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Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall

Session Eight: Past Modern

April 28, 2011


The following introduction is brought to you by the Professional Wrestling Column Machine 3000. This machine was operated by Stephen Rivera on April 27, 2011. He is currently away on business/pleasure, teaching The Undertaker how to fully embrace his Deadman persona by "Movin' Like Bernie." The views expressed in this introduction do not reflect nor represent the opinions of Professional Wrestling Column, Inc. and its subsidiaries.

How are you, reader? I am fine. Did you see recent sports entertainment event? What a great/good/average/below average/bad/horrible show. My favourite part of recent sports entertainment event was when Wrestler with Crew Cut was drafted to RAW/SmackDown. That came out of nowhere, did it not? Surely, Wrestler with Crew Cut is well on his way to the top/bottom of popular wrestling promotion.

In other news, Reader #14762 has a question that I would like to answer. This reader asks, "What do you think about the retirement of Edge?" Good question, Reader #14762. You are perceptive, unlike other readers who are not. I think that the retirement of Edge is sad. He had a great/good/average/below average/bad/horrible career. I liked that time in which he attempted to impregnate the canvas. There will never be another one like him/her/it. Best of luck to him/her/it, joining up with the Foo Fighters drummer and Jayson Werth to create the first-ever human shell game.

The preceding introduction was brought to you by the Professional Wrestling Column Machine 3000. Are you a professional wrestling columnist who is too busy to be a professional wrestling columnist? Impress your readers with the Professional Wrestling Column Machine. I give it 1/2/3/4/5 stars.

- I haven't been to a rodeo yet because I prefer the theatre, but a reader told me that he has seen cowboys use the Bronco Buster before. I thought that move only applied to the wrestling ring. Honestly, I don't know what to make of this buster. As one cowboy tries to stay on a bucking bull, some other weird cowboy bobs his business up and down in the corner? That poor, defenseless bronco. At what point do the rodeo clowns intervene? If I was in the audience, that corner action would distract me. The second cowboy must be doing it wrong, or very, very right. Like I said, I haven't been to a rodeo yet.

- Tough Enough has a point. Do you want to be a WWE Superstar? Run these ropes. If you collapse or vomit, you are not sports entertainment material. Are you interested in becoming the President of the United States of America? You must run these ropes. If you collapse or vomit, Americans will not give you the keys to the White House. Would you like to decorate erotic cakes? You better run these ropes. If you collapse or vomit, you do not deserve to draw tent openings and Williams on desserts. Do you want to run these ropes? You have to run these ropes first. If you collapse or vomit, you are in no condition to not run these ropes. Now run these ropes while I collapse and vomit.

- John Cena should cool it with his reckless hat throwing. No matter how many tall, stick-like, bald men are in the crowd, this isn't ring toss. This is real life.

The last time I attended a WWE live event, John threw his baseball cap into the audience and decapitated a seven-year-old Cena fanatic sitting in front of me. To my surprise, the child's body continued to live, saluting his hero as if the head was still attached.

Following a Cena victory in the main event, the body turned to face me and began to regenerate a new head of liquid metal. Putting on the very hat that threatened his life, the child then waved a hand in front of his metallic face to express that I still could not see him. He has become self-aware. He can hear and possibly taste my thoughts. Alert the National Guard.

- Catching your mother kissing Santa Claus would be traumatic. Catching your mother having a live sex celebration with Santa Claus would be much worse. Are they just going to roll around on the bed in their undergarments the whole time, gently touching each other? What's the point? If your mother is going to scar you for life, she should at least have the courtesy to make it count. She must commit to a plan. How about you let your mom and St. Nicholas take five, have some Coca-Colas, and come back with a rough outline of what they want to do?

- Rey Mysterio and Kane are prime examples of wrestlers whose masks propelled them to the top of WWE. Although, they could have been more successful if they wore body masks instead (a leather body suit that covers everything except the face). I call this the "Thomas the Tank Engine" look. On paper, you may think this an awful idea, but that's not the feedback I got from wrestling fans at the train station. Their one, constant facial expression suggested otherwise.

- I am happy to introduce a new segment to this column, modelled after the WWE "Did You Know?" bumper. Statman Forever: When it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen... more than Yahoo!, ABC, ESPN, the UFC, the NBA, the NHL, the NFL, and Major League Baseball. Source: Open-shirt Seal.

- Extreme Rules does not interest me. Although Triple-Threat Cage Matches, Falls Count Anywhere Matches, and Last Man Standing Matches are somewhat dangerous, they are in no way "extreme rules." In my opinion, an extreme rule is Adolf Hitler doing mad tricks on a BMX bicycle over Germany, or Benito Mussolini wrestling Mountain Dew away from Italians and chugging it in front of them at a marathon screening of Fast Five. Suffice it to say, I am disappointed in Vince's interpretation of the phrase.

- In hindsight, most wrestling critics believe Jackson Andrews was brought to the big leagues way too early. To my understanding, they're basing their opinions on his robotic clumsiness and vacant personality. Of course he acted that way. Tyson Kidd built him out of snow, then put a shirt three sizes too small on him to bring him to life. We are approaching the summer time. Therefore, we will not see him back up until winter.

- For special episodes of RAW in England, WWE tend to litter the entrance set with iconic British items such as a red telephone booth, a Rolls-Royce, or a double-decker bus. Why doesn't WWE use American set pieces for their shows in the United States? A replica of the Statue of Liberty, an apple pie cooling on a window sill, and a obese child could work well for American RAWs. Although, I do foresee a major problem having those three particular things in the same place. You might start the show with three set pieces, only to wind up with two by the end of the night, if you catch my drift. That apple pie could very well bring itself to life and devour the Statue of Liberty.

- I recently bought a Swiss mountain climber costume. I'm hoping to gain a spot in a future Money in the Bank Ladder Match or a regular, No Money in the Bank, But a Championship in the Bank Ladder Match. As I scale the ladder, the crowd can start humming the song from The Price is Right's "Cliff Hangers" pricing game. If I fall over, it won't be my fault. Somebody thought a Swiffer Sweeper was 70 dollars.

- To survive the wrath of Santino's Cobra, follow these simple steps: Hold your arm straight out, lift your forearm 90 degrees, tightly squeeze your fingers together, then turn your hand away from you in the shape of anti-venom. You have one chance to try this counter. Do not screw it up or both of you will succumb to venom poisoning.

- World Wrestling Entertainment is now "WWE." Finally, they decided to get the Orld Restling Ntertainment out. What an arrogant grouping of letters. I hope they never work in the industry ever again. I hope they get no face time on Wheel on Fortune. May they be charged for the hangings of many innocent men as well. I saw how they treated the F in WWF. Good riddance.

The rise and fall of F is one depressing story. After its release from the company name, the F sought refuge under an overpass, prostituting itself on the streets of Sesame. One rainy night, I came across the dishevelled letter as it lay face down in a puddle. Immediately, I picked that letter off the ground and carried it all the way to my front door. "Get the F in," I said to my other butler Archinald. The F was shivering and starving, on the verge of becoming lower case. F was not going to die on my watch, though. I would not let that happen.

In the following weeks, F regained its strength and tried to get its life back on track by working part-time as an eye chart and alphabet soup can model. Unfortunately, employers found out about its shady past. "You were the F in WWF, weren't you? If Vince McMahon didn't want you, what makes you think we do?" The next day, F packed up what little belongings it had and vanished into the wild. Legend says that in the dead of night, F emerges from the darkness, often sporting a beard in the hope that people mistake it for an E.

SEND FEEDBACK TO STEPHEN RIVERA

Stephen Rivera is the creator of The Swerved (2006-2010), Neon Ropes, and this column. First, in answer to your question, always. Second, thank you very much for naming your bug after him. His mixed doubles partner tells him it is actually a type of gnat. You strike him as a very special boy and a key member of the Rivera Society. He wishes he could come visit you in Kentucky and assist you with your work. He remembers your mother. Take care of yourself, reader. You've served well.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).