Oceans of Hurt: The Plight of Aquaman, The World's Most Unreliable Super-Hero

by Sean Carless

January 5, 2008
Originally written in 2003

[The following was originally written in 2003, before every asshole and his brother jumped on the Anti-Aquaman bandwagon...]

You know who my heart goes out to? Aquaman. Although, I've always been of the school (HIYO) of thought that it should be written as "AQUA-MAN", and not "AQUAMAN". I mean, the guy isn't Jewish. Although, he may have natural a disposition towards gefilte fish given the sheer amount of time spent in the Ocean. But my point stands. Whatever that is. "Oy! Hershel Shlomo Aquaman, you better hurry your tookas up, or we'll all be late for Synagogue!" (Or maybe not. After all, the last time the Jews' were even close to a natural body of water, God actually parted it, to keep them all dry.).

Anyway, my point is, and yes, there is one, is that Aquaman is not the world's most reliable ... and dare I say, respectable... Super-Hero - even if he does get to use sea horses for fucking water ski's. Have a pesky "crime issue" leagues under the sea? He's definitely your non-hyphanted-man. Everywhere else? He's just an asshole is a one-piece orange fish unitard, walking around like you and I, his reinforcements completely negated. I mean, I *guess* there's chance that he could somehow channel a goldfish to rock his fucking bowl until it tipped over and fell on a criminal's head, thus knocking them out; but how many muggers, burglars, rapists and thieves are standing directly under a fishbowl? You see my point. He brings nothing to the table. Other than a pretty delectable assortment of Seafood. He has great access, after all.

But it's not really Aqua's fault; you'd think that comic writers would have seen potential issues coming...

Comic Book Writer #1: "Ok, Ok, we HAVE Superman. He can fly, pick up heavy objects and melt shit with his eyes. And we have Batman. He has neat little weapons, cloaks himself in darkness, and is a brilliant detective. But what would happen if either of these two suddenly found themselves in the Ocean?!"

Comic Book Writer #2: "Wait. Why would they be the Ocean? What's in the Ocean? Who'd EVER want to start any sort of shit there?"

Comic Book Writer #1: "Good point. But let's just say, just to be safe, we create a super-hero who'll have that base covered; we'll call him AQUAMAN. And he'll swim. My god will he swim."

Comic Book Artist #2: "But everyone can swim, pretty much."

Comic Artist #1: "But not as fast as this guy!"

Comic Book Artist #2: "What about Superman? He's pretty fast. Plus, he can breathe in space, so water shouldn't be an issue. Hell, if Flash can run that fast, he could probably swim pretty fast, too..."

Comic Book Artist #1: "Jesus Christ. You're right. Well, we'll just keep those assholes out of the drink, and give Aquaman the ability to, umm, wait, I got it! He'll be able to TALK TO FISH."

Comic Book Artist #2: "Wait. What will that accomplish?"

Comic Book Artist #1: "I don't know. Jesus. They'll squawk a lot and splash around. It'll be irritating. I don't know."

Comic Book Artist #2: "You know what? Why not? Maybe people will buy a few issues of this thing before they figure out how fucking stupid it is... "

... 50 Years later

Comic Book Artist #1: "Soooo, what if we gave him a beard, and a big fucking Trident?"

Comic Book Artist #2: "GOLD!"


So, ya, that's Aquaman in a nutshell, or crab-shell as it were. I feel for his ridiculous plight. Really, I do. In fact, given the sheer uselessness of Aqua sans water, you've got to wonder why he was ever even inducted into the Justice League in the first place. I can just picture the awkwardness:

Superman: "Lex Luthor and the Legion Of Doom have unfurled a scheme that could see life as we know it come to and end!"

Batman: "Ok, guys. You heard, Supes. SUIT UP."

Aquaman: "Umm, question. Does this "evil plot" by any chance take place near any bodies of water?"

Superman: "Nope."

Aquaman: * "sigh* well, I'll be in my room if anyone needs me."

Flash: "Ya, we'll call you if one of us falls into a fucking lake or something."

Green Arrow: "Ya, and maybe while we're gone, you can get some of your Dolphin buddies to fetch us some take-out or something. We'll probably be hungry when we get back."

Justice League: Hahahahaha. (in unison, whilst pointing at Aqua-Man).

Aquaman: "I hate my life."

Poor Aquaman. At least Namor has super strength.  But on the other hand, Aquaman does get to at least wear pants, unlike Submariner, who's forever cursed to be housed only in a pair of scaly underoos for eternity, dressed like the gay pool boy of fucking Neptune. And ya, Aqua will at least always have someone to talk to. Even if all he ever hears is "gargle, blump, blump." That's something... I guess.