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WWE Armageddon 2003

by Sean Carless

December 14, 2003

Welcome to Armageddon. A moment you always knew would come, but always hoped you'd never be around to see. And now that it is finally here, you'll have to pay the ultimate price. In this case, $39.95 for a Goldberg/Kane/HHH match. Dear Lord. It's times like that you wish it really was the end of the world....

We are live from Orlando Florida, and for the benefit of those in the crowd who forgot that they were indeed Americans, Lillian Garcia belts out the National Anthem to start the show, and to celebrate the capture of some "Dictator" guy overseas. Apparently, this man was known for his constant evil scheming and would never come clean on all the things he buried during his tenure on top. And no, his name isn't Hulk Hogan; the things he buried weren't Ricky Steamboat, Randy Savage & Bret Hart; and the only weapons of mass destruction he possesses were those 24 inch pythons, dude. If only it was Hogan, though. What a shame. And hey, I know Hogan would never be found hiding in a hole like Hussein, but you know, maybe he should. If I had Jeff Jarrett on my ass pestering me about coming in to TNA to lay down for him, I think I'd go fucking AWOL too. Just saying.

Onto the show~!

Booker T. vs. Mark Henry w/ hands that can CRUSH APPLES w/ Teddy Long w/ head too small for his body.

The good news is Teddy Long has a new "whitey-hating" protégé that's actually black (I'm blacker than Rodney Mack, and if you shone a flashlight on me you could see my internal organs); but the bad news is it's Mark Henry, who although technically black on the outside, is still very much green everywhere fucking else. And this is after being in the industry for almost 8 years! Dear god. Oh, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that JR is constantly putting over how strong Mark Henry is. But hey, they wouldn't call him the "World's strongest man" if he didn't come in like last place in the Olympics! Wait. Why the fuck do they call him that again?

Anyway, Booker, who has yet to fully escape from WWE's Phantom zone, has an uphill battle here against the fucking Predator. He gets the advantage briefly with a huge missile dropkick, but that only gets two. If only it was a real missile. If only. Soon after, Henry gets the advantage, and hits the old rest holds...like 2 minutes into this match. Dear lord. As Big Mizark sweats oil all over Book in a chinlock, then a bear hug, JR once again reminds us of the awesome strength and fruit obliterating abilities of the world's 16th strongest man. "He can crush apples with his bare hands!!!!" (bear hands?). What a shame. That's probably the only healthy low calorie food he's ever held, and he just goes ahead and destroys it. You notice JR never mentions him crushing an entire rack of ribs, or a giant plate of pork chops. There's a reason for that. Booker makes his comeback, and rocks the big man with a huge bicycle kick. I used to use that one all the time. And sadly, I'm no longer allowed on the park bike path anymore because of this . Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Oh well.

Anyway, Henry once again regains the advantage with a big spinebuster, then gets a powerbomb sloppier than a dude with hooks for hands trying to eat a hard-shell taco; which hilariously enough I've actually seen. JR covers for Mizark's botchery by citing his INEXPERIENCE. Inexperience? The motherfucker's been around for 7 and a half years! Maybe he meant his experience in actually being fucking tolerable to watch. He's definitely a novice in that regard. Anyway, to bottom line this abortion, Booker T. ends up winning clean with two axe kicks. Or maybe we should call it the "ask kick" since Book pronounces "ask" as "axe", and I always assumed maybe the latter would be the opposite as well. Yup.

Winner: Booker T. Can you dig it sucka! And by that I mean a hole deep enough to roll Henry into so I never have to see him wrestle again. Although, part of me would like to see him feud with Big Show on SD. Show has hands like "frying pans" after all, and well, JR said Henry crushes them in his spare time. It just makes sense.

/5

-Mick Foley comes out to nice pop and tells everyone that the "Bring back Stone Cold" petition has one million signatures. On a side note, Triple H's "keep the belt on HHH forever" petition currently as 5 signatures, 4 of which have the last name McMahon. Imagine that. Foley says he's here to celebrate, and says he has someone who wants to celebrate with him. He then introduces Stacy Keibler, and she comes out wearing a cheerleader's outfit and does some cart wheels. God bless Mick Foley. And if I was in his position, I too would reach into my pants and pull something out, but it sure as shit wouldn't be Mr. Socko. Although, he'd definitely come in handy to clean up afterward...

Anyway, Foley and Stacy fool around until Randy Orton interrupts. Orton says he's "here to collect on... what he came here to collect on". Hopefully he's talking about a jock strap. Between him and Rene Dupree lately, they're giving the Dudley's a serious run for their money on the "got wood" catchphrase. Dear lord. Anyway, Foley decides that since Randy is out there now, he might as well have his match, which leads us to:

Randy Orton w/ Ric Flair vs. (C) RVD w/ EDUCATED FEET for Intercontinental Title: Mick Foley as Referee.

I was kind of surprised, but these two actually had some decent chemistry in the ring. Of course, since one half of the equation is RVD, I think we know what chemicals those might be. Anyway, lots of near falls in this one, and RVD of course stiffs the shit out of Randy with kicks. CRASH COURSE IN EDUCATED FEET~! I respect the fact that Rob's feet had the foresight to get a good education. Sometimes I kick myself (with my uneducated feet) that I never had the good sense to send my limbs for a proper post secondary school education. Maybe it's for the best though. With all those feet attending classes, that campus has to smell terrible. That's right. Anyway, Orton gets the move of the night when he pulls RVD into a DDT while Rob's legs were elevated on the ropes. That'll sober a motherfucker up fast. The end for Rob comes soon after when Ric Flair causes a distraction as RVD was heading upstairs, allowing Orton to crotch RVD on the top rope with a dropkick and hit the RKO for the win and the Title. Good match, but strangely Foley wasn't even a factor.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion, Randy Orton! Rob is now without gold. Well, until he gets backstage, anyway. There's probably a big fat bowl of the Acapulco variety waiting for him. So he'll be fine. Don't you worry.

/5

-Video package: Jericho/Xian vs. Lita & Trish. Dear God. Fucking Pinocchio is less wooden than Lita's acting here.

Chris Jericho & Christian vs. Lita & Trish Stratus

This match of course all stemmed from Jericho and Christian placing a bet...for one Canadian dollar, that they could bed Trish and Lita respectively, first. This of course didn't sit too well with the ladies. Imagine that. Although, I think it'd have been funnier if the bet for Lita was for one Peso, in honor of her alleged Mexican indiscretions. But hey, that's just me.

Anyway, Jericho plays up his apprehension of hurting Trish, planting the seeds of a face turn. I myself would much rather plant seeds in Trish, if you know what I mean. Did I say that out-loud? Ahem. Anyway, Trish starts off and is still FURIOUS at Jericho for considering her net worth to be one measly Loonie. But, hey, you'd be surprised at what you can buy for a dollar sometimes. In fact, just the other day I picked up a key chain at garage sale with a picture of Ponch from C.H.I.P.S. on it for only 75 cents! YES, SEVENTY FIVE CENTS...for PONCH. You CANNOT put a price on something like that! (mostly because no one but me would fucking buy it, but hey, whatever!). Trish should be HONORED. What the hell is wrong with her? Wait. What were we talking about again?

Oh ya, Trish aggressively attacks Jericho, who in turn tries to calm her down. Chris then attempts to accomplish this by TURNING TRISH OVER ON HIS KNEE AND SPANKING HER! Heh. Something makes me think that might not actually work in real life. But hey, who knows. You should give it a try! Next time your old lady bitches at you about not taking the garbage out, just flip her over and give her a few what for's on the asshole. She'll LOVE IT! And clearly she'll be eating out of your hand! (then waiting for you to fall asleep so she can kill you). Anyway, Christian eventually makes the tag, and he of course has no reservations about getting physical with the ladies. Oh, and his answer to Lita's anger is to tear her shirt off. I can tell you from experience that women seem to HATE this. Even more so when they've never met you before. Live and learn. Anyway, Lita is PISSED (but as she learned from Danny Doring, it's better to be pissed off, than, well, you know the rest) and kicks him right in the nuts. She then makes the hot(ty) tag to Trish who chick kicks Christian, as Lita straddles Jericho on the top. She tries a super frankensteiner on Y2J, but he counters, and Xian gets a two. Jericho then dumps Lita out and over, much like Fishman with her clothes in the dead of the night, and Jericho goes to check on a fallen Trish. As he helps her up, Christian gets a quick school boy and pin! Ha! Penises- 1 Vaginas-0!

Winners: Chris Jericho and Christian. Man, you'd think Lita would have fared a bit better here, seeing how she's used to taking on two dudes at the same time. Of course, Y2J and Christian's lack of multi-colored masks might have thrown her off a bit. Maybe that was it.

/5

-As Jericho leaves the ring, he gives a bewildered stare to Trish. Aww. Man, I hope these two crazy kids get together. If clotheslining a woman, disrespectfully spanking her, and equating her worth to one of the lowest denominations of currency isn't enough to create the foundation for a successful relationship, I don't know what will.

-HBK vs. Batista package. Batista makes Evolution proud by costing HBK the Survivor Series. And speaking of Evolution, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out just what part he plays in the group. I mean, Flair is obviously the dinosaur, HHH the Cro-Magnon and Randy Orton is Homo Erectus... but where does Batista fit into the whole thing? Only Darwin knows for sure. But unfortunately he's not talking. This is probably because he's been dead for over a hundred years. But hey, whatever.

Batista w/ Ric Flair vs. HBK w/ Jesus?

Much like our lord Jesus before him, HBK was forced to carry the burden of a large cumbersome object seemingly to the place of his unfortunate demise. For Jesus it was of course the cross, while for HBK it was the equally wooden Batista. And unlike JC, Shawn didn't have the luxury of a Good Samaritan to step in and help him finish the job. If only. And speaking of the Lord and HBK; Michaels has a new T-shirt with his logo inside a Jesus fish. Ya, that's not going to offend anyone. Not at all. But hey, why should it? Turns out, the HBK Jesus fish can be traced back to early first century Rome, where HBK fans would secretly communicate with another by sketching the HBK fish in the sand. You see, they had to do this, because being a Shawn Michaels fan in those days was punishable by death. Just like it is in Canada today....

Anyway, despite it being close to Christmas, there was to be no "Festivus" Miracles on this night, as Batista is even beyond divine intervention at this point. But I'll be damned if Shawn didn't try his hardest. Anyway, standard big person having his way with little person fare here ( not to be confused with the exploits of Michael Jackson) as Batista dominates with clotheslines and backbreakers. HBK however, comes back with a big DDT out of a Batista elevated choke. He then goes up and hits the "you better fucking sell this elbow drop" (ask Vader about it) and tunes up the band. However, Batista ducks and hits a big spinebuster. I have yet to see a spine ever bust though. That's just false advertising right there. Batista then picks him up and gets a second one. He then signals for the end. Either that or he has an epileptic seizure. I'm not sure. He goes for the sit out powerbomb from there, but Michaels wriggles free and hits a superkick out of nowhere and collapses atop Batista for the big win! Wow. that came out of nowhere.

Winner: HBK, who takes another chink out of Evolution. Intelligent Design ftw?

/5

-After the match, a distraught Batista refuses to leave the ring. Maven and his unibrow then comes out for a match with Matt Hardy apparently. And speaking of Maven's one fucking continuous brow , I'm personally convinced the reason he doesn't have any hair on his head is because his body was only able to barely produce enough of it to cover his eyebrows. Anyway, Batista, angry that Maven dare impede on his sulking (Sulkamania?), destroys Maven in short order and Matt simply rolls into ring and counts his own pin. Haha. Awesome.

-Backstage, Batista whines some more, as Flair gives him a pep talk, calling him "special" (Special like "Corky" from Life Goes On). Flair goes on to say even the best ones fall, but they get back up, and go at it again. Unless they trip and fall and tear all their muscles while jogging alongside the road, and spend 8 months on the shelf as a result. Just saying.

Tag Team Turmoil for World Tag Team Titles: Featuring La Résistance, Hurricane & Rosey, Cade & Jindrak, Val Venis & Lance Storm, (C) The Dudleys, Scott Steiner & Test & SUPER DUPER MYSTERY TEAM~!

La Résistance and Shit Storm (Hurricane & Rosey) start off. Hey! La Rez are no longer representing France, but are now instead making their completely nonsensical base of operations in Quebec. Heh. I guess someone finally figured out that we're not actually at war with France. Some people might say "hey, we're not at war with Canada either", but I think Vince's booking since 1997 has pretty much refuted that argument altogether...

Anyway, La Rez are not long for this world, a world that apparently only contains the U.S., and is opposed by everyone else who dare not be born on her fair shores, and gets eliminated in short order when Hurricane and Rosey drop a load of S.H.I.T. on them via a superfly splash by Hurricane off Rosey's shoulders. They then go back to Quebec to continue resisting... something? Bathing? Common courtesy? Take your pick.

From there, the only team in wrestling who sweats milk, Cade and Jindrak, sneak in and eliminate Hurricane when Jindrak hits a DEVASTATING SCHOOL-BOY ROLL UP, which apparently is his fucking finisher lately. BODIES BROKEN. CAREERS ENDED IN AN INSTANT. WHATEVER YOU DO. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

From there, Val Venis, Lance Storm and kayfabe penises that outweigh the team's combined weight, come out next and soon the crowd starts yelling "Boring" at Lance, apparently forgetting the poor bastard doesn't have that gimmick anymore. Apparently, packing a fucking rolled poster tube for a member is suddenly supposed to make crowds realize you're interesting and charismatic. They must have missed the memo.

After some pretty decent back and forth, Val hits the blue (balls) thunder bomb, and looks to suplex Jindrak, but Cade acts as the proverbial dose of saltpeter to Val, and chop blocks him, letting Jindrak fall on top for the pin, and sending the brothers in cock packing.

The Dudleys are out next and after several close calls they pick up the win over Jinrak/Cade with the 3D. Thank God. If Cade & Jindrak won the titles, I think I'd take a page from Jindrak himself and personally demonstrate my "incredible vertical leap" ...off a fucking building. With that said, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Bubba's new shorts here. Holy shit that's disturbing. Either Bubba's grown about 4 feet in height in the last few weeks, or he should fire his fucking dry cleaner. Anyway, speaking of things inexplicably shrinking, here comes Test & Scott Steiner as the *final team*. And dear lord, this segment was BRUTAL; and much like a bad blowjob, it seemed to go on forever with no payoff in sight. That's right. Test ends up using a chair on D-Von behind the ref's back, but Bubba breaks it up. He then hits a quick Bubba bomb and drapes D-Von's arm over Test for the cover and the win.

However, Eric Bischoff immediately comes out and tells the exhausted Dudleys that there is one more team in the match: Ric Flair and Batista. Batista and Flair decimate the Dudz in short order, as Batista powerbombs D-Von and pins him while Flair has Bubba and his son's shorts in the Figure-Four to win the Titles.

Winners and NEW Champions: Evolution! And another belt goes to the Faux Horsemen! Man, even Ray Charles could see where this is going.

/5 (total)

(C) Molly Holly vs. Ivory: Women's Title

Hey, since when does a person not even on TV for weeks get a world title shot? What gives? Err, let me rephrase that; since when does a person not Triple H who hasn't been on TV for weeks get a world title shot? What gives? That's better.

Anyway, they literally added this match at the last minute, as Ivory is defrosted from her Cryogenic chamber for combat. (They would have used Jacqueline, but her implants take up to 3 weeks to unthaw). And speaking of which, part of me wonders if in a couple of hundred years, there'll be a special room in Titan Towers containing the Futurama-like heads of people like Ivory, that can in turn be carted out in the case they need some random filler. Sadly, something makes me think RVD or Booker T. might be the first "volunteers"....

Kind of rushed and sloppy here, much like my lovemaking, but any Molly is a good thing in my book. Anyway, to bottom line it ('cause, I, umm, want to?) Molly gets run into a turnbuckle she exposed herself, and Ivory gets the roll-up, but somehow Molly rolls through and collects the pin with a hook of the pants. I know a guy whose dates usually end like that. He'll be out of prison in 8-10.

Winner and still champion: Molly Holly. The Pride of Forrest Lake, Minnesota! And not just because nothing else fucking happens there. Not even.

/5

Goldberg vs. HHH vs. Kane; World Heavyweight Title.

Ah, yes. Goldberg vs. HHH: AGAIN. Holy shit. This is getting old, fast. Clearly, at this stage, Goldberg should change his catchphrase from "Who's Next?" to "Fuck! You again?!"

This is of course a triple threat match, which I'm convinced was made after the company saw just how incredibly terrible Goldberg vs. Kane was on RAW. But hey, there is a silver lining. Kane & Goldy might not make great opponents, but they could make great 'Odd Couple' room mates! Just think of the possibilities! And this close to Chanukah, just think about how handy Kane could be in the synagogue! Hell, he could light all the candles on the Menorah by just lifting his arms!

Anyway, for those curious, HHH's gotten rid of the orthopedic hot-pants, so I guess the old Steph hammer must be all healed up by now. I guess he took my advice and forbid Big Steph to ride missionary position on their HHHoneymoon. With that said, this one NEVER really got off the ground as suspected; and Kane was definitely wearing his one size fits all bowling shoes tonight. It wasn't bad when Triple H was involved, but when left entirely to Kane and Goldberg, well, it wasn't pretty. I mean, you know that expression about Ric Flair and the broomstick? Well, Kane and Goldberg would be like that if you took Flair out and stuck another broom in...

Eventually, HHH and Kane form a brief partnership and double-team the Champ. Hey, you'd think that maybe Kane would hold some sort of animosity towards Triple H, seeing how IT'S BECAUSE OF HIM THAT HE HAD TO UNMASK THUS CAUSING HIS COMPLETE AND TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN. Plus, ya, he once made charges that he fucked a dead body. But hey, bygones are bygones! Yup. Goldberg briefly regains the advantage after Triple H hit Kane with a chair, but soon after, Kane recovers and choke slams Goldberg on the Spanish announce table, and HHH drops his angry armpit onto him to finally break it. Man, if I was Hugo & Carlos, I'd maybe fashion myself a Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler costume. That way people might get confused as to which table to obliterate, and you might get lucky and catch a break.

Anyway, with Goldberg out cold on the floor, Kane & Triple H suddenly remember they hate each other again and brawl, with Kane eventually choke-slamming Trips on the ramp. Eventually, Goldberg recovers, and spears Kane and covers for two. Yes, he survives a FLAMING DUMPSTER, but a flying hug has his number. I think not. Goldberg then spears HHH. Then ANOTHER for Kane. Holy shit, this match is like the instructions on a fucking shampoo bottle . "Chokeslam. Spear. Repeat." Kane recovers again, and goozles Goldberg; however, Goldberg shoots the hand back and we have a goozle off! Whatever the fuck that is. The two then just sorta stand there, bald, and looking like a Hair Club for Men ad gone awry, when Evolution runs in, and HHH low-blows Goldberg, allowing Kane to finally fire off the chokeslam. However, before Kane can cover, Evolution drags him out of the ring onto the floor and HHH steals the pin on Goldberg! No! Cue Captain James T. Kirk! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Winner and NEW champion: Triple H. Well, one would have assumed that since Triple H is leaving to film Blade 3 and all, that he'd maybe not GET THE FUCKING WORLD TITLE, since you know, you kind have got be around to be the complete and total focal point of a show. But hey, apparently "one" is an idiot. Who knew. What a lovely late wedding present this was! Memo to Wesley Snipes; the guy you see with the huge yellow hubcap holding up his pants tomorrow is your new co-star! Break a leg! (tear a quad?)

/5

End show.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Well, what a depressing mess of a pay-per-view that was. Normally, I'd be somewhat more tolerant of the Main Event result had it actually been a good match, but dear lord, that was bad. In fact, I think they should implement it as a form of capital punishment. And if the viewer doesn't immediately die, well, you can count on them trying to take their own lives. So you win either way. All kidding aside, this was a total one match show (RVD vs. Orton), and even that was, depending on your tastes in wrestling, just above average. So, all things considered, I have to give this one an inverted Mick Foley. Thumbs down.

I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).