Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall

Session 16: Dimensions

August 18, 2011

It has come to my attention that my employers are worried about me, “The Crown Jewel of The Wrestling Fan.” Recent rumblings suggest that certain issues in my personal life are beginning to interfere with the task at hand, which is to create revolutionary writtentertainments every fortnight. My superior (in job title only), Seanmore Carless, has attempted to contact me numerous times through electronic means. While I appreciate his concern, I am not in the mood to converse in this impersonal way. Unless a message is sent to me in a bottle, or by a reliable winged animal that can take a bullet, I will not look twice at it.

On his 116th try, Mr. Carless learned from his previous 115 mistakes and sent a carrier pigeon to my door. Clasped in the pigeon's talons was an unmarked bottle, which I received in my usual attire of a neon fringe jacket, a matching cowboy hat, and a pocketful of inedible jerky sticks. Upon opening the bottle, I discovered a strange booklet with my name on the cover. At first, I thought it was the draft of a screenplay based on my life story: a young man from a family of Marine... biologists goes from riches to slightly more riches by becoming a words-entertainment pioneer. Somehow, my assumption was wrong.

TWF Management have advised me to take what they call a "Mental Wellness Test." To be honest, I am not familiar with this test whatsoever. After asking around, I am either the first or one of the first employees to take the Mental Wellness Test. Under normal circumstances, I would find the taking of this test to be a demeaning and insulting endeavour, but I understand their position. They must look after #111 on the Maxim Hot 100 List at any cost. Plus, they promised to grant me a paid leave of absence if I agreed to take it. I get money on and time off for not being pregnant (again)? This deal is too good to be true. The score is now Stephen - 2, Kharma - 0 in the non-board game of Life.

In order to prove that I am willing and able to pass this little examination of theirs, I have forgone the process of mailing the completed booklet back to them. Without further delay, here are my answers, world. Gaze at their glory.

SEND FEEDBACK TO STEPHEN RIVERA

Stephen Rivera is the creator of The Swerved (2006-2010), Neon Ropes, and this column. He knows the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, and the clothes, and the fancy creams and lotions, but his life is good — really good. He gets to wake up every morning at 5 AM and write some columns. It's the best. He loves it. He gets to live in a lighthouse, all by himself, all of his life. That's fantastic.