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TNA Against All Odds 2009

by Neil Cathan

February 8, 2009


Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another superb edition of Totally Nonsensical Action! Today we'll be looking at Against All Odds, which, if the name is anything to go by, will feature sensible booking and the Frontline winning matches. Because who'd expect that, right? No news on whether WWE is suing TNA for using their advertising technique "Will John Cena prevail against all odds yet again?" As a PPV name. Tonight's card will feature...I honestly don't know. I just don't care about TNA anymore, so I don't bother to watch iMPACT, and recent exams have meant I haven't followed it at all. Between getting to a good university so I have a future, and watching young wrestler's futures get snatched from them, I'm happy with my choice.

Our evil black limo of environmental doom pulls up, and all of the Mafia sans Sting arrive. We then see Team 3D show together, and Sting arrives in an ugly ass yellow and black sports car. I thought Sting was a mime, not a bumblebee. Luckily, the hype video tells me about the card. It turns out there's a four way tonight for the belt, between Sting, Angle and both members of 3D. Shane Sewell fights Booker T in a main event nowhere in the world, and Scott Stiener fights his disturbingly obsessed fan in the form of Petey Williams.

Announcers go over the card, but I've learnt to drown them out.

Eric Young vs Alex Shelley for the TNA X Division Title

So the big story here is apparently that Alex Shelley will have to fight without the help of Sabin. Because he needs help to beat Eric Young, clearly. Shelley, the heel, as far as I recall is being treated as a babyface here tonight. Every Eric Young move early on is booed, while the fans chant "Shelley". Young sends Shelley outside, and there's some screwing around, before Young splashes out on Shelley. Shelley takes Young's legs out from under him. Tenay and West keep calling Eric Young "EY". Is Eric Young really too long of a name? That's like 2, 3 syllables. Shelley murders Young for a bit outside the ring, and then predicts every one of Young's moves before he does them. Eric actually starts to get a chant, which inspires him to hit what must have been his third move in the whole match. It doesn't last long enough for a fourth move. Shelley goes back to obliterating Young. Tenay seems to think that standing on the apron qualifies a count. Luckily our ref actually knows the rules. Shelley continues to work his extended squash match. Young rallies from a sleeper hold, and hits moves five, six and seven. Shelley, who has been hitting great offence all match, sells these moves like the match has been back and forth before now. Young goes up top, and gets a jawbreaker. Well, Young's time in charge was fun for all fifty seconds of it. Young throws some kicks, and goes for his finisher. Misses, but manages to hit a springboard legdrop after some other stuff I can't be bothered recapping. Moonsault misses, and we get some quick pinning combinations. Great match to start us off here, with the fans actually into it. Sliced Bread misses, Young tries for a wheelbarrow superplex, gets countered midair into a bulldog, and Young hits a frogsplash for two. Back up top, and both men miss super versions of their finishers. Rollup gets it for Shelley.

Winner, and still X-Division Champion: Alex Shelley

Brilliant four panda match to start us off.

Cut from the young exciting guys working an exciting match, to the Mafia cutting a promo. Bit of a contrast there. Kurt bullies Borash. Haven't seen that before. Angle's showing the year. In a moment of wonderful irony, Kurt talks about how the Mafia "pushes" each other.

Hype video about Steiner vs Williams. So the big story for this one is that Steiner was a mentor for Williams, an exciting time where Williams forgot how to work, and learnt how acting unprofessionally and beating the crap out of DDP backstage can earn you a title run in WCW. Later Williams would go off and guard the holy grail, where he would meet Indiana Jones, and in turn teach him the way of the Steiner. I think I lost where this train of thought was going. Right at the start of it.

Scott Steiner vs Petey Williams

My computer then acts like a bigger spaz than Eric Kulas, but Steiner takes so long making his entrance that it doesn't matter. Williams outmoves Steiner, which isn't too hard. Super Belly to Belly takes Williams out. It's all Steiner now. Interesting move, sort of a rope assisted flatliner, and Williams looks like a jobber. Well actually, he doesn't, but man, do the announcers ever bury him when they're talking about him. Williams has disturbing ass muscles. I want him wearing really long tights, like Steiner from now on. Canadian Destroyer blocked by Steiner, but Williams is able to hit a springboard codebreaker. Duelling chants. Series of strikes by William sends Steiner outside, where a rana is met with a powerbomb.Yes, Tenay, it was a powerbomb. Not "almost like a powerbomb type variation" It was a powerbomb. Tenay used to be so good, but it's been time to give him the Old Yeller treatment for a long time. Screwdriver by Steiner wins the match, cleanly for the Mafia. Yawn.

Winner: Scott Steiner.

Steiner talks about how he, as a Mafia member, is infinitely better than Williams, a Frontliner. How you treat a babyface stable, people. Joe's music hits, and Joe cuts a promo, wearing generic Samoan facepaint. Bleh. Camera accidentally catches Williams walking to the back nonchalantly after his brutal beating.

I don't know about this Joe gimmick repackage. One the one hand, it's taking Joe, and making him just another Samoan. On the other hand, he's been so buried, maybe he needs a repackaging. I don't know why I'm considering this so hard. It's TNA, they'll fuck it up either way.

The announcers, who have apparently forgotten that we've already bought the show, hype the card. Foley and Sting backstage. Foley puts Sting over, and Sting puts him over. With the circle jerk finished, Sting talks about Kurt.

Brutus Magnus makes his way to the ring. Nick Aldis, who writes shitty, up his own ass articles for my favourite wrestling magazine, is the man behind the gimmick, and I really, really don't care. He talks a bit, and I still don't care. CHRIS F'IN SABIN! If Sabin has to job in his hometown to get this useless lump of steroid ridden flesh over, I will not be best pleased.

Brutus Bitchcakes vs Chris Sabin

Sabin carries the load through some chain wrestling, and then bounces off with some shoulderblocks. Then the guy who was supposed to show up and make watching this bearable explains his absence. Misery loves company, and the lack of anything on the card is sure making me miserable. And I have to suffer alone. The fans also think this guy is boring. Sabin is being squashed, and it's so, so, dull. His finisher is the drizzling shits so far as moves go.

Winner: Brutus Magnus.

Fuck this shit. I hate that guy.

Promo from Team 3D. They build up the match. This whole thing seems stupid to me. Maybe I've just turned into a jaded fan, but it's because TNA has consistently failed to live up to their promise.

ODB vs Awesome Kong: TNA Knockouts Title Match.

Kongtourage is a deeply, deeply stupid stable name. ODB makes her way out first, holding a hipflask. I feel I might need mine to get through this show. The whole Kongtourage make their way out, refusing to obey Cornette's orders. Oh no! Here comes Jimmy himself, and has anyone else noticed that all the women who aren't white are heels? Kongtourage are sent to the back, and ODB starts brawling with Kong. ODB is winning. Then Kong is winning. Kong's awesome, ut the whole monster thing works against smaller people. This is just really, really dull. Back and forth. Forth and back. This match bores me.

So, who's seen the Wrestler? Damn good movie, and man, was Rourke ever perfect for the role. The Ring of Honor section made me very happy. One of the best films I've seen in a long time. Really recommend seeing it if you haven't already.

Oh, Kong wins.

Winner: Kong

Ray confronts Sting, and cuts a good promo. Lauren tells Sting Angle wants to see him, and Sting mumbles something.

The tension between Sting and Angle, leading to Angle inviting Sting into his room to see him in private feels so much like bad fanfiction. To take an example Mafia slashfiction: "Straddling the one beneath, he slowly slid his wet, slackened passage up and down the large member; while vigorously pleasuring a second with his mouth, running his tongue up and down and underneath the thick length. And two more Men took turns behind him, thrusting alongside the organ already embedded deep within, stretching him beyond what his body should have been able to sustain. "

I will never think of a Mafia Gangbang in the same way again. Or hear about wrestlers stretching each other. Eep.

Booker T vs Shane Sewell: TNA Legends Title Match.

Don't you need to be a legend, not just an old guy to have a shot at a Legends title? Announcers make a big deal of the lack of respect Booker has for Shane Sewell. Well, duh. Booker doing the cocky heel act really well, which is allowing this match to build really slowly. Like, REALLY slow. They hug in the corner for the fiftieth time, before Booker starts throwing chops at Sewell. Then owning him. Book-End, and Sewell kicks at two, before Sewelling up. Wrestler's should have names that are easy to apply the "hulk up" template to. Inconsiderate. This comeback is ridiculous, as suddenly the guy goes from being murdered, to owning Booker. Right. Sharmell pulls the legs out, allowing Booker to his the Axe kick for three.

Winner and still Legends champion: Booker T.

AJ Styles's music plays, and he makes his big return, kicking the crap out of Booker T. AJ Styles has the legends belt, and cuts a promo. Not a bad one, I guess.

Lauren backstage with Matt Morgan, who sounds like she is trying to put a couple back together. Matt Morgan cuts a shitty promo. Why is Abyss Lauren's boy? Did I miss something? Abyss has a girlfriend?

Man, the news that Abyss gets more tail than me is depressing as hell.

They then show the exact same promo again. I just had to watch the same bad Matt Morgan promo twice. As if I didn't already want to turn to drink.

Abyss is a monster again? Really? This news makes me nearly happy enough to forget that I had to see the same Matt Morgan promo twice, and then a Matt Morgan match. Almost.

Matt Morgan vs Abyss

Abyss is on even footing with Morgan. Turns put he doesn't get to be a monster. Lame. Referee disarms Abyss, and then the big guys brawl outside. Anyone know what's being done with Rhino at the moment? Abyss and Morgan brawl in the crowd. Abyss takes control, throws Morgan back into the ring, and starts throwing weapons into the ring. Ref takes the chair from his hands, and Morgan "hits" his finisher. He hits the air with his finisher. Elbows in the corner, and a Russian legsweep. Legdrop across the ropes by Morgan. Cross body block, and I'm starting to fall asleep. I can't believe there's another hour of this show left. Morgan takes control for pretty much the whole match, and it turns out I don't get to see Abyss be a monster. Abyss does a bit of a comeback. Abyss goes for the thumbtacks. Bag spills on the outside, ref bumps. Abyss looks sad, but he kept trying to get the weapons, so what the fuck? Morgan chairshots Abyss, who kicks. Ref then continues to flail around. Abyss chokeslams Morgan. Anyone else remember when Abyss was a monster? Those were the days. Abyss gets crotched on a chair, chokeslammed on a chair, and the ref, who woke up to count the two pins, has missed these. The ref gets chairshotted, Abyss Black Hole Slams Morgan, another ref comes down, counts the pin to two, only for...Abyss to hit another Black Hole Slam for three. So what was the point of the first pin not counting, or the bump, considering that no-one used weapons after that last slam. What retarded booking.

Winner: Abyss.

The Mafia assembles backstage. Sting and Kurt kiss and make up. Kurt tells Nash to keep an eye on Sting.

Beer Money vs Lethal Consequences: TNA World Tag Team Title Defense.

The hype video for this match is so stupid I won't even attempt to explain it. It makes as much sense at the 15 ref bumps in the last match. Roode rides a keg down to the ring. But I thought that Roode was money, while Storm was Beer. Is Storm suddenly going to come into money now? The announcers talk about how unique it is for two X-Div wrestlers to team together. Uh, guys, Machineguns? Nevermind. Lethal takes both out, and then the faces doubleteam. Creed and Lethal making quick shots and strikes, putting Beer Money into a 69. Hilarious miscommunication on the outside. Blind tag lets Storm bulldog Creed, and the heels are in charge. My eyes are drooping, so as Lethal is playing Ricky Morton at the moment, I predict nothing will change while I go get a Red Bull...

...Nope. Creed eventually makes his way back in, like a house on fire. Good to know that while Jeff's left for WWE, he's still in TNA in spirit. Not long before Creed is face in peril. In a nice spot, Lethal charges in, takes both heels out, throws Creed to their corner, runs back to the apron, tags himself on Creed and hit both with a missile dropkick. All four men brawl in the ring, Lethal combination, but Roode kicks. Jackqueline distracts the ref, allowing Storm to hit Lethal with a chain for three.

Winners and still tag team champions: Beer Money

Main Event up next! Know why that excites me? Because that means I get to sleep soon!

Kurt Angle vs Sting vs Brother Ray vs Brother Devon: TNA World Heavyweight Title Match.

Foley comes down for commentary. Kurt Angle gets a brief video, and makes his entrance. 3D walking to the stage, talking to each other about their game plan. I'm actually liking the new babyface Team 3D, I'll admit. They get a brief hype video. Sting in the rafters, Sting's hype video, Sting's entrance.

Mafia and 3D face each other down in the middle of the ring, and 3D immediately attack. 3D clear the ring, leavig Ray and Devon in the ring. Ray lies down for Devon, but Angle breaks it up. Big "E-C-Dub" chant, as the two tie up. The two throw punches at each other, and go at it evenly, to a big crowd pop. The Mafia members jump 3D, but their advantage is short lived. It's take a Brother Ray home night tonight, as Sting throws Ray into the front row. Devon chokes Angle with a cable, while Foley and the team joke about having Vince shouting in Mick's ear last time he did commentary. Sting and Angle have a dispute, allowing a comeback from 3D. Angle's bleeding, and both Sting and Angle in submission holds, while Angle tries to pin Sting from the submission. Angle fights out, tries to pin Sting, before saving him. 3D both sent outside, and Angle starts going for Sting's legs. Sting makes a comeback, hits the splash, gets the anglelock slapped on him, but 3D arrive to attack both heels for a big crowd. Sting clotheslines both members, and Angle slaps the slam onto Sting for two. Devon goes for a in on Angle, gets two, Ray uranages Devon for two. Angle punching Devon in the corner, but Ray sets him up for the Doomsday Device. Sting taken out too, and as they go for the Waazup, Angle Belly to Bellies Devon off the top, Ray clotheslines Angle to the outside, but Sting Deathdrops Ray for three.

Winner and still champion: Sting.

Good match that woke me, and the crowd, up. Kept it just short enough for all the teamwork intricacies to not get boring.

This show, overall, gets two thumbs way, way down. From the burial of the Frontline, to the fact that the returns made it clear that this was a filler show, to matches with Matt Morgan on the same show as a Brutus Magnus match, there was no reason to care about this show.

As usual, the rest of this site is great. Deadface Walking is the funniest weekly thing on the web, Nicole Cooper co-suffers TNA, ECW sees Christian leave this Neil's show for the other Neil's show, Cameron and Shane do great jobs with the other WWE TV shows, and to put over an old article I haven't had chance to put over yet, the Tao of Paul Heyman by James Swift is superb. Really good reading if you haven't already.

Anyway, I was Neil Cathan, and this was one of the single worst Pay Per Views I've ever had to recap. See you next month for more pain.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).