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Hey there, niggas, wiggas, and something equally as offensive that rhymes with niggas! Check me out, doing a PPV rant of all things. Well, I guess this is just a testament to Sean’s trust and admiration to my writing ability, that or he’s still pissed about that ‘incident’ that may or may not have involved his dog and my car. And by ‘dog’ I mean ‘girlfriend’ and ‘car’ I mean ‘Lawnmower’. Then replace those words with ‘Hooker’ and ‘Shovel’ respectively. But I’m fairly sure it’s the trust thing.

Let’s see here, we got a fairly decent card up for tonight, which, considering the name of the PPV is ‘Armageddon’ is kind of a disappointment. Where are my 4 Stages of Apocalypse matches? Where the combatants must suffer through Famine (Shouldn’t be too hard, the Divas handle it pretty well), Pestilence (Piece of cake, most of these guys have boils on their backs anyway), War (HUH! WHAT IIIS IT GOOD FOR! BESIDES RIDDING US OF A MEGALOMANIAC AUSTRIAN TYRANT! ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN’, HUH) and of course, Death, which, uh, is pretty tough to beat unless your name is Calaway.

Anyway, on with the show!

MVP vs. Kane – Inferno Match

If Kane was any kind of uncaring monster, he’d further scare MVP by sticking a wooden cross on one of the turnbuckles. But anyway. Starting off the PPV with this match is an interesting choice. MVP comes out first and puts over the ‘500 degrees, 8 foot high’ flames, as Cole puts it. As opposed to him, who is simply a flaming 5 foot high.

Kane comes out, looking unusually pleased for a guy who’s never won such a match, not to mention someone who was supposedly set ablaze as a child. This is like having arachnophobia then jumping for joy when the big spider from Lord of the Rings is on your ass. Or indeed, being agoraphobic and smiling when someone…erm…you know what? That’s just a lame phobia. If you have it, seriously, you suck. Damn.

Kane starts off by beating on MVP in his typical fashion. MVP decides it might be a good idea to climb up the top rope. Yeah, why not just tie a noose round his neck whilst he’s up there. Kane tries for a superplex but gets shoved off and hit with a nice cross body from the top. MVP follows up with a big boot to the corner, but Kane sits up and lays into MVP like a redneck would a drunken wife because I kinda ran out of jokes there for a second.

At one point Kane tries to set a turnbuckle pad on fire but the flames are having none of it, so he sets alight another one. Isn’t he supposed to have supernatural powers and set CREWMEN on fire, but a turnbuckle pad is too much? I CALL SHENANIGANS.

MVP manages to avoid this however and throws the pad to the outside. Knees and neckbreaker later, he tries to dropkick Kane into the fire but ends up sliding into it himself. Later, Kane goads MVP into punching him but he won’t comply, instead barely jumping over the fire to the outside, followed by Kane and a flying clothesline from the top. Nice visuals at least.

Outside they brawl for a while as Kane ends up dragging MVP out from under the ring where he tried to escape, and actually sets MVP’s back on fire for his troubles.

Winner: Kane

What did I gain from this match? – I think this was unfair of Kane. So, he failed to set his own brother (Undertaker) on fire. Doesn’t mean he has to actually track down an actual brother just so he can set him ablaze.

MVP runs about for a bit and ends up being saved by the fire extinguishers. You just know this is gonna lead to a segment with Teddy Long on Smackdown where he tells MVP ‘you were on FIRE, dawg!’ before MVP hopefully rips out Long’s intestines.

Backstage, Long is with the divas and Santa Claus, and he announces a ‘Naughty or Nice’ match for tonight between Layla, Ashley, Kristal and Jillian. I only think people will actually start to care about these if they were named ‘Rimjob Match’ or ‘Fisheye’ Match

Anyway let’s get on with what could potentially be the highlight of the night, that being the tag title match. Of course, a highlight for me would also be the Boogeyman/Miz match, provided that said match featured a crazed psychopath going nuts and killing everyone in the arena. And no, Vince, I don’t mean the WWE’s definition of psychopath, which is “A person who tends to chokeslam you from greater heights than normal.”


Londrick vs. Taylor and Regal – Tag Team Title Match

Ashley isn’t here because she’s ‘focused’ on her incredibly career make-or-breaking match later tonight. What the hell? Long just came out and made this a ladder match and….stuck in two more teams? Are these teams even on Smackdown?

Londrick vs. Dave Taylor & William Regal vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. MNM – Tag Team Title Ladder Match

Holy shit. All is forgiven. Sure this may not have the psychology and may not necessarily showcase the full skill of some of the combatants in the originally booked match, but, you know, it was kinda getting old seeing Kendrick get beat down to be MIRACULOUSLY SAVED by London anyway. Fuck it, I’m gonna enjoy this for what it is.

And scratch what I just said. Kendrick is isolated and getting his ass beaten by the Hardys, as everyone comes back into the ring for a nice big 8-man brawl and God I sounded gay typing that. Londrick get beaten down some more by Regal and Taylor, as Nitro runs off and tries to get a ladder but ends up brawling against the Hardys with Mercury and…sweet SHIT there’s no way I can recap all what’s going on here. Look, just…8 men fight, 2 men go up ladder, one go down boom one win. Will that do? No? God damn it…

Curiously, when Matt throws in a ladder to the ring, Taylor and Regal throw it back out. ‘A medium to win the match? GET OUTTA HERE YA DAMN YANK’. I never claim that English have good judgement. Just look at who we ‘knight’ here for God’s sake. ‘Sir’ Elton John? Oh yeah, yeah I’m sure we can count on that pansy if a dragon ever comes and fucks up out shit. What’s he gonna do, lecture it about the Circle of Life? Fuck that I say. Fuck that. Indeed. Yes.

Taylor ends up hit with a Poetry in Motion and a Snapshot, so I think he’s pretty much out of it for now. You can almost see him getting the nightcap and pyjamas ready for his 10-minute nap. A ladder from Matt hits Kendrick, as Jeff dropkicks London. Jeff goes to the top of the ladder but London shoves him off. Nitro then attempts a spring board dropkick but London jumps off the ladder and collides with Nitro, for a very nice visual. Awesome match so far.

Mercury now ends up on his own with a ladder. And instead of using it to throw Down’s syndrome kids onto out of sheer boredom like I thought everyone else did, he tries to capture the titles. Kendrick puts a stop to it, however, and on top of that the Hardys shove the ladder so Mercury falls out onto Nitro. Matt and Kendrick are eventually left in the ring, but Jeff joins in and helps his brother whip Kendrick into the ladder in the corner. They then go for a Poetry in Motion on London but he moves and Jeff ends up bashing his fucking head on the turnbuckle. It’d be funny but it’s not like he can feel it.

I gotta wonder if this is what it took, several ladders, and 4 other men, just to help cover up the fact that Taylor might suck in the ring. He’s done shit all in this match so far, and if it takes THAT MUCH to hide your weaknesses, damn, fucking Khali looks like Dynamite Kid in comparison. In that he can’t walk properly.

Regal gets suplexed onto the floor by Nitro, as London is set to be suplexed onto the ladder by Matt. He reverses and dropsaults Matt onto the ladder instead. Kendrick goes up now and hits a double stomp on Matt, as MNM make their way back in the ring and double gutbuster London. It’s getting serious now (Hah, it’s so not. BOOBS) as a GRUESOME spot takes place. MNM set up the ladders in a seesaw fashion, to superplex Jeff onto. Matt then saves, but Jeff jumps over all three guys and ends up knocking a ladder SQUARE INTO MERCURY’S FACE. It busts him up something chronic.

They play a slo-mo of the spot and Christ it’s sick. Regal and Taylor finally get back in and start getting involved, with Regal kobashiplexing London onto the ladder. Hilariously, Regal goes up now but is apparently scared of heights. Awesome facials. He instead decides to steady the ladder so that Taylor can climb up, but get stopped by Kendrick, who gets dumped out for his troubles. Fuck me there’s blood everywhere from Mercury’s face. DON’T TOUCH IT IT’S POISONOUS LOLZ.

Jeff sets up a ladder outside to dive into the ring but Nitro dropkicks it and Jeff lands on the ropes in a nice looking spot. After a battle on the ladder in the ring, Matt backdrops London to the floor and falls down himself. Jeff and Nitro left to climb, as Jeff brings it down wit ha sunset powerbomb. An epic battle up two ladders next, with Taylor and Regal climbing up both, but Kendrick knocking them down. He has one hand on the title, but Taylor pulls him down. London clotheslines him to the outside, as Regal makes the attempt, Kendrick hits the SLICED BREAD #2 FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER. He lands RIGHT on his head.

London and Matt go up, but London ends up winning it. Holy shit that was awesome.

Winners: Kendrick and London

What did I gain from this match? – A very entertaining match, and a well deserved win by the champs. Seriously, can’t joke about that….well, I can. I mean, hah, look at Mercury. Loser.

Backstage now, Kristal is preparing for the Diva Match tonight. Wouldn’t it be fun if one girl decided to just come out naked? I mean come on, who’s gonna boo her?

Miz vs. Boogeyman

And it’s that time of month, guys, where Joe asks you the impossible question: What Could be Worse?

That’s right, when faced with something of this sheer magnitude of suck, this absolute volume of crappiness, this completely unmerciful exposure to the toxic substance known only as ‘Smackdown’s undercard’, one has to wonder if there is actually anything more potently dangerous to the well-being of your own soul. Well, try having a dwarf profess his love for you on a mountain:

Yeah that’s me, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Anyway, Miz goes to the top rope and jumps into a chokebomb by Boogey and gets pinned.

Winner: Boogeyman

What did I gain from this match? – Like you care. You’re probably still SPELLBOUND by that masterful video.

I can’t believe this is what I’m getting as ongoing backstage skits. Fucking Divas warming up for a match that doesn’t matter. And sure, we get Regal showing frontal, but none of these? Fuck this.

Meanwhile, Chavo announces that he’s dedicating his next match to Vickie Guerrero. I guess dedicating matches to Eddie is passé.

Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit – US Title

You wanna know how ‘emotional’ this ‘epic battle’ is? I fucking forgot these guys had a match. And it’s all very well and good trying to blame the meth, but facts are facts: this feud is lame.

Anyways, Chavo jumps Benoit from behind, but gets some chops and slaps for his trouble. 2 count after a snap suplex. Chavo ends up catapulted to the outside (He went over those ropes like it was a border!) as a Benoit chant starts up. He throws Chavo into the railings then back in the ring he hits the Rolling Germans on Chavo.

Soon after Chavo gains control and lays Benoit around the ringpost and baseball slides into his back. He keeps working his back with knees and a European uppercut and even chokes Benoit. Tree of woe on Benoit as Chavo dropkicks his ribs, but on the second attempt Benoit escapes and ends up chopping at Chavo for the comeback. Chavo then counters with a poke to the eyes and hits the Three Amigos, but Benoit hits back and THEN SOME by hitting 8 ROLLING GERMANS. Holy fuck. Still only a 2 count.

Vickie comes in with the US title as Benoit is setting up Chavo for the sharpshooter. Benoit spots Vickie and tells her ‘don’t do it’ to which she replies ‘BUT I LOVE THE MONEY’ to which Benoit replies ‘No, dumb bitch, I meant the title’. Vickie: Oh. Right, of course…

He breaks the hold and goes to Vickie, who starts selling that neck, and Chavo gets a rollup. Only 2! Benoit comes out and hits the sharpshooter, and Chavo taps.

Winner: Chris Benoit

What did I gain from this match? – Funny, why work on Benoit’s back and not have it lead to anything? Like Vickie hitting it with the belt or something? Or indeed, have Chavo say a line like ‘Ya see Benoit, your back is paralysed, I guess you could say that you have a DEAD MAN’S BACK’. Cue theme music. “VIVA LA RAZAAAA”


Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Gregory Helms – Cruiserweight Title Match

Pah. Helms has no chance. If Yang and his kind can survive GODZILLA attacks, one Hurricane aint gonna do squat. On second thought, considering Yang is a supposed redneck, they don’t have much luck with natural disasters, really…

Shoving match to start off, as Helms loses his temper and they start doing some nice counter exchanges. Helms hits a heat inducing slap, and the crowd is really behind this match. Yang hits back with a side elbow and goes for a moonsault, which Helms dodges, but Yang lands on his feet. Be funny if Yang freaked out during an audible:

Helms: Ok, I’m going to powerBOMB you
Yang: AGH! WHERE?!

HIROSHIMA LOL.

Yang escapes a chinlock after he realises he’s not fighting Randy Orton, and ends up goading Helms into getting backdropped to the outside. He follows up by flattening Helms with a plancha. Helms fights back though and chokes Yang for a while, and the crowd seems to be bored now, which is a shame. God bless JBL for calling them ‘bloodthirsty’ for not caring about the actual wrestling. Although be fair, after that ladder match it’s hard to follow up.

Yang hits a missile dropkick for  the 2, then ends up missing a corner attack and gets hit by a neckbreaker from the top, and instead of pinning, Helms goes up top again and comes down to a spinning wheel kick, but STILL kicks out at 2. Yang makes the same mistake and goes up top for the Yang Time but misses and Helms hits the single leg jawbreaker for the win.

What did I gain from this match? – Strange, and Japanese people are usually renowned for their accuracy. Just ask Pearl Harbour.


Undertaker vs. Kennedy – Last Ride Match

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. What is SO bad about the outcome of a Last Ride match. Unless Taker suddenly reveals that once you’re locked in the hearse, you realise it’s being driven by Princess Di’s chauffeur? Heh, that’s be pretty sweet.

Undertaker: Rest in Peace.
Driver: THAT’S WHAT I SAID LOL

Tombstone on the roof of the car. What? You KNOW it’s gonna happen.

Kennedy starts out trying to dodge some stiff shots, but ultimately just gets pounded, just like my prom date. To be fair though she was the dead one, not the other way round. Kennedy gets thrown out and into the announce table and them the apron. He misses a knee charge and Kennedy takes advantage and Goddamn this is getting too methodical for my tastes.

Kennedy jumps off the apron but lands in Taker’s grasp and charged into the ringpost, and basically Taker’s uses only his basic arsenal to get by. This is what frustrates me about these ‘New guy v Taker’ feuds. They leave no room for Taker to really showcase how talented he really is, like how he did against Angle at No Way Out.

Kennedy ends up being led to the hearse but counters and drives Taker into it back first. He then tries to stick Taker in there but he’s having none of it and shoves him away. Back at the ring, Taker does the apron leg drop then crotches him on the ropes and follows with a superplex.

Kennedy comes back though, and hits a sleeper to knock Taker out. he drags him to the hearse and gets him in, but now realises he has to drive him out of the arena. So he goes to drive but Taker is awaiting and goozles him and takes him back to the ring (GAH) and sets up the announce table, to which Cole stupidly asks ‘What does Taker have in mind here?’ Oh I dunno, Cole, maybe he’s gonna sit there and commentate for a bit? “Noooot fooooor nooooothiiiiing”

Kennedy comes back with some chair shots, then hits him again in the ring, which Taker no sells so Kennedy bails so Taker chases him. they end up at the entranceway, where there appears to be a sort of castle themed set up, that Kennedy is stuck up. Taker goes for a chokeslam but Kennedy throws him off and he lands on a DEVESTATING AIR PAD.

Owen Hart voice by Cole next ‘this could be…Undertaker’s last ride’. Oh yeah, REAL sincere, Cole. So if I legit believe, I dunno, Matt Hardy might be dead, should I call it as ‘I guess Matt Hardy met a Twist. Of Fate. And finally died. :(‘

Taker is back in the hearse, but he sits up and drags Kennedy into the hearse with him, then back out as he hits him with a chair shot or two. He heads up to the roof, Kennedy’s now busted open, and then chokeslams and OMFG tombstones Kennedy onto the roof and then sticks him in the hearse. He drives it out for the rather anticlimactic win.

What did I gain from this LAST RIDE OMG match? – Why couldn’t this be a Dukes of Hazzard match? Sticks him in the hearse, then does a slow motion jump over the ramp into the titantron? JBL can say ‘Ha hah, those boys sure done got themselves into some kinda trouble.’

Backstage, Booker is preparing with Finlay. They both promise not to double cross each other tonight, and Sharmell reminds them that their match is soon. Finlay: I’ve got the luck of the Oirish. Unfortunately Booker didn’t chime in with ‘I’ve got the luck of a neg-…wait, that’s bad news, isn’t it?’

Layla vs. Kristal vs. Jillian vs. Ashley

Anyone really care about this? And the fact it’s just before the main event is pitiful. Could be worse. Could be a fat council worker who can’t ride a bike:

Before you ask, yes, taxpayers indirectly paid for this.

Anyway, Ashley wins on "crowd reaction", but Santa says ‘EVERYone wins’ rendering this even more pointless. Santa then reveals himself to be Big Dick Johnson, as my soul dies. Funny, I don't think Santa would have caught on quite as well as a childhood icon had he worn a fucking banana hammock. Chances are Jolly Ole St. Nick wouldn't have time to be going over a list, because he'd be on one himself:... The Sex Offenders Registry.

And now it’s time for our main event!

World Heavyweight Champion Batista and WWE Champion John Cena vs. King Booker and Finlay

So, a wigger, an Irishman, a black man, and a….a….the FUCK is Batista? Walk into a bar…

Booker and Cena to start. Some armdrags and armbars by Cena, but Batista quickly wants in so Cena tags him. Finlay is in too and gets headlocked by Batista, and ends up eating a very sloppy musclebuster for a 2 count. Booker tags himself in and hits some chops, but gets clotheslined for 2. Cena is in again but he gets a thumb to the eye and a back kick for another 2. Cena rallies back and hits a bulldog then a protobomb, five knuckle shuffle, then the FU is called but Booker escapes, right into a drop toehold and an STFU. Finlay breaks it up.

The ref ends up distracted as Sharmell hands Booker the scepter, who clobbers Cena in the throat with it. Thrust kick gets 2. Soon enough Batista gets the hot tag and annihilates the heels with a spear for each, and a powerslam on Finlay. Booker tries to ambush Batista from there, but he moves and Finlay eats the side kick. Batista then hits a blackhole (of workrate) slam on Book, but before he can get the pin Finlay is back in and breaks it up. Cena and Finlay then go at it, and Little Bastard gets involved next, and in the fracas Finlay hits Batista in the thigh with the shillelagh, but NO SALE, my friend. Which was weird. Dave must have forget to sell, because in real life this guy has a tendency to explode out of his skin like a Mortal Kombat fatality. In any event, Batista ends up finishing Booker with a spinebuster and Batista bomb. All in all this match probably didn't even go ten minutes. But that's Okay, it's not like WWE has had a habit lately of fucking us out of our money by short changing us on time. Oh wait.

What did I get from this match?- OMG two World Champions in ONE match! It's been at least 3 weeks since we last saw that. Tell me again why the brand extension still exists? That's like breaking up with a girl to go your complete separate ways, but you still spend most of your time at her house having sex. Ok, it's nothing like that. But what a sweet deal!

The two champions celebrate as the show closes.

What pleased me?- THE LADDER MATCH. Great surprise. It's just s shame it didn't sell one fucking pay-per-view buy because no one knew it was coming. Joey Mercury died tonight for 150,000 buys. How depressing. (Still a great match though).

What pissed me off?- Boogeyman vs. Miz.  You know it's bad when the  best worker in the match is the Earthworms. 'Nuff said.

Ok, guys. That's it for me. James will be back in three(!) weeks with New Year's Revolution. The only place in the world where "Marines" are bombarded by flying thumbs and asses, instead of bullets.

Joe. 

Send Feedback to Joe Merrick

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).