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Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall

Session 5: Rocket Scientist

March 17, 2011


Oh, hello. I didn't see you there as I was trying to avoid you with my eyes. Since we last kept in touch, I gathered a team of bright men and women from the scientific community. At the newly built Wrestling Fan Institute of Science & Technology, we are working hard to provide professional wrestling with the state-of-the-art tools necessary to succeed in today's entertainment climate. Burnt-out promoters; need not worry about coming up with new ways to attract cynical audiences . We are doing your jobs for you. You are welcome in advance.

Without access into WWE and TNA, I'm afraid we cannot integrate these technologies ourselves. What we can do is aid them afar, letting them take whatever innovations tickle their collective fancy. I am very excited about what we have in the hopper. My fellow scientists are less so as they were in the middle of curing life-threatening diseases. I can read people pretty well, though. They're excited on the inside.

A one-sided ring. Four-sided ring ropes. The debut of a ring ring announcer (a ring announcer who is confined to working and living within the boundaries of a wrestling ring). The subsequent debut of a ring ring announcer announcer (a ring announcer who announces the appearance of the ring ring announcer). An announcer ring (a ring that talks). A life-sized hamster maze in place of a ramp to diversify entrances. Ring pants rather than a ring skirt. The freight train of ingenuity is a-rolling.

While some of you might think these technologies will accomplish nothing, do remember that I am wearing a lab coat. Smile and nod politely while I, an authority figure in a lab coat, talk smart. No matter what I do or say, you will continue to support my scientific endeavours. A wrestling fan such as yourself is prone to breathing from the mouth. For someone her age, your mother has a libido that many observers would deem healthy. Your local sports team is not very good. I am more likely to believe that they would lose than win in various competitive scenarios. Offended? Don't be. I have a lab coat. Also, I am holding a beaker while talking to another lab coat-clad person with a clipboard. These are facts.

- Vince McMahon has asked me to direct the next Monday Night RAW. Despite my interest in taking the job, I'm afraid my radical directing style might not sit well with the WWE brass. For example, conventional wrestling entrances would be banned from my episode. In their place, wrestlers who are about to compete in a televised match will make their appearance in "sitcom introduction" form.

On cue, each one will look up at the camera and smile while engaging in a mundane activity. The following activities are acceptable: fixing a car, throwing a Frisbee at the park, replacing a bike wheel, reading the newspaper, making love, accidentally dropping something that should not have been dropped, playing house, retrieving the mail, sending mail, delivering mail, and threatening others with a broken bottle/bag of mail. The following activities are unacceptable: none.

- Looking for a fun game to play? Gather a few of your friends and have a blast "Flintstoning" the names of international wrestling superstars. For example, Kofi Kingston would be Kofi Kingstone, V ladimir Kozlov would be Vladimir Kozrock, and NXT Season Four Finalist Derrick Bateman would turn into Derrock Slateman. "Flintstoning" works with almost every name, except for The Rock. I'm drawing a blank here. I don't think it's possible. The Quarry? Forget it.

- Apparently, Randy Orton has beef with me. Once or twice, I criticized his excessive arm tattoos because they make him look as though he is wearing two sleeves of dirt. Randy was so mad that he threatened to punt me if he ever saw me crawling around town on all fours in a disoriented state. Little does Randy know that I am a shape-shifter. You want a piece of me, Viper? Form of football, then form of nothing. The doctor is out.

- Michael Cole insists that parkour is a fighting style. If that's the case, parkour is no match for my favourite fighting style: walking. For five years, I trained with professionals in the hardcore country of France to improve my walking abilities. I walked over, under, and through the Eiffel Tower. Now I can take on any surface in a fight. You see, I could attack this sidewalk with my bare hands, but you know what? I'm going to stroll over it. That will show the sidewalk who has the feet.

- Either WWE or TNA should tap into the teenage mother viewing demographic. They can start by altering that spot in which one female wrestler gains an upper hand over her enemy by feigning an injury. In place of the fake injury, the wrestler can stuff a loaded beach ball under her shirt, then turn around to face the referee and her opponent. "Time out, time out. I'm 16 and pregnant," she can say. In response, the concerned opponent will walk over to the young lady to offer some financial support and direct her to a quality day care facility. At that moment, the faker can use the beach ball as a weapon, take the pinfall, and celebrate with her real, out-of-wedlock baby backstage. She was 16 and pregnant, alright. She had a victory in the oven.

- I have chosen to sponsor a monumental event in which local grocery store workers compete in a ten-person, elimination tag match. Each team is convinced that they work in the superior section of the store. Which side is right? Which side are you on? The winning team gains full control of the checkout counters. Are you ready... for Bagging Rights? No matter who wins, our egg cartons will end up at the bottom of the bag.

- Vocal crowds give live events a big-time feel that harken back to the height of the Attitude Era. More often than not, the crowd's enthusiasm is quite contagious, inspiring viewers at home to join in on the boisterous cheering and jeering. I thank these crowds for making jaded viewers feel like kids again, as if they're watching wrestling for the first time. Although, I do not share the crowd's enthusiasm during punch exchanges between wrestlers. That's John Cena trading punches with Sheamus. Who is Yaybooyay "Booyaybooyaybooyay" Boobooboobooyay? Is that a Ring of Honor guy? I never heard of him. We must be watching different matches.

- Ever since Tazz promoted the long-term benefits of pigeon freedom, the letters from pigeon wranglers have been coming in fast and furious. Thanks to Tazz, pigeon wranglers everywhere are forced to work into the wee hours of the morning, coaxing rebellious pigeons back into their residences. One wrangler told me about his friend who had to dress up like a promiscuous female pigeon, luring male pigeons into their homes with sexually suggestive head bobbing. Eventually, his wife and children left him because he started to take pleasure in it. This is the biggest reason why TNA cannot expand its audience. The company transforms grown men into smoking hot pigeons.

- I regret to inform you that WWE management won't let me participate in the return of Tough Enough. Send your hate mail to WWE Headquarters with the subject line, "Oh No You Did Not, Dog Child (Mmm Hmm)."

I must have filled out the application wrong. Under first name, I wrote, Tough. Under surname, I wrote, Enough. Under level of education, I wrote, Enough. Under favourite film, I wrote, Enough. Under preferred steak consistency, I wrote Tough, Under tolerance level for redundant sentences, I wrote Enough. If I had to guess why they didn't like me, I would point the finger at my work information. Under occupation, I wrote, Being Tough Enough, but I checked the "Part-Time" box. Being tough enough for four days a week from 12 to 4 PM is not going to cut it. They have little interest in someone who is unable to sustain an extended period of satisfactory toughness.

- When WWE employees walk into an antique store in search of folding tables to purchase, do you think the salespeople panic and furiously chain themselves to the tables in a last ditch effort to protect the merchandise? "We've seen how you treat them. You're not welcome here. Get away, you monsters. Get," they say between fits of hysterical weeping. It's going to be okay, antique store salespeople . The bad men are gone. Stay strong. Can you do that for me?

- In the year 2525, "The Garden War" will wipe the planet of all wheelbarrows. Desperately searching for an alternative, humans will look to professional wrestlers for advice. After picking the wrestlers' brains, these humans shall execute wheelbarrow suplexes on smaller and weaker humans, using their legs as handles and arms as wheels. Eventually, they will discover that humans make awful wheelbarrows because their backs are not concave enough. That is when human wheelbarrows will be dropped on their faces.

- On dates, I like to impress girls ― the normal, attractive, and interesting ones at least ― by physically showing them where we're going to eat that night. A majority of them don't even watch nor like wrestling, but that's not a problem because women dig surprises. If you want to get on a fair maiden's good side right off the bat, take it from me. In the hours prior to your meal, get her attention by pointing at the glowing McDonald's sign above you. She should immediately understand what you're trying to tell her. Even then, don't stop pointing. The Road to McDonald's has begun, girl.

If she says she doesn't care for McDonald's, end the date and leave her side as soon as possible. You are too good for her. You deserve happiness. Besides, you will want no part of her McDonald's Revenge Tour.

SEND FEEDBACK TO STEPHEN RIVERA

Stephen Rivera is the creator of The Swerved (2006-2010), Neon Ropes, and this column. His column will be offered drugs, you know. It will have threesomes, dinners. You know, it will end up going into town in a taxi, have a couple of drugs, have dinner, have a threesome, go home again, have a shower, go out again, more drugs, more threesomes. Happens all the time.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).