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50+ Random Star Wars lines you can use in the middle of sex to hilarious results.

by Sean Carless

January 26, 2011


Even though no dialogue written by George Lucas could ever possibly lead to any kind of sex (Chicks don't ever really seem to respond to the subtle romance of being compared to tiny rocks in the desert, go figure), many of the random lines uttered in the Original & New trilogies, like most things, can still be sexually misconstrued. That is what's going on below.

Originally inspired by myself and many others on the Fark Website clowning on Carrie Fisher about a month back, I soon took it one step further, seeing that as a Star Wars fan I had nothing better to do and possessed very few discernable alternatives anyway, and compiled the following list of quotes pulled randomly and non-sequentially from the Star Wars films themselves. The intent of course is that one of you, be it male, female or Gungan alike, will use at least one of these lines when that special coppulatory (and other made up words for GETTIN' THAT FUCK ON) moment arises - and then document what happens next. (Comparing her vagina perhaps to the Sarlaac pit and your penis to a stubborn Boba Fett blasting his way out? Good luck. It's your Jedi Funeral, pal.).

THE TOP 50+
(Randomly compiled & listed).


"...And I thought they smelled bad, from the outside!"

"You came in that? You're braver than I thought."

"Negative. It didn't go in."

"At that speed, you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

"Let’s *blow* this thing and go home."

"You've got something jammed in there real good."

"Sorry about the mess."

"It just impacted on the surface."

"I use them for smuggling. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself in them."

"Cover me, Porkins!"

"Boy, it's lucky you have these compartments."

"Look out he's loose!"

"The circle is now complete."

"It's no good, I can't maneuver!"

"It came from... behind!"

"Stay sharp. There's two more coming in."

"How long before you can make the jump to light speed?"

"Into the garbage chute, fly boy."

"Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!"

"I'm gonna need to get it out of this slimy mudhole."

"Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it."

“That malfunctioning little twerp, this is all his fault.”

"Yes, he's alive, and in perfect hibernation."

"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

"Sir, it's so good to see you fully functional again."

"He felt surprise was wiser..."

"If only you'd attached my legs, I wouldn't be in this ridiculous position."

"I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew."

"Rise, my friend."

"You have paid the price for your lack of vision."

"Red Three, Red Two, pull in!"

"Three more of them coming in, twenty degrees."

"I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come."

“Don't act so surprised, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time.”

“Will you forget it? I already tried it. It's magnetically sealed!”

“Put that thing away, you're gonna get us all killed!”

"I don't care what universe you're from, that's got to hurt."

"I don't want this stunted slime in my sight again!"

"I can't do it, Mom. I just can't do it."

"Now, be brave, and don't look back. Don't look back."

"My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness, oh!"

"Monsters out there, leaking in here. Weesa all sinking and no power!"

"Why do I get the feeling that we've picked up another pathetic life form?"

"You're the closest thing I have to a father."

"My goodness, you've grown."

"Ever make your way as far into the interior as Coruscant?"

"Mark your squad up behind me"

"Odd Ball, do you copy?"

“Maybe you'd like it back in your cell, your highness!”

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?”

"There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you."

“Away put your weapon. I mean you no harm.”

"Would it help if I got out and pushed?"

"What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me."

"Hurry up, goldenrod! Or you're gonna be a permanent resident!"

"They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected."

"You may fire when ready."

"Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!"

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).