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WWE Armageddon 2004

by Sean Carless

December 12, 2004

For the record, I actually missed the 8:00 pm start time, so I figured I'd order the 11:30 repeat... only, there was no 11:30 pm repeat for whatever reason... so, I had to wait until 1:30 am to see the PPV. But on a positive note, my cable provider did give me a *complimentary* Raw Diva's search "Fanatic Series" FREE OF CHARGE~! However, rather than accepting this magnanimous gift, I instead asked if they'd instead be willing to come to my house and take a shit on my floor . Seriously though, I mean, come on! I could barely suffer through the mind-numbing segments when they originally aired on TV, so why dedicate an entire hour of my life to RELIVE this brainless abortion? I'll still masturbate to it, though.

Ok, then!

It's time for Armageddon!... Again. That's right. You'd think there would only be one "Armageddon" since the world could only technically end once, but you'd be wrong, bucko. God apparently decided to spare us again, obviously feeling a prolonged JBL title run was punishment enough. Seems fair.

Anyhoo, tonight's show comes to us from Atlanta, GA., home of the Chris Benoit! 'Tis Wolverine country here! They're like everywhere! Or not.

Joining me for the loneliest party on Earth is my running buddy and tag team partner in the Can-Am Correction, Mr. Harry Simon; who will be occasionally chiming in with his two cents (which since he's American is worth about 3 million dollars here in my home country of Canada). It should be Sexy.

Onto the show!

Acapulco Gold (Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio) vs. (C) Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree; WWE Tag Team Titles at stake.

If Eddie Guerrero and JBL can both have vehicular entrances, why can't RVD & Rey-Rey? Personally, in the spirit of Mexicans and marijuana coming together in symbiotic harmony, might I suggest a Cheech and Chong-esque "doobie van" for the duo? You know, backed into the arena, and from which they'll emerge from the back door through a thick cloud of smoke. And of course, from there, the duo can lose every match by count-out 'cause they head out for some munchies like five minutes into a match. Sounds like money to me. Money they'll then spend on Dime bags.

Good fast paced opener here complete with some pretty cool tandem offense from Rob & Rey, including an atomic-drop/leg drop combo Cole said was called the "4:20" because, and I'm quoting here, "it means 4 legs plus their combined shoe size." *Ahem*, Cole, I think the trail of empty Funyon bags and squeezed out cookie dough tubes backstage might suggest otherwise.

Anyway, Torrie Wilson eventually runs in (or bounces in depending on your view point) to chase off Hiroko, leaving it just two on two. What a shame. I love Hiroko. And if I had my way, I'd help her with her white face. If only through another completely disturbing manner.

Anyway, Rey is soon victim to a lot of heel double teaming, before ultimately making the hot (box) tag to Rob, who then proceeds to unleash all the Van Dammy offense before calling Rey back in for a tandem "rolling thunder" that Cole dubs the chalupa, which if I'm not mistaken is some kind of burrito. Nice stereo typing there, WWE. Although, *maybe* Rey just didn't want to be the only dude not rolling things in this tandem? I don't know. Anyway, Rey hits a stereo 619 to both Dupree & Kenzo, and Rob follows that up with the Frog splash to Dupree (SWEET IRONY~!) for the win and the titles!

Winners: Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam. Once backstage, RVD congratulates all his "partners" on their big man six man tag team title win. Rey then has to convince Rob that there's only one of him and he only won the tag title. RVD nods, laughs, then falls asleep in a bowl of cheetos. This may have just happened in my version.

Harry says: Good thing no one in WWE watches TNA, or Rey would be punished for being nice to the competition. And Rob would be punished just because he's Rob. And I don't mean "you have to do a job in a dark match" punishment. I mean the usual crap. R&R have both been de-pushed so hard, they're about to go back in time.

/5

-Daniel Puder cuts a promo on his opponent tonight in the "Dixie-Land Dog Fight", The Miz. Puder states that he's all about the pain tonight. Mission accomplished if you're talking about this promo.

Kurt Angle vs. The Imagination of Children Worldwide.

Kurt Angle comes out for the "hometown challenge" and his opponent is... SANTA CLAUS, who apparently has moved all operations to the Deep South. Who knew the North Pole was a suburb of Atlanta? Anyway, Angle relates to us on the mic that he hates Santa because his daughter would rather talk about Santa all the time and not him. He also hates Jolly St. Nick because he has nothing on REAL heroes like him. Bell rings, tight waist take down, Angle slam, Anklelock, tap out. But not before Santa's hat and wig come flying off, REVEALING A MAN CLEARLY NOT SANTA CLAUS. Man, I haven't been this upset since I saw my Dad eat the cookies I left out on Xmas 1984. Santa probably went hungry because of that.

Winner: The Pagans! Christmas is ruined now! Oh, and Kurt Angle, whom as we speak is probably on his way to the mall to shatter a few more children's dreams. Lord love him.

/5

-Miz cuts a considerably better promo than Puder. He says he's not an underdog and tonight Puder will feel his bite. The huge book of silly wrestling clichés then falls from Miz's pocket. Miz then gingerly leaves the room walking backwards and whistling. True story.

Dixie Dog Fight: Mike Mizanin vs. Daniel Puder. No "Dr. Death" Steve Williams were injured in the making of this "shoot fight" (if only there were guns. If only.).

Teddy Long comes out to explain the logistics, citing it's three, one minute rounds, no three knock down rule in effect, and no standing 8 count. The two men are then fitted with amateur headgear, because let's face it, two untrained boxers flailing around in a ring punching each other in the head would be absurd! Ahem.

1st round, Miz comes out a house of fire, or maybe a bungalow of fire because let's face it, it's fucking Miz were talking about, but soon thereafter he gasses out faster than my Grandfather after Christmas dinner. (live with that visual). Puder then lands a few solid shots but Miz clearly lands more (even if they were wild). Edge: Miz.

2nd round: Puder dominates this round, pacing himself a little better. Puder lands a rabbit punch off the clench. I don't know how effective it is though, because I've never punched a rabbit before. Anyway, the crowd boos and rightfully so. If this was fought under "real" Boxing rules, Puder would be Disqualified right there. Of course, if this was a real boxing match everyone would be hitting the ticket booth trying to get their fucking money back, and fucking Don King would be being Hele-ported to safety as we speak.

3rd round: Both men are spent here as they each employ the never much used "Dope a Dope" strategy as EACH punch themselves out. Dear god. The time limit then expires and Teddy lets the fans decide the winner... and not the aforementioned Don King which is standard practice in the boxing world. The crowd ultimately chooses Puder. I disagree though. One could argue Miz was clearly the more aggressive of the two and should have won on points since there were no knock downs. But hey, why do the logical thing when you can interpret the reaction of 20,000 hayseeds to decide a winner? And why am I arguing the integrity of a 9 minute fake boxing match with fucking Mike Mizanin? There are no logical answers to any of these questions.

Winner: Daniel Puder and his rabbit punch! Gerbils beware. You MAY be next.

Harry says: Until they bring back Darryl & Marty to do a "Tough Enough reject" tag team, I have zero interest in anything to do with TE. That said, at least poor Al Snow gets a PPV payoff. Somebody's going to Sizzler this Christmas Eve!!

/5

Charlie Haas w/ Miss Jackie & Hardcore Holly w/ BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS vs. The Bashams w/o heat.

New gimmick, same complete apathy! It's the Bashams! From sticking things in their ass to covering JBL's, The Bashams have apparently traded in their ball gags and erotic rubber S&M gear to work as co-chief's of security for JBL. That's quite the career jump. Although, I guess after having someone like Shaniqua stick things up their cravace, taking a bullet is probably a welcome change.

Anyway, good match here, but it's funny how no matter how technically sound a match goes, a total lack of crowd reaction can make it seem worse than what it really is. This match was a victim of that phenomenon. It couldn't have had less heat if it was filmed in space. Which for the record is just my way of trying to say I'd like someone to permanently dispose of Bob Holly in the dark reaches of the cosmos. I'm not that great with subtlety. What can I say.

Haas plays your man in peril here, as the Bashams take it to him and cut off the ring. Eventually, Haas hits a desperation T-Bone on one of the Bashams, (the bald one with no charisma. Oh.) and tags in Bob Holly who goes to work, potentially looking for the BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. Unless that business is Insurance. You don't see too many dropkicks there. From there, Holly has things in control, even hitting his elevated kick to the bag that Cole always insists is a "midsection". Although, I guess in Cole's defense, when your testicles never descended, it's probably easy to make that mistake.

Anyway, the end sees Dawn Marie come to ringside and get into it with Miss Jackie, which of course distracts Haas, who if he was me, would be grabbing as much baby lotion and kielbasas from the kitchen as possible, and hoping for the best. This leads to a Basham switcheroo and Holly gets pinned with a very awkward small package. Yes awkward. You see, the small package is currently going through puberty and is real self conscious about its crackling voice and the fact it now has hair in strange places. Or not. Whatever.

After the match, Holly reads Charlie the riot act. Literally! "Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the act made in the first year of King George, for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King. " It was awkward for everyone.

Winners: The Bashams. The only half-naked Secret Service in the world. Although, once they elect a gay president, you just watch that change. *shudder*.

Harry says: Holly's "punishment" continues. What's next, he has to go to bed without any green pills? And the fact that they Haas (who already has a match/angle on the show) to fill out the show is another indictment of the fact that their roster is puddle-deep right now. Still though, at least they're finally pushing the Bashams. They've only been around having solid, unappreciated matches for a year.

/5

-They air maybe the GREATEST Ad for a pay-per-view EVER with a parody of West Side Story for the Royal Rumble. It's worth it just for Ric Flair in a wig, trust me.

(C) John Cena w/ Jesus-like healing abilities apparently vs. JESUS w/ the light of the Lord (And Carlito) for the U.S. Title; Street Fight.

My Pastor always promised Jesus would return at Armageddon, but he never told me he'd be wearing nipple-high banana colored pants when he did. All blasphemy aside, this was for all intents and purposes a complete squash as Cena just dominated Jesus for eight straight minutes hitting him with the usual suspects of Steve Blackman-esque weapons of Hardcore mayhem (trash can lids, kendo sticks etc.). Luckily for this Jesus, Cena didn't think of getting cute and assembling two of those kendo sticks for the ultimate finish. Lucky him.

Jesus sells the beating by doing some color. I'd have laughed if there was a Good Samaritan willing to take the rest of Cena' offense in Jesus' stead. But hey, that's just me. Once back in the ring, Cena easily dispatches him with an F-U to retain. After the match, he clocks Carlito (who was in Jesus' corner) with his chain. Short match, but it was likely due to Jesus apparently being injured (but don't fret, Jesus will rise again!).

Winner: John Cena, who gave Mel Gibson a run for his money in the 'let's run Jesus through the fucking mill' department.

Harry says: Fuck, I was afraid of this. I hope everyone's ready for the John Layfield vs. John Cena title match at WM21. Didn't this damn company learn anything from TNA and Hardy vs. Jarrett? You can never match up two guys with the same first name and expect any good to come of it. (Unless it's Benoit vs. Jericho.)

/5

Dixie Dog Fight part 2 (I kid.) Miss Jackie vs. Dawn Marie w/ Charlie Haas as referee.

Total angle enhancement match here. The story of course is that Haas is engaged to Jackie, but Dawn claims she's been having an affair with Charlie. And if you believed your Sex Education teacher when she said that every time you have sex, you've really had sex with every person they've ever had sex with, that means Charlie's had sex with both Al & Torrie Wilson, which is both AWESOME and TERRIFYING at the same time.

With that in mind, the match itself was of course abysmal. Finish sees Dawn counter a Miss Jackie reverse roll up and get the pin with a handful of labia tights.

After the match, Miss Jackie is upset that Charlie counted the pin. He grabs the mic and reveals that he did indeed did have an affair with Dawn, as I picture TNA's "Irish" Pat Kenney watching the PPV at home and spewing his Guinness all over the screen. Haas then calls off the "engagement" to Miss Jackie, because according to him, in bed, she's a dead wet fish; and Dawn is apparently a MINX in the sack. He then looks like he's about to propose to Dawn, when he pauses and instead asks her why she's such a slut. Touché! He then tells us he'd never marry EITHER of them. Right on, Charlie. Why buy the implants when you can get the silicone for free? Wait. that's not how it goes.

Haas then leaves the ring to actual cheers from the jaded guys in the crowd who chant "Charlie! Charlie!" Those same 15,000 dudes then spend the night sleeping on the couch.

Winner: Dawn Marie, and FORNICATION~!

Harry says: In all seriousness, this was the best thing they could have done with Haas at this point. For the past few months, he was the worst-booked wrestler in the whole company, catching more beatdowns than Rodney King. As for the match itself, if there wasn't a nip slip, it was a disappointment within a letdown.

/5

-Backstage, "special friend" Joy Giovanni wishes Big Show "good luck" and they KISS! What the fuck? I thought during the Diva's Search, Carmella said Joy was married and had children! What a HOMEWRECKER that Big Show is! Sure, women can't resist his fat banana fingers, but that's no excuse. But on second thought, having squeezed out two or three rug rats would probably be to Joy's benefit. If only to make room for the Big Show if you know what I mean. (Think dropping a firehose into an anthill).

Big Show w/ the stink of ADULTERY vs. Luther Reigns, Mark Jindrak & Kurt Angle; Handi-cap match.

Match started off fine, but much like my lovemaking it got OLD pretty fast once it eclipsed the 5 minute mark. Typical Big man dominance, with heels triple-teaming to regain the advantage. Show rallies at about the 8 minute mark and destroys Jindrak with the alleyoop powerbomb (at least according to Smackdown for Ps2) and counters an Angle "cankle lock" by shrugging Kurt off, thus sending him flying to the outside of the ring. Luther then eats a huge boot to take him out (guns and knives don't finish this guy, but feet do?). This leaves just Jindrak, who gets finished with of all things an F-5! HERE COMES THE PAIN. Wait. No. There it goes.

Winner: WELLLLLL, IT'S THE BIG SHOW! SOMETHING. SOMETHING. LIKE YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! YOU WON'T SOMETHING SOMETHING. BUT I'LL PROMISE YOU'LL KNOW~!

Harry says: The irony of Kurt Ahmed being in a "handicap" match wasn't lost on me. I think Angle is truly one of wrestling's elite, but lately, the guy breaks his neck when he brushes his teeth. They've had to protect him for the last month due to his latest Wrecked-Neck-n-Effect. As for the other three guys in this match, the less said the better. As for the F5 tease, Brock coming back would be the best possible thing that could happen to SD now...so I've got five bucks and combo platter at Roberto's Taco Shop that says it ain't happening.

/5

-Backstage, Funaki conducts an interview with himself. Evil Spock Dudley then interrupts and Funaki asks him: "Knock knock"? Spike: "Who's there?" Funaki: "Armageddon". Spike: "Armageddon who?" Funaki: "Armageddon your title tonight!" Seriously. You see, it's funny because he can't speak English! Ya.

Funaki vs. (C) Spike "The Anvil" Dudley; Cruiserweight Title at stake.

YES. Spike Dudley is still rocking a goatee here that is reminiscent of Jim Neidhart. Well, in the event Anvil drained 2/3rds of the blood from his body. So, ya, if The Anvil was in the very last stages of AIDS, this would be what he looks like. Glad I cleared that up.

Unfortunately for these two, they get the death spot on the card, as the crowd was completely silent here. BIZARRO GOLDBERG. THEY'RE PIPING IN SILENCE~! Too bad, too, because it was a decent match; even if it did stay mostly on the mat. A really cool spot sees Funaki trap Spike in the tree of woe and then climb the buckle and jump on Spike's chest while he was hanging upside down. You know, I really need to get a tree of woe on my property. A few of those conveniently scattered, and neighborhood children just might start thinking twice about trespassing on MY LAWN, lest they be hung upside down and destroyed. That's right. Spike then blocks a tornado DDT by using his head as a battering ram into Funaki's stomach, then tries to finish with the Dudley-dog, but that's countered by Funaki, who scoops Spike's legs and rolls through for the pin and the Title. Cole sells the win as a peak in his "8 year" WWE career... although he's only been in the WWE for 6 years (he debuted in the spring of 1998 in the WWF as part of Kaientai to feud with TAKA Michanoku). Of course, Cole once described a steel cage as a fucking "carnivore" so I stopped looking to him for "credibility" a long time ago. Raw unbridled hatred? He's still my man.

Winner: (and new champion) Funaki. Rets heal it fol Funaki!

Harry says: So after half a year of turning back Rey, Chavo, and every other Cruiser on the roster, Spike drops the strap to Fu-fucking-naki? The only thing that makes a smidgen of sense about this is that Skankanie wanted to further bitch-slap Paul Heyman by de-golding one of his boys.

/5

-A dejected JBL is shown backstage worrying about his impending four-way match. The Bashams then come in wearing black turtle necks. All of a sudden someone yells out, "Now's the time on Sprockets when we dance!" as Techno music begins blaring and a full-out German disco dance party ensues. Ok, that never happened. But I'd be remiss if I didn't make light of their ridiculous Deiter-like apparel. Who knew that being Secretaries of Defense merited a wardrobe last seen adorning the body of someone drinking from a coffee cup the size of a fucking bucket? If they break into some angst ridden Haiku's I'm seriously out of here. Anyway, JBL is consoled by each member of his cabinet (not to be confused with his closet... for which he's yet to come out of. I mean, dude, he SOAPED Edge's ass once, you need more proof?), and Orlando and he share a hug. JBL sells the "I'm totally fucked" look here better than just about anyone. JBL rules. I can openly admit that. From a distance. With pants.

(C) JBL vs. Undertaker vs. Eddie Guerrero vs. Booker T; WWE Championship at stake

The story here was Booker and Eddie working together early to incapacitate JBL and Taker, then subsequently turning on each other after each tries to steal the fall. In a side note: I'd honestly like to see these two (Booker & Eddie) go at it in a feud, as to my knowledge, they've never really worked together. Hell, you could even build the whole feud around how Eddie's better at stealing than Book! Of course, all culminating in Eddie showing up Booker by successfully robbing a Wendy's. It's GENIUS.

Spot of the night goes to JBL, believe it or not, who powerbombs Booker through the announce table, but Booker is tangled in cables and lands awkwardly. JBL then improvises and hits a really stiff jumping elbow to put Book through the table. Almost immediately after though, Taker catches JBL and gives him the Last Ride through the Spanish announce table as I wonder to myself why Carlos and Hugo even bother showing up anymore. I think it'd be hilarious if it turned out after all these years that their head-sets were never even connected and there never was a Spanish feed. Poor bastards.

Anyway, back inside, Eddie is playing dead but Taker catches him and kills a big chokeslam. Taker then goes for the Last ride, but Eddie has the belt and clobbers Taker with it once he's up on Taker's shoulders. Haha. That's right. This IS NOT THE FIRST TIME Eddie has brazenly avoided an Undertaker! Read his book, you'll see!

[Note from 2006: Turns out it'd be the last, though. HIYO.].

Eddie then goes up and hits a big Frog splash, then another, but Taker STILL kicks out because he's the Undertaker, motherfucker. The guy survived being covered in gasoline once and lit on fire, and showed no worse for wear besides a tragic hairline, so ya, good luck with your Frog splash, Eddie. Maybe if you tried a larger amphibian to name a splash after you'd have gotten the job done. Maybe.

Eddie, now in desperation, brings a ladder into the ring and hits a HUGE Frog splash, but before he can pin Taker, JBL, now recovered, pulls the ref out. Eddie then goes toe to toe with JBL. On a side note: What the fuck does going "toe to toe" even mean? Everyone's feet on earth are level on the ground. What's so impressive? Eddie then hits the three Amigos (not Chevy Chase, Martin Short & Steve Martin. If only), but soon thereafter he's tossed out by Booker, who then turns his attention to Bradshaw, and oh my, HE'S RUNNING WITH SCISSORS KICK! Booker hits it on JBL and covers... only Taker breaks it up this time.

Taker, now recovered, destroys both Eddie and Booker with choke slams and signals for the tombstone on JBL; but as he has him up, Heidenreich runs in, without pants, because damn it, spontaneous non-wrestling run-ins merit underwear only, and breaks the cover up, before hitting a black hole (of workrate) slam on the Deadman and leaving the ring. At this point, all four men are down, and JBL recovers first, trying to pin Eddie who kicks out, followed by Booker who does the same. He then crawls over to Taker, who does the zombie sit-up. However, Taker then gets pulled out by Heidenreich who traps him in a cobra clutch on the floor. This then allows JBL to score a clothesline from Hell on Booker to finally pick up the pin. Good match.

Winner and still champion (until Wrestlemania, face it) JBL. Man, the bible's full of shit. I mean, who'd have thought the last thing standing after "Armageddon" was all said and done would be a big mouthed idiotic Texan standing tall? Actually, scratch that. Bush is still president, right? He's got plenty of time to make it so. Forget I said anything.

Harry says: The last PPV match of 2004 sees the Nazi beat the phenom, the five-time WCW champ, and the one who is STILL the most over guy in any brand, despite it all. How sickeningly fitting. Happy New Year from your friends in the WWE!!

/5

FINAL THOUGHTS: This PPV was really a two match show, with everything ranging from bad to worse. I don't regret ordering it though, because of my two match rule, but still I'm begging for something spectacular for my 35 dollars. This is usually how I also barter with prostitutes. They then usually rob me after I fall asleep. That said, as previously stated, there were a couple of bright spots, so it'll get my thumb. Do with it what you may, WWE!

I'm SEAN.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).