applies the camel clutch, but Michaels somehow counters that and picks Hassan up on his shoulders and delivers an Electric chair drop. I always wondered how much validity there was to this hold, and was sadly disappointed to hear all Arabs don't have the inherent skill to wrangle camels into submission with their bare hands. What a gyp.

Anyhoo, Hot tag to that stark ravin' Hulkster, dude, and he clears house, or Mosque as it were, and looks to finish Daivari but he gets the pipe too. But, if you've ever seen a Hogan match, you know what happens next (bruther). Huge kick out, Hulk up, and the complete annihilation of Daivari. Muhaamad grabs Hogan's ankle to prevent a leg drop (a move Hulk can't physically do right now), so Michaels hits Daivari with some chin music and Hulk simply covers for the win. (Bruther).

After the match, HBK and Hogan pose, and Hulk calls a retard into the ring (seriously) and they all pose together, probably to make up for slighting the retard community at Wrestlemania when he forgot all about poor Eugene after he "saved" him....

Winners: Hogan, HBK, and random retard.

 /5

-We get our first look at the ECW "One Night Stand" PPV vignette. Don't forget to wear a condom, you don't know where half those guys have been.

-We see HHH backstage sporting a 9.5. Lemmy beard. He is so confident that the pedigree is the answer to all his woes that he's stopped fucking the boss's daughter. Just kidding, he's still fucking her.

-Christian & Tyson Tomko come out. Christian says that this may be the last time you see him on a RAW pay-per-view because of the draft. He then "raps" on everyone from Batista to HHH to JBL to John Cena, who he says talks like Snoop Dogg but looks like Corey Haim.  Who are you to judge the Coreys? Anyway, clearly, they're building to a Christian/Cena confrontation here. But hopefully, Christian doesn't use a rap persona.  I mean, imagine a white guy from a completely whitebread hometown being packaged as a street thug? Who'd buy that? Oh wait....

HHH w/ Ric Flair and NUCLEAR PEDIGREE vs. Batista for The World Heavyweight Championship.

This whole match is built around as HHH puts it "what Batista fears most". What's that, a random blood test? Ah, I keed. Anyway, JR says that in his opinion the "World Heavyweight Title" is the most prestigious title in wrestling today. Clearly, its lineage speaks for itself. Flair. Steamboat. Arquette...

The crowd seems a little burned out here, and rightfully so. You'd think after Wrestlemania X8 that Trips would learn to not try and follow Hulk Hogan. Anyway, the story in this one is simple. The pedigree is like the best and most devastating move in the EVAR!!!!1111 and possesses the ability to level a complete city. (ask Booker T., who I think just woke up from his one from WM 19).

Anyway, good psychology early as Trips tries the pedigree on several occasions, but DAVE escapes. Batista then returns the favor by going for an early demon-bomb but HHH escapes that, as DAVE teases him with the "this close" hand gesture.  That, or he was telling HHH he has a very small penis, which considering all the steroids he's done, just might be the case. Anyway, both men spill to the floor and DAVE gets back body dropped on the outside and takes a scary spill into the crowd after HHH rammed him back first into the barricade. To DAVE's credit, he sold the back extremely well, and never really let up.

Back inside, we eventually get the inevitable HHH ref bump spot and Trips hits the pedigree which kills Dave dead. HHH covers but there's no one to make the count; well, until Jack Doan runs to the ring pulling on the pinstripe jersey as he's running, you know, just in case you didn’t realize this strange little man running to the ring was indeed a referee. By the time Doan gets to the ring to make a count though, DAVE has recovered enough from the atomic like power of the dreaded pedigree to quickly spinebuster HHH for a close 2 count. Triple H soon recovers himself, and hits the knee breaker, and that only gets two. Batista regains the advantage with a series of clotheslines in the corner, and looks to finish, but Trips ends that by kicking Jack Doan in the balls. HHH looks for pedigree number two after that, but DAVE gets the slingshot into the corner and looks for the Demon-bomb. However, HHH counters that with a nut shot. Man is this thing over-booked. Triple H then gets DAVE in the corner, and goes up for the corner punches, but Batista quickly grabs him and delivers a modified Demon-bomb from the corner as the original referee makes the 3 count.

Winner and still Champion: Batista.

After the match, HHH goes berserk and shoves Ric Flair down, and pedigrees the Referee. The arena then collapses upon itself after suffering the Earth shattering effects of that many pedigrees. Everyone is killed. No more RAW brand. End show.

/5

Final Thoughts: I enjoyed this show. No one went over that shouldn't have, and there really wasn't anything abysmal.

Anyway, obviously, the painfully long HHH visual cover of Batista while the ref was out will constitute YET ANOTHER rematch, but in my opinion, it should just end. At least for now. They have a pretty good window right now to get HHH off TV for now with his whole "pedigree of the referee" spot at the end. Do a suspension angle, let HHH refresh his character, and let DAVE have someone else to focus on. But for now, it should be over. Of course, this is likely the complete opposite of what they'll do. Tomorrow night, HHH will likely open the show AGAIN, and show the footage of the deadly pedigree on DAVE and demand "One-uh More-uh match-uh." Probably in the Hell in the Cell, as is currently being speculated online. Meh.

But still, though, Thumbs up.

I'm Sean.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).