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WWE Armageddon 2008

by Anthony Dean

December 14, 2008

Armageddon. The very word strikes fear into the hearts of people who are scared of words that imply negative things. But fear not, my literaphobic comrades, for tonight we get to see a truly amazing ENTERTAINER overcome immeasurable odds to finally stand tall, and it's not John Cena or anything! Well, him too, but this other thing makes that worth it. I hope my subtle foreshadowing has increased your interest in tonight's festivities.

First off, however, we are subjected to not-so-festive tivities. It's Matt Hardy carrying an incapable big guy again, and bear with me here as we plow through this shit one more time.

ECW Champion vs Vladimir Kozlov, Nontitle Match

It's nontitle because Matt is going to get his ass hammered and sickled, you see. This is Vladimir's second match on Pay Per View, and if he can somehow squeak out a presentable showing here, then it just may not be his last. Then again, considering Mark Henry's Pay Per View match quality track record, if he puts on another shitfest, we'll be sure to see plenty of him for the next twelve or so years, sometimes in main events even. Speaking of which, or whom, or whatever, or whomever, Mark Henry is on later tonight, too. This show is really not living up to the hype I promised earlier.

Anyway, the story behind this match is that Matt cost Vladimir his victory in the BEAT THE CLOCK CHALLENGE, so instead of him challenging for the WWE Title tonight, he's stuck fighting Matt fucking Hardy again. I'd be pissed off, too. The announcers scramble to continue to tout Kozlov as being undefeated because he wasn't the one pinned in his Triple Threat Match at Survivor Series. Not that that matters anyway, as history has shown undefeated streaks don't take into account Survivor Series losses anyway, right Bobby Lashley? He'd say "right" if he was still employed. Anyway, Kozlov basically dominates Matt, with Matt allowed minimal offense to appease the perennial USA-USA chanters at wrestling shows. I don't know what the fuck Sambo is, but Kozlov does have a unique fighting style, like, say, using his head as a fist. It's really innovative and not at all ridiculous and unbelievable, just like the X Division, which is ironic, because that's probably who Kozlov will be squashing in two, three years tops. Har dy manages a couple of rollups for two, but Vlad the Failure just shrugs him off and sends Matt's head into the steel ringpost. Good isolating of a vital body part here, as the head is Matt's fifth most-used appendage. He clearly doesn't know Sambo. Kozlov turns his attention to a slightly more frequently used body part in Hardy's arm, working it over with an armbar thing, I don't know. Hardy escapes only to get DDT'd right the fuck down and locked back in the hold. He eventually reaches the ropes and mount s a comeback of Matt Hardy proportions ; namely, low offensive aerial maneuvers and then the Side Effect. Twist of Fate attempt follows but Kozlov blocks that. Second rope elbow shot but Kozlov HEADS that off! Ha! Okay. Like Jake Roberts, everyone's just kind of waiting for Matt Hardy to die at this point, and after a headshot into the turnbuckle and a generic finisher slam, he finally does.

Winner and STILL pretty undefeated : Kozlov

We go to the back with Edge and Vickie kissy kissying on a couch. Edge says that Matt got what was coming to him for daring to accuse them of being responsible for the attack on Jeff Hardy. He leaves to go prep for his match and Chavo asks Vickie "How did you guys do it?" Vickie looks disgusted, but Chavo means how they took out Jeff Hardy in the hotel stairwell last month. Vickie denies having anything to do with the attack and sends Chavito to go get her coffee. Chavo remains insistent and promises he wou ldn't tell anyone if she did have something to do with it, but Vickie, PERHAPS put off by the camera right in her fucking face, reaffirms there's nothing to tell, but sweetly smiling so you know damn well there is. After being told AGAIN, Chavo's lazy ass finally goes to get her coffee as Vickie looks annoyed. You get what you pay for, Vickie, and if it's less than minimum wage, it's gonna be less than minimum service.

There's a omg txt poll for who YOU think attacked Jeff Hardy - Edge, Triple H, Vladimir Kozlov, or MYSTERIOUS SHADOW PERSON. I seriously doubt he would have anything to do with this, as he's still trapped in 2:23. And now, after that joke literally nobody will get, I'll go ahead and say it's Christian Cage because the WWE fails at subtlty, with Vickie obviously being involved and the announcer's insistence on the possibility of a MYSTERY ATTACKER. I mean it ain't gonna be fucking Rikishi. In the back, still , Hornswoggle is running around with a shilaylay and he hits some Diva in the butt with it. She walks off laughing. Bitch. Doesn't even have enough respect for retarded midgets to treat them like regular people. I always have the decency to slap retarded people when they're acting up in public. Finlay tells Horny he doesn't want him to get hurt tonight and tells him to stay right here. In other words, Finlay feels like losing tonight.

Intercontinental Champion William Regal is ringside on his throne with Layla London, who seems to have completed her transition itno a really tan caucasian woman, for the finals in the Intercontinental Championship Tournament. Rey Mysterio is out first in pink and black, probably just because he likes to flaunt his high status and demand WWE's tailor department exhaust every possible color scheme. Punk is out next with a new shirt that looks exactly like his old ribcage one, except with two giant white tape d up fists instead of bones. Allright, it's a stretch. We get word that Punk and Kofi Kingston lost their tag titles to Miz and Morrison at a house show last night, just in case you thought Rey fucking Mysterio was going to win this. Also, awesome news about the Miz and Morrison title victory. I'm not quite sure how they get to fight whoever they want for whatever titles on whatever show, but hey, as long as they keep the fucking Boogeyman over there on ECW, I'm happy.

CM Punk vs Rey Mysterio, Intercontinental Championship Number One Contender Match

We get a handshake and repeated rollup attempts, because faces don't like to hurt eachother, lest they find out who is more popular. There's some dueling chant going with one guy vs half the crowd a la Super Dragon. I can't understand what he's saying, but the rest of the crowd is shouting "NO!" back at him. Maybe it's "Let's go Rey-Rey!" Just kidding. Punk's fallen equally far. They continue with repeated quick pinning attempts and each tease their finishers early before Punk hurls Rey out of the ring righ t at the feet of Regal. He holds his hands up innocently, so Punk dives out onto Rey, scaring Regal scurrying out of his chair. They both stay down for a bit on the outside as Regal looks on unamused. "Rogues." Back in the ring, Punk scores a nearfall with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker off an Irish whip and follows up with a body scissors before going for a pin with the leg clamp still locked in. The announcers call this tournament an "honor" for both men in a desperate attempt to hide how far each have fallen since their respective embarrassing world title reigns. Rey takes Punk down with a Moonsault off the top for two but Punk comes back soon after with a harsh powerslam for a nearfall of his own. Extended armbar spot, and for such a small guy, Rey sure can't sell for shit. Rey reaches the ropes and comes back with a swinging headscissors which he smoothly transitions into an armbar of his own. Punk outshines Rey tremendously in both the execution and selling of the armbar.

Punk reaches the ropes but Rey soon hits a springboard dropkick to Punk's back, sending him into 619 position. Punk realizes he's fucked and heads outside, but Rey comes off a turnbuckle with a huge crossbody onto Punk on the outside. Back in, seated senton and springboard crossbody score two for Rey. Unnecessarily complicated pinning attempt is reversed by Punk and they're both back up for an exchange of kicks. Pepsi One misses a first time but connects on the second try. Punk goes for the pin, apparently mistaking the ref for Wes Adams. Upon failing to pick up the win here, Punk tries for a GTS but Mysterio reverses with another ridiculous "swashbuckling" rollup. Michael Cole must miss Pirate Paul Burchill more than I do. Punk escapes the 619 and goes for the GTS but Rey fights out and sets up for, and connects with, the 619. Followup frogsplash misses to a huge CM Punk chant as Rey rolls him up for yet another nearfall. Both men back up and Rey tries for another SWASHBUCKLING maneuver, jumping onto Punk's shoulders, but Punk just drills his ass with the GTS for the win.

Winner : CM Punk

Post-match closeups reveal both men's noses are bloodied. Regal honors Punk with a standing ovation as Punk checks on Rey. Upon seeing Rey is only suffering from a bloodied, possibly broken nose, Punk leaves him and poses for the crowd.

Royal Rumble ad. If Jeff Hardy doesn't win it, fucking Kizarny has a shot. Speaking of which, Hardy is in a pitch black room with glow in the dark paint on his face to give a promo. He says he will prove the naysayers wrong, that he's not just a screwup, there's something human in him that will freak us out. A baby? Shout out to the Imagi-Nation and he says tonight he'll become the "WWE Tchhaaaampion!" I would love to see Jeff as WWE Champ, and I couldn't give a shit about anyone's sexual orientation, BUT, he sounds like such a huge fucking faggot that I simply can't take him seriously. He should do Christian Bale's Batman voice at this point. Oh yeah, he even got the green paint on his fucking teeth.

JBL-Michaels feud recap, which I will now recap. JBL is bragging about how he invested wisely in the stock market while HBK lost everything, even though like two months ago he was pissed off because he claimed he was broke because of Washington allowing the economy to go to hell, and then blamed Batista for it because he's billed from there and holds a public office in charge of making decisions that directly affect the health of the economy, I suppose. See, I remember this stuff, and I like to point it out , loudly. So apparently this feud is based on Michaels accepting a job offer from JBL, even handing over his Slammy to him, because the B in HBK now stands for "broke", and the H and the K stand for things that would make sense given that the B stands for "broke" to imply he has no money. I'm tired. So HBK accepted this job...even though he already has a job with a huge salary in the fucking WWE. You know, where we see him every week. This is the most ill-conceived feud since, well, that JBL-Batista one I m entioned earlier. But I mean, whose going to get behind an obscenely paid famous athlete possibly losing some of his retirement savings in the stock market? I know my dad's friends at the auto plant can sure relate to that!

Shawn's new boss is out now to introduce us to his newest employee. Michaels enters in borderline homeless attire and says the economy's hit him hard and he's in a tough spot. He addresses all the points I've made about his wealth and says that he's actually completely flat broke. Because he doesn't know how many years he has left in the WWE, and because he's got a family to support, he took JBL up on his offer. He doesn't want to become "one of those guys," pro wrestlers bagging groceries or wrestling in h igh school gyms. He forgot "making garlic bread." He says he'll accept being called a sellout, which leads the previously completely supportive crowd to chant YOU SOLD OUT. JBL steps forward to shake his hand and Michaels obliges to huge boobs. Boos. I said boos. I'm sorry, I know it's not polite to stare, but with JBL in the ring I just cant help it. Moving on.

IN THE BACK NOW with a woman preparing to interview Randy Orton. Cody Rhodes and Manu enter to conduct Orton's interview for him. Rhodes says that Orton was the crown jewel of Evolution while Batista was merely "hired muscle" as Manu shifts his weight uneasily. Rhodes basically says Batista's shit and Orton is Christ. Manu then steps forward and proclaims that Orton will expose Batista for the fraud he is. Then everyone leaves without Orton saying a word. I know Orton's not a great promo, but when you've go t fucking Manu talking for you, you know there's something wrong. We then cut to ringside where some dopey sports team is jumping on eachother and yelling unintelligibly at the camera and woo-hooing. When I see stuff like that I sure feel a hell of a lot better about myself. It makes me think, wrestling really isn't that fucking bad. And then Ric Flair exposes himself to an airline attendant.

Mark Henry is out now about to split Finlay's wig in a Belfast Brawl match. He is the WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN...because all the other, more successful guys in the '96 Olympics have since died from heart attacks and no one in any successive Olympics have beaten his, um, "record", I suppose. Finlay is out next and the camera closes in on a hilariously shitty sign. It's a bright green poster board with a cloverleaf drawn on in Sharpie with TEAM FINLAY written across it. It's a three leaf clover and everything. Jesus Christ, fail.

Finlay vs Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas, BELFAST BRAWL

Finlay gets chucked out of the ring at the bell, but droptoeholds Henry into the announcer table when THE BIG MAN follows him out. They whip eachother around ringside before Finlay, standing precariously on the apron and looking confused, is eventually knocked to the floor by Henry. Back in the ring, Henry misses a splash and Finlay digs under the ring, throwing weapons in for Henry to prepare to use upon his return. Tony stands by uselessly as Finlay continues to build up an arsenal even though his interfe rence is allowed in this match. He eventually comes up with a weak trash can shot to Finlay's ass, so Finlay boots him over and Tony Atlas appears to die. Back in Henry immediatley dominates Finlay with all the weapons he so graciously gave him. Henry sets Finlay up into 619 position before jumping on his neck and oozing out of the ring through the ropes into a standing position. Tard calls Henry "agile" with presumably a straight face. Henry continues the agile offense with headbutts until Finlay makes a c omeback, beating Henry's ass with sticks and unforgiving aluminum trashcans. I guess it beats the Rubbermaid ones they use in TNA, but still.

Henry shakes all this off because he's big and strong, you see, and goes for a Banzai Drop that of course misses because it's 2008 and going for that move is pretty much like teasing a piledriver at this point. He does however land a boot to the face of a charging Finlay and breaks the shilaylay over his knee. Finlay officially has no hope of winning now. He breaks a kendo stick over his knee as Striker says "PANDA BEARS CAN'T BREAK BAMBOO BUT HENRY JUST DID." I'd dwell on the utter retardation of this stat ement since, you know, panda bears fucking EAT bamboo, but I recall Cole informing us in various Punjabi Prison matches that the bamboo used in the WWE is made of SOLID STEEL and therefore I will let the statement go by with no mocking other than this entire sentence. Also, Hornswoggle showed up, but he got knocked off and ran under the ring, hopefully for good. Surely they wouldn't let a Pay Per View match end the exact same way that literally all of Finlay's matches have ended on free tv in the past year and a half have. Surely. Striker then claims the steel steps that Mark Henry is now wielding as weighing "413" pounds. It's an exact number so you know it must be true. Anyway, Finlay stops Henry with a dropkick to his knee and he falls over as the 413 pound steps go flying from his hands across the ring. Enter Hornswoggle, who slides Finlay a shilaylay. One shot later and Finlay seals it, like he always will, forever.

Winner : Finlay

Tribute to the Troops ad. I admit it's pretty cool what they do, going out there to put on a show every year, but I mean, they could just send over a couple gangbangable Divas for about a week and it'd mean just as much, if not more.

In the back now are various gangbangable divas decorating a Christmas tree. Santa Haas shows up. What the. He has brought them presents and motions over to a large stack of presents that have been right next to them the entire time. They react with giddy surprise and rush to unwrap them as Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix show up to gloat on her winning the Diva of the Year Slammy. Santino then goes to unwrap a giant present. It contains The Boogeyman, who st ands up as smoke pours out of the box. He says he's coming to getcha, so Santino shrieks and runs away, but Goldust appears to block his path. He starts singing a Christmas carol, so Santino screams again and runs the opposite way. Goldust and Boogeyman then stare down before singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" together. Santa Haas and all the divas then join in and lock arms, and lots of jobbers fill the room, singing in unison. I'm not making this up. This actually HAPPENED.

Ken Kennedy is up next. He tells us to drink responsibly this season and, *ahem*, don't do drugs. He then shills his straight to DVD movie before giving us a MIIIIISTER KENNEDY for the road. Kennedy is so irrelevant at this point it's not even worth mentioning. So I won't. A Batista-Orton history recap follows. They show us lots of clips from the Evolution days. I fucking loved Evolution, I don't give a shit. Batista and Ric Flair as tag champs, Triple H being the World Champion for like 22 months, occasion ally losing his title for about a month, all of it. They make this match seem like a big deal, even with Batista being involved in it, and claim it's "four years in the making" like they did with his match against John Cena. I hope this means they're exhausting all possible interesting Batista matches so they can just go ahead and release him the next time he throws a bitchfit and threatens to walk unless he's pushed immediately. Batista makes his entrance first to run the ropes and get pumped up. Orton ent ers next with Cody Rhodes and Manu walking behind him and to the left and right. Upon reaching the end of the ramp, they split off to surround the ring as Orton walks straight into it. It looks bad ass, and I am twelve.

Batista vs Randy Orton w/ Cody Rhodes and Manu, World Heavyweight Championship Number One Contender Match

They lockup and shove eachother around testosteronely without really doing anything for the first couple minutes. Orton slaps in a headlock which he nicely transitions to a droptoehold. Batista fights back with POWER so Orton throws him out of the ring, where he is immediately stomped and clubbed upon by Priceless. The ref sees this and immediately bans Priceless from ringside, luckily not just giving Batista the win right here. I mean really, what the hell was Orton's plan here? He should've at least just let Manu get his ass thrown out early and saved Cody for breaking up pins since he's, you know, actually competent. Ah, well. We'll see how this goes. Orton, now alone, works the arm of Batista, stomping it as Batista is on the ground. Standing armwrench and he continues to injure THE ANIMAL'S PAW. How many matches have people attacked the leg of Batista, only to end in him effortlessly hoisting them up and planting them with the Batista Bomb anyway? I'm just saying don't think a bum arm is going to do it.

Batista powers out of the armhold and lands a powerslam before going for the Bomb, but Orton slips out with a reverse neckbreaker. Knee drop to Teest's head and we get an extended neck wrenching which Batista once again simply powers out of. So if anyone ever puts you in a submission hold, just wait a while for it to wear you down, then sharply jerk against it. Guaranteed success. Or a broken bone. But almost definitely that first thing. Shoulder thrusts in the corner but Orton breaks out and runs the ropes only for Batista to hurl him out of the ring, landing on his shoulder. Batista goes out and rolls him back in but Orton stops him on the apron, dragging him forward through the ropes for an elevated DDT for two. Orton starts his stomping of the joints and Batista has an erection here. That is confirmed. Orton hits another kneedrop and sends Batista outside. Back in for another nearfall and, at a loss of what else to do, Orton puts him in a chinlock. Another powerout escape but Orton comes back with another MODIFIED chinlock. Don't try to dress it up. It's a chinlock, Randy, and it still kills the crowd. Batista AGAIN stands up and powers out. Sideslam leads to a double count. Chinlocks will really take it out of you but not really at all.

Both up simultaneously for slugging blows. Batista wins and hits a couple clotheslines before tossing Orton from the ring. Batista rolls Randy back in and GOES UP TOP~! but Orton manages to somehow recover fast enough to block the always agile Batista and his devastating top rope falling shoulder block with a superplex. Batista then just gets up and hits Orton with a spinebuster for two. Bomb attempt is reversed into an RKO attempt, but that's reversed into a Blackhole Slam for a nearfall by Batista. The sp ear is stopped with a simple kick and Orton lands his neck/backbreaker before punching the ground, signaling for the RKO. That's countered into a big back suplex by Batista for a close two and the crowd pops huge for Orton. Randall hits a DDT and gets up as Batista crawls on all fours. SOCCER PUNT misses and Batista throws him into the corner for some mounted punches. He reaches five before Orton stops it, trying to pull him off, Alabama Slam style, but Batista hangs on to the ropes and comes back with a Batista Bomb for the win.

Winner : Batista

Batista is lying on the mat clutching his head and appears to be crying after the match. Orton leaves up the ramp, looking seriously pissed. Best look out Batista or Manu gon' getchyou. I was half-expecting a Ted Dibiase Jr. return there, so that was disappointing, but a good match nontheless. I'm actually a really big fan of Orton. What. Slammy Night recap. I shut it off after Miz and Morrison's acceptance speech. Not because they ruined it, but because I knew right then nothing could come close to topping it. Apparently Chris Jericho won Superstar of the Year. Good for him. Triple H has enough nice things. Divas next.

Four Face Divas Wearing Red vs Four Heel Divas Wearing Green, Eight Diva Tag Team Match

Look, I've got exams tomorrow morning, allright, and I'm going to be up for hours doing this thing as it is, and I'm hungry, and my feet are cold. I'm not sure how or why any of that excuses me from recapping this, but it's all I got. I have to go hit up the microwave for some food anyway.

Winner : The divas in red. I don't remember if that's the face or the heels, but the one with Candice Michelle's old theme song of "YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH FOR ME" got the pin. There you go.

What sounds like a Middle Eastern rap song plays next. It's The Great Khali's new entrance music. He enters with his manager who proclaims "It's time, ladies!" Apparently Khali is going to kiss one of them. He decides on Michelle McCool. Oh, shit. Not Undertaker-Khali AGAIN. That crisis is thankfully averted as McCool leaves the ring, bitchily looking disgusted and shaking her head. I'm not one to judge really big late-middle-aged men, but seriously, Khali is at least two rungs above Undertaker on the scale of hotness. Khali's manager consoles him, offering up the other three Divas. Mickie, Maria, and Kelly all think this is funny instead of, you know, creepy to downright-fucking-terrifying. Dead silence from the crowd as the manager goes on and on, restating that Khali is going to kiss beautiful Divas. He then shifts gears and says there's a special beautiful Diva that's been helping Santa for a long, long time. Of course it's Mae Young. I'm going to go stir the potatoes and finish making my pathetic tv dinn er that I started during the match. I assume they'll kiss or something hilarious. I don't even know what's going on with WWE anymore.

Back and we're in the middle of a Jericho-Cena feud recap. They're up next. Jericho enters first. I wonder how much he pays to have his hair look like mine does every time I wake up. Sometime after noon. In a dumpster. Cena is out next. They're really phoning in his shirt designs at this point. Shit's almost as bad as when Austin was releasing a new shirt every time he made an appearance after 2004. ARRIVE. RAISE HELL. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

Chris Jericho vs World Heavyweight Champion John Cena, Title Match

They both charge each other fast and hard, quickly spilling outside, and they fight around ringside. Back in, it's completely back in forth with both guys utilizing fast-paced wild, flailing blows. These guys took pretty much nothing and made a vicious feud out of it, simply and effectively. I personally like swerves and sexy seductresses myself, but this is good too. Jericho leaps onto Cena's back with a sleeper and even then Cena's still running around for a while until he finally collapses, completely bl own up. POWER OUT into the FU but Jericho counters with a DDT. Cena rolls out ot the apron. Springboard dropkick gets Jericho caught into an FU but Cena doesn't know where to dump him, so Jericho counters with a bulldog from the apron that sends Cena's head into the steel steps. Awesome. This gets two back inside and Jericho beats that ass with stiff kicks. Y2J chokes Cena on the ropes for two consecutive four-counts and stays in control until he misses a charge in the corner. Cena capitalizes with four of his five big moves, including a Five Knuckle Shuffle that takes literally thirty seconds. The FU however is reversed into a rollup and again into a Walls of Jericho teaser but Cena quickly escapes and slams Jericho for two.

Jericho hits a missle dropkick immediately after for a nearfall, but Cena is right back up with more signature moves. Cena has a lot of signature moves because he doesn't have a lot of overall moves. Throwback is blocked and the Lionsault scores two, and Jericho goes for a superplex but Cena just hums him off for yet another two. Jericho counters the FU by athletically landing on his feet after he was thrown and hitting a quick Codebreaker for two. Cena gets right back up and finally hits the FU but this on ly gets two. Great exchange. Double count now and Cena is up as Jericho lays dead, but he's PLAYIN POSSUM and rolls Cena up for two. Enziguri attempt is reversed into an STFU but Jericho is flailing way too much for him to lock it in. Cena gives up and Jericho goes for a rollup that transitions into the Walls of Jericho right in the middle of the ring. Cena is ridiculously huffing and puffing as he inches for the ropes, but Jericho hilariously pulls him back to the center just as Cena was about to grasp the m. But remember, Cena is big, and not just big but strong too, so he POWERS OUT and locks in the STFU for the tapout victory.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion : John Cena

Awesome, awesome wrestling match. Extremely fast-paced and both came off looking great. If this was the final match between these two it could have gone longer, and with a more final finish as both men were dead even throughout and then they just kind of bitched Jericho out at the end, but I definitely wouldn't be against Cena-Jericho III. That'd probably be it, though.

Triple H enters first, and a rather large congregation of white trash in the stage pit is enjoying Motorhead. Hardy enters next with fucked looking facepaint. It's like if Dhalsim from Street Fighter smeared mustard on his face. JR refers to Hardy as the "strange enigma." Just go ahead and call him charismatic, what's TNA going to do, I mean really? Edge enters last with more smoke than The Brian Kendrick and Rob Van Dam at Jeff Hardy's old trailer.

Triple H vs Jeff Hardy vs WWE Champion Edge, Title Match

Hardy starts right off going for Edge, but Triple H attacks Hardy from behind. Hardy quickly takes down both men with wild forearms and whips them both into the same corner before hitting a stinger splash and then a poetry in motion on Edge with Triple H's unwilling assistance. Cover and Triple H breaks it up, but he gets tossed from the ring. Hardy goes to dive out onto him but Edge stops that and looks for a spear, but Hardy dodges and propels him onward out of the ring. He then completes his dive, taking out Edge, but Triple H levels him with a clothesline when he gets back to his feet. Hardy takes a Shawn Michaels turnbuckle bump into the ring barrier and it's Edge and Triple H one on one in the ring, with Edge dominating until Triple H eventually takes control with his knee assault. Pedigree attempt is stopped by the returning Jeff Hardy who soon eats knee as well. Another Pedigree attempt on Edge is prevented by a Whisper in the Wind. Hardy goes back up soon after but Edge crotches him on the turnbuckle and goes for a top rope backbody drop, but Triple H lifts Edge up in Electric Chair position, enabling Hardy to hit another Whisper in the Wind onto Edge, Road Warrior style, if the Road Warriors weren't heavy and slow.

Hardy then turns on Triple H, overpowering him until Edge gets a nearfall from behind with an Edge O Matic on Hardy. Jeff dodges a spear but Edge connects with it on Triple H. Hardy then sends Edge out of the ring and nails Hunter with the Twist of Fate. Swanton lands successfully as the crowd goes crazy, but Edge pulls Hardy from the ring at two and whips him into the security wall to shut that shit down. Hardy recovers soon enough to give Edge "a face full of announce desk" and he starts flipping shit off the table before gingerly removing the dangerous expensive monitors. Triple H temporarily cockblocks the upcoming table spot, however, but he soon teases one of his own by standing with Jeff Hardy in Pedigree position. Hardy quickly reverses into a Twist of Fate attempt but Triple H throws him away. Suddenly Edge comes running across two tables to spear Hardy through the third one. Huge crowd reaction as they lay in a heap. Of carnage, I daresay. Trips then grabs Edge and rolls him into the ring. Fucking, Edge. Not the guy that just got his shit wrecked, but the guy who did the shit wrecking.

The Pedigree is of course countered and Edge claws at his hair, signaling for the spear. It's reversed into a spinebuster and then a successful Pedigree, but the pin is interrupted by VLADIMIR KOZLOV! He pulls out Triple H and throws him into the steps but MATT HARDY is out to combat Communism! Triple H is injured outside! Jeff goes up top for the Swanton on Edge! Vladimir stops that too since Matt Hardy is shit! Hardy is crotched yet again on the top. Vlad and Matt then battle back up the ramp and all three actual match participants are down. Triple H crawls into the ring only for Edge to land a spear on Triple H out of nowhere for two and he's gone bugeyed. He leaves the ring and throws some bitch out of the way, snagging a pair of chairs for the Conchairto. Chair raised above Hunter's head, but Jeff Hardy comes from behind to snatch it out of Edge's hands and nails him with it. Jeff climbs up for the Swanton Bomb but that's prevented by Triple H who leaps up to cro tch him. He then Pedigrees Edge for the second or third time this match and drapes his arm for the pinfall, but Hardy comes off the top with the Swanton on Edge and Triple H! He then covers Edge...FOR THE WIN?!

WINNER AND NEW WWE CHAMPION : JEFF HARDY

Holy shit. What the fuck. And other expletives of surprise. Seriously stunning. I did not think they were going to give this to him tonight, or ever, really. Hardy applauds himself and kisses his belt before posing on the turnbuckles for his Imagi-Nation. Like him or not, it's an awesome moment. Let alone the fact that he's Jeff Hardy, professional fuckup, but I mean, you know. He was the skinny little guy who scored a huge upset winning the Intercontinental title off of Triple H in 2001, a huge upset even with aid from his brother and a chair. The guy who "won the Undertaker's respect," and that was considered good enough, since everyone knew for damn sure he wasn't going to win his title. And now he just pinned the WWE Champion clean. Hardy high fives the privileged front row few on both sides of the aisle. He then climbs the big castle setup they got going on above the stage and poses for the crowd with his newly won WWE Title. And Matt Hardy and his piece of shit ECW belt are nowhere to be seen. Great ending.

Even if this was the shittiest Pay Per View, I would recommend watching it just for the final match. But it was a very solid Pay Per View even without that, with three or four great matches. There's nothing else to say, just a very good show, with a fantastic finale of tonight and of 2008. END SHOW.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).