WWE Armageddon 2007
December 16, 2007
Welcome to Armageddon
2007, Wrestling Fan fans! Being held captive in the PPV Recapmeister seat with a bomb strapped to the chest this month is
me, Catherine Perez... again. LET ME OUT OF THIS CRAZY THING~! I've gotta say, now that I've seen the show's card, Armageddon
could very well be the show that gets WWE out of its shitty PPV rut. Then again, there was once a glimmer of hope for One
Night Stand III, and look at how well that turned out.
We
open up to an ominous little Armageddon preview video, where the James Earl Jones wannabe announcer narrates what's going
down tonight. The opening pyro just about kills everyone's ears for the night, and Michael Cole welcomes us to Armageddon~!
Justin Roberts announces that the next match is for the United States Championship.
MVP (c) vs. REY MYSTERIO for the UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP
MVP does his swanky little entrance sans Chuck E. Cheese tunnel of reefer. Mysterio makes his way out
next with his biggest, pyro-iest entrance to date, which the craziest looking mask I've ever seen him wear. It's like... half
skull, half actual Mysterio mask. He removes the crazy mask to reveal... HIS ACTUAL MASK! What, did you think he'd reveal
his face? Mysterio hands his crazy mask to some kid, and the ladies behind him just about die from a heart attack. MVP takes
Mysterio down, but Mysterio is back to his feet. MVP wants to go for a test of strength, but settles for kicking Mysterio's
feet out from under him. Mysterio goes for the first pin attempt of the night, but barely gets a 1. Mysterio sends MVP flying
out of the ring. The referee with the bald head blocks a suicide dive attempt. A nice spot sees Mysterio flip over the referee
and dive onto MVP on the outside. Back into the ring, Mysterio lands a right hand. MVP sends Rey into the turnbuckle, countering
a Huracanrana attempt. MVP goes for the cover, but no cigar. MVP puts Mysterio into a headlock. Take that, Orton~! Mysterio
punches out of the lock. MVP drop toe holds Mysterio and goes for the pin, but ends up with a 2-count. MVP attempts it again,
and gets another 2. Another headlock from MVP, but Mysterio quickly punches his way out. MVP goes for yet another cover, but
gets another 2.
MVP goes for an arm hold, and it looks like this one is going
to take forever. Mysterio attempts to kick out. MVP slams Mysterio's head into the mat and goes for another pin attempt. Mysterio
kicks out yet again. MVP tosses Mysterio over him, but Rey lands on his feet and delivers a Huracanrana. Both dudes are down,
and a 10-count begins. By 8, both men are up and they trade punches. A crossbody lateral press from Mysterio onto MVP, and
Rey goes for the cover. MVP kicks out. It looks like Rey might have injured his knee after throwing himself at MVP from the
top rope. A split-legged moonsault follows, and just as Rey gains some more momentum, MVP knocks Rey onto his ass. MVP and
Mysterio are now both on the turnbuckle, and Mysterio slips off in a bit of a scary moment. Mysterio delivers another Huracanrana
from the top turnbuckle, which looked pretty funny as you could tell MVP flipped himself over. MVP clotheslines the crap out
of Mysterio and settles for a 2-count. Let me just say this: 2-count, 2-count, 2-count. Lots of attempted pins here. MVP quickly
dodges a 619 and wanders around outside the ring. Mysterio catches MVP with yet another Huracanrana. Unfortunately, this one
ends in a count-out. Thanks, MVP.
WINNER: Does Rey even win because of a
count-out?
In honor of Armageddon, I'd like to introduce this month's rating
system. Each match will be rated on a scale of one to five Ben Afflecks. He was in that movie Armageddon, after all. Hilarious?
Probably not. Extremely fucking random? You bet your ass it is. Fuck you guys, I just wanted a rating system to call my own.
Remember: one Ben Affleck means the match sucks, and five Afflecks means it rules. Chances are I won't be using five Afflecks
tonight.
Post-match, Mysterio delivers a 619 on MVP. What a bitch. MVP heads up the
ramp with his U.S. title. Good opening match.
Oh look, it's Jerry Lawler
and Jim Ross, who are taking us back to last month's Survivor Series 5-on-5 match. Hey, I remember this one~! I recapped it,
you know.
Todd Grisham's in the back with Jeff Hardy and his non-rainbow-like
hair. Hardy says that none of the gimmicky matches he's ever been in compare to tonight's match. He doesn't fear Triple H,
apparently. Oh yeah? Two words: under and card.
KANE and CM PUNK vs. BIG DADDY V and MARK HENRY (Thanks for the Mammaries Match)
Kane and CM Punk make their way to the ring. Good, Punk decided to shave for this bout. Big Daddy V and
Mark Henry are out next with Matt Striker, and it's a damn wonder that the stage doesn't cave the fuck in. This is one breastacular
match about to go down. Punk and Mark Henry's glazed self lock up, and Mark shows off his strength by throwing Punk into the
corner. Punk ducks a second lock-up and starts kicking the crap out of Henry's legs. Henry doesn't take kindly to that shit,
so he throws Punk onto the mat. More kicks from Punk, and Kane tags in. Even more kicks from Kane! Now we get some of those
patented Kane "THWACK" punches. Crazily enough, Kane is manhandling Henry. Punk tags back in and hits a high kick to Henry's
head. Henry weakly clotheslines Punk and delivers a few kicks before tagging in Big Dipper V. Tazz compares V to a fucking
water tower. Punk is thrown out of the ring, and everyone's favorite disgraced teacher decides to get in a kick before running
off. Henry tags back in and walks on Punk like he's a Welcome mat. Henry drags Punk into a corner and headbutts him, which
somehow garners a replay. Kane is tagged in, and he hits his crazy top-rope clothesline. He teases a Chokeslam before Henry
gains the upper hand. V tags back in and nearly no-sells some punches from Kane. He tried, but the guy is so immobile. Kane
is slammed down between Daddy's legs. Punk interrupts a pin attempt from V. Kane cowers in fear as V and his giant breasts
wail on him. I'm sorry, I can barely concentrate when Big Vis's tits are just about ready to shatter my TV screen. Henry is
back in, and he warmly embraces Kane, who is so unreceptive to love. Kane is dying to make it to Punk, but he is quickly sent
back to Henry's corner. God damn it, V's back in. V slaps the hell out of Kane's chest. Kane kicks V square in the tits -
I wish he hadn't done that. Mark Henry is back in the ring. Dear God. Some back and forth action from Kane and Henry before
Punk is tagged back in. We've now got a 4-man clusterfuck going. V delivers whatever the hell his finisher is, I think, and
covers Punk for the win.
WINNERS: Titty and Titty, Attorneys at Law
LOSERS:
Wonderbra, me, breast enthusiasts
...and that's being generous.
We
get a lovely outside shot of Pittsburgh, PA. It's snowing like hell up here in New England. I'm surprised all these people
even made it to the show. Backstage we have Smackdown GM Kurt Angle Vickie Guerrero, who is bound
to a wheelchair and wearing a neck brace. Edge, obviously, is right there to gross us out. Edge basically lets Vickie know
that he'll be winning, and this segment ends with a disgusting kiss to Vickie's hand. Vickie's all smiles, while I'm all barfs.
MR. KENNEDY... KENNEDY vs. SHAWN
MICHAELS... MICHAELS
Kennedy is out first. He lets us all know that
the only thing that matters tonight is that he beats Michaels. We get the big "...KENNEDY" bit. Michaels makes his way out
next, thankfully not resembling Skinner tonight, but rather a walking advertisement - "BUY MY MERCH, KTHXBI~!" King reminds
us that tonight's show is brought to us by Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Thanks for that absolutely relevant information.
The two lock up, and Kennedy lands some hard right hands and kicks. He whips HBK off the ropes and delivers a reverse elbow.
Kennedy then gives Michaels an elbow drop and side slam. Michaels tries to get away, prompting Kennedy to hilariously ask
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" and punch Michaels's head off. Michaels is about to try some kind of suplex, but it looks like his
back is killing him. Great timing, back. HBK does, however, deliver a side Russian leg sweep, and goes for the arm bar. I
think a missed a bit here, but it looks like Kennedy's still in that arm bar. Kennedy's trying like hell to fight out of it,
and his finally does. He charges at HBK and tackles the Skinner wannabe the hell out of the ring. Back in the ring, HBK's
stomping on Kennedy's head and twisting his arm all which ways. Hey, Shawn, what are you trying to do, injure Mr. Kennedy's
arm? LAWL~! HBK's still grabbing at Kennedy's arm, and one of Kennedy's punches nearly has Shawn tripping his way out of the
ring.
Eventually, Michaels ends up out of the ring after getting thrown into
one of the turnbuckles. After a 5-count, Kennedy throws HBK back into the ring. Kennedy now has Michaels in the corner and
delivers a nice little kick right to Shawn's temple, so says J.R. He actually got kicked in the chin. Kennedy tries two pin
attempts, but only gets a 2-count. Something tells me WWE loves 2-counts. Kennedy now wants to snap Michaels in two over his
knee. Kennedy gets another 2-count at his third pin attempt, and is still playing off some kind of arm injury. Kennedy climbs
onto the second turnbuckle and delivers an elbow drop into a pin. Guess what number count he got? Kennedy now has Michaels
in a headlock. It's a wonder he can perform that so well when his arm's all fucked up. Michaels is hilariously trying to fight
his way out. Michaels throws Kennedy out of the ring over his own shoulder. At a count of 7, Kennedy makes his way back into
the ring, where he walks into some WOOOOO'in chops. Michaels delivers two atomic drops onto Kennedy's twigs and berries, and
stumbles around holding his aching back. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and scores with an elbow drop to the delight of the
crowd. Michaels goes for some Sweet Chin Music, but Kennedy dodges it and went for a pin. You know what number. Michaels goes
for a pin of his own... again, a 2. Michaels is catapulted into the ring post. Kennedy goes for yet another pin. 2. Kennedy
crawls over to Michaels and talks some shit into his ear, then lifts him by the hair and tries a side Russian leg sweep. This
looks like a huge botch, but Michaels saves it from looking bad as he quickly goes to hang onto the ropes. A quick Sweet Chin
Music scores Michaels the win~! Great match.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels
Michaels and his thinning hairline celebrate the win as Kennedy stares up
at the pretty lighting.
Send Feedback to Catherine Perez
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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