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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

August 1, 2011


Cult of Personality is an overrated song. I’m totally serious.

Raw 08.01.11



Tonight’s show opens with clips of Punk and Cena leading up to the last PPV and Cena’s win last night followed by his return from last night. Punk stayed out of WWE almost a full week longer than Cena managed to. It’s definitely one of the better edited video packages from WWE I’ve seen in a while, though the sepia tone is way amateur. Pyro and theme kick us off proper after that as Michael Cole welcomes us back to ensure that we aren’t through with him yet (or ever, let’s face it).

CM Punk charges out with his title held high to his new theme. Punk says the champ is here and gets some chants going for him. Best…heel(?) In the business. He says he wants to tell us why he just came back. He says he knew for a long time when his contract was going to expire, so a year ago he struggled with as decision. He says he loves his job, just hates the people in charge. He said he had the choice to try and change things on the way out, or struggle in the status quo. He mentions the Domino effect (screw Deuce) and says his actions actively lead to the firing of Vince McMahon and he would like to take credit, but gives some to the audience. He says he is here to make this fun again for everyone.

He says that the short of it is he couldn’t change the business more by just showing up at Comic Con and sitting on his couch. So, he called Triple H and decided to come back. He says we are already back to the soul-crushing status quo of Cena as champion and then compares him to the black kid on the front row with a replica title belt. He reiterates that the title proves him to be the best professional wrestler in the world and declares himself the one and only WWE champion before being interrupted by Triple H. “Apparently, it’s time to play the game,” he says, non-plussed. Trips gets a mildly good pop. How many people get a pop for being a tyrannical dictator? Triple H says he wants to explain why he resigned Punk at his request, because it is good for business, just like bringing back Morrison and JR, despite Morrison only being injured, you fucking idiot. Trips says he put his personal feelings aside and gave the WWE Universe what they want. Punk wants to know what he means by Personal feelings. It might have to do with the whole doofus thing.

Trips says he thinks he’s a smug, over-rated, attention-seeking guy who puts too much stock in his own hype. So he’s Triple H. CM Punk just made that joke, but I beat him to it. He says he wishes Trips would come out and just say he hates his guts, but he’s just a huge commodity. He mentions how Vince has let big guys go like Batista, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho and Brock Lesnar, but unfortunately does not mention Angle. He says Trips couldn’t actually afford to see him go anywhere else. Trips counters with truth for truth, by saying Punk should say the real reason he needed to be back, because he’s nothing without his pipe bomb microphone. Punk says he’s the WWE champion, but Trips says Cena also is, but it will be fixed later tonight. Trips starts to leave, but Punk tells the truck to hold that music, before calling him back. Punk says he won’t be towing the line and going to classes to work the WWE style just because he resigned. He says if he wants to talk about egos…and delivers a bow.

He says it’s time to talk about Trips hogging the spotlight over so many people. Mention Katie Vick! Do it! He says he has always liked to throw his weight around. He does a pretty good voice impression of Hunter saying “He just doesn’t have what it takes” saying he’s said that in bed to his wife. He says even when he’s dressed like the poor man’s Conan (or the best Conan!), he’s still the same guy. He tells him to be careful who he pushes, because he likes to push back. Trips says his massive ego is currently telling him to slap all the tattoos off of Punk’s “skinny, fat ass” which makes no fucking sense at all. However, he isn’t going to do that because he has responsibilities now. He strongly suggests that Punk doesn’t break the same rules he is binding himself by. Punk: “Or what?” This promo is an eternity. He asks if Trips has to ask his wife for permission to beat him up first before leaving his pipe bomb in the middle of the ring.

Rey is shown gearing up in the ring and backflipping over Mysterio out of nowhere to toss him his t-shirt as well. Apparently they are tagging tonight and Mysterio has decided rematches for the title are for pussies.

Random Commercial Thought: The pepper looks like his dick.

We return to a Diva battle royal.

Diva’s #1 Contender Battle Royal

Melina and Gail were eliminated before I finished this sentence. I am not recapping this, mostly because it is terrible and pretty boring. This match is fucking awkward. Kelly Kelly is watching this match and saying that red carpet photos can not be photoshopped because she is fucking retarded in every way that has ever existed…..I swear to God we just went to commercial during this shit because of that half hour promo before.

Random Commercial Thought: There better not be in monkeys in that rising. Back to the show where things continue as expected until eventually Beth Phoenix eliminated both Bella’s with one hand each in the air. Kelly Kelly comes to the ring to hug her while Beth suddenly beats the ever living shit out of her. Good. There’s a small Beth chant for a moment. Beth says he days as the perky, cute, blonde, little bimbo are officially over. Hey, Kelly Kelly moved her elbows! I thought Barbie dolls couldn’t do that.

Winner: Beth

The only good thing that could possibly come of Kelly Kelly’s title reign is that she drops the title to Beth Phoenix at Summerslam. Beth jobs, I refuse to watch anymore Diva’s matches. I might as well watch actual porn instead.

Elsewhere, Truth is talking to his imaginary friends while Miz tapes up his wrists. Truth says they are alike, while Miz disagrees. Truth gets him to point out they both believe in conspiracies against them. Truth tries really hard to spell that. Haha. He’s black and uneducated. Miz starts talking to himself in anger an then asks himself why he’s doing that. Truth asks Miz why they were competing in a tournament if Cena and Punk were going to be duking it out instead. I think a lot of people are asking that question.

Random Commercial Thought: Conan the Barbarian, little known tie-in to the Cthulu mythos.

Back to the show for an interview with John Cena who says he will be out later when Trips makes his decision. You know what that means? Fuck wrestling, your main event is more talking, suckers! The tag match is up next. I got to wonder what R-Truth’s shirt is supposed to be. Is it a sleeveless straight jacket, or a white bullet proof vest.

Random Commercial Thought: Last week’s Smackdown was something like an hour and twenty minutes long without commercials.

Back to the show for the rest of the entrances.

The Miz & R-Truth vs. John Morrison & Rey Mysterio

Miz starts off with John who takes him out quickly and then attacks Truth on the apron. Miz manages to catch him with a clothesline from behind and takes over. Rey distracts Miz when Miz comes in to intimidate him, bitchslapping Miz for a leg sweep by Morrison. Rey tags in and sends Miz to the floor with a spinning head scissor. He kicks Truth onto Miz and then sentons onto Truth on the floor. Morrison corkscrews over the top rope onto Miz for yet another fucking commercial break. Sigh.

Random Commercial Thought: Can you imagine if a comedy show went to commercial break in the middle of its jokes? This is annoying.

Back to the show where Rey is being worked in a camel clutch by Truth who has forgotten he is black and not from the middle east, thus this move will do nothing. Truth decides since that didn’t work, he should try to take the way back machine to when abdominal stretches were effective. Miz tags in and levels Mysterio with a big boot for two. Cole is giving Miz extra-sloppy blow jobs tonight on the microphone. Miz Rey with his DDT after taking a kick to the face for another two count. Truth tags in, but Rey fights back with kicks. Truth shuts him down with the lie detector, but it only gets two.

Miz tags in and taunts over Rey…it doesn’t go well. Rey crawls through his legs, but Miz manages to get the shoe and drag him away. Rey eats the hanging clothesline in the corner before Miz climbs up top, only to jump right into a foot. Never recommended. Morrison gets the hot tag and so does Truth. Morrison hits some clotheslines and dropkicks before the back flipping slam on Truth for two. Morrison goes to finish it with starship pain, but Miz drags Truth out of the way. Rey leaps onto Miz outside. Back in the ring, Truth goes for his finisher, but it’s countered into a flipping kick that sets up a 619. Rey is tripped by Miz from the outside and sent out into the crowd. Morrison leaps into a kick on Miz, but turns around into the R-Truth’s still tragically unnamed finisher.

Winners: Miz & Truth

After the match, Miz destroys Morrison with a skull-crushing finale. Truth then finishes it off with the water bottle of doom. Somebody needs to check the lead content of that water. Triple H is interviewed in the back and says Punk needs new material than the old stuff about his wife. Trips says Cena needs to keep this strictly business tonight because he’s kind of sick of this crap. Nice little curtain wall back there, Trips.

Random Commercial Thought: Smackdown commercial has the whitest man who has ever lived vs. the blackest guy in the company.

When I think wrestling. I think Twix. We see a flashback of when Ultimate Warrior showed up and raped Honky Tonk Man for some reason to end the longest IC title reign of all time. That seemed….really oddly out of place. Vickie and Dolph are out next and Cole relives fantasies of a Miz, Cole, and Vickie sandwich. Excuse me while I barf for the next three hours. Dolph is here to tell us he is the best ever in the ring, even though people are more hyped for the WWE title holders. He says he is better than anyone in the back and so Alex Riley answers the call. He asks if Dolph is such a man, why does he hide behind a woman. I would hide behind Vickie too. She’s scary as shit.

Alex tells Dolph to be a real man and drop her. He accuses Dolph of being afraid of being exposed for what he actually is. A former member of the Spirit Squad? Dolph decides it is time to throw down and starts removing the suit before just taking a walk, like all good fights should end. Santino is in the back with Ryder, now wearing a Cobra sleeve on his Cobra Arm. They are facing the tag team champion who walk through the back like two guys who know they are doomed to be fired before this time next year.

Random Commercial Thought: I should challenge for the internet championship. I think I might be able to make a decent claim for it.

The tag champs march out before Zack and Santino hit the ring.

Zack Ryder & Santino Marella vs. WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga & Mike McStupidName (Non-Title Match)

They replay Cole’s loss from last week. Santino starts off with Mike and ducks a clothesline, but Mike just punches him in the back of the head. Santino looks like he’s wearing a crappier version of a Rob Van Dam suit. They double clothesline him in the corner. Otunga tags while we get huge “We Want Ryder” chants. Santino is getting raped in the corner. I miss Ryder’s old outfit. Santino finally breaks away from Mike who is working him over in the corner. Ryder gets the hot tag and hit’s a double knee on a charging Mike. He takes out Otunga for some Woo Woo Woo chants before picking up two on Mike. Santino chases off Otunga with his puppet snake, but Mike counters the Rough Ryder by throwing him over his head. Otunga tags in for a combination back breaker and elbow to the head for the three.

Winners: Otunga & Mike

Cole makes fun of Zack’s custom title belt that he shelled out the cash for, ignoring that the WWE title is just a custom spinner belt. They have a new theme, I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: Warlocks blow ass. Just saying.

Back to the show for a replay of the Triple H/Punk conversation from earlier in the night. We got half an hour left in the show, why not waste it doing nothing productive whatsoever anyway? Following this, Punk is interviewed in the back as well. He says he consulted the magic eight ball. He says he was just testing Hunter and he passed with flying colors. Best test ever? He says he and Cena just had one of the best title matches in history and he won.

Oh wow, we actually get another match tonight. I like how since this match is the default main event, it wasn’t advertised at all as happening. Why doesn’t Ricardo say the Spanish for Money in the Bank as part of his introduction?

Random Commercial Thought: We haven’t had a 7-11 here in years.

Back to the show where they replay Kofi losing last week to Del Rio. Well, without Kofi there is only one face left…

Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Evan Bourne

Cole is now fighting with Jim Ross about being a tool. Oh yay. Uh. Tweet Police? Fuck me. Bourne runs into a week boot in the corner that just looked half assed. Rio kicks him in the side and works his arm around the ring ropes, delivering a dropkick to the shoulder for two. Cole just declared Del Rio to be an MMA fighter. News to me. Also, he’s an Olympian. The athlete kind, not the god kind. Evan fights back with some kicks, but Alberto counters with a back breakers out of nowhere. Del Rio works a standing arm bar. Evan tries to fight out, but just gets beat down anyway. He flips out of a suplex attempt and starts kicking away at the knee. Evan lands a flying knee to the jaw and goes up top. Well this match is over…for Evan. Alberto runs up and kicks him in the arm before finishing with the cross arm bar.

Winner: Del Rio

Alberto always looks so happy after he beats someone, like he just came a little each time. Del Rio puts the arm bar back on after the match, but Kofi shows up to chase him off.

Random Commercial Thought: Hot chick fights in spandex. Yawn.

Back to the show where Triple H joins us. I’d like to point out the lovely Andre the Giant has a posse sign in the crowd tonight. Trips is about to tell us what he’s going to do when he’s interrupted by Johnny Ace. He introduces himself. What did he do after he retired? Smoke cock-shaped cigarettes from the day he retired? His voice is awful. He mentions he is head of talent relations, which he took over from Jim Ross. He tells Trips he has been in the corporate structure for a short time while John has been in the company for over ten years now. He says he knows how Vince would want this handled and that is to strip the title from John Cena. This gets a huge pop.

Speaking of huge pops, John Cena has something to say about that. He declares himself to be like Larry Bird for some reason. Cena says Punk should have put John on the titantron as a Yes, Man (starring Jim Carrey) when he was mentioning such. John accuses him of suggesting the title strip because Cena clocked him one at the PPV. Cena tells Triple H he will not have the title stripped because a goon who wears a suit and used to carry a skate board (which is way worse than carrying big-ass padlocks) says so. John says he made the decision based on the fact that CM Punk beat him, not because of Cena’s unprofessional behavior. Cena reminds him of punching in the face again, since it was his favorite moment. He says it was so good, he should do it again right now. Triple H tells John not to look at him, he doesn’t have a problem with that, John takes a journey out to the floor. Amusing moment there.

Cena says asks if he can strip Triple H of being the COO and take his job since he beat Triple H at Wrestlemania once. Trips agrees his claim to the title is legit, because Punk didn’t respond to the contract he was offered until Cena had a title in his hand. Punk interrupts this. He gets booed hard by a group of Cena fans at the ring entrance and points and laughs at them. He says he sees the writing on the wall as he gets huge chants that he thinks Trips is now going to strip him. Trips says if he was going to get to finish he would say- Cena interrupts him to try and respond. Trips finally tells them to stop calling him Hunter because he’s their boss. He says they will settle it his way in a match at Summerslam for both belts. He tosses his microphone and storms out on them. Punk and Cena duel by holding their belts up again for reactions. They keep switching music too.

Highlight of the Night: The opening segment was pretty entertaining, but the matches were boring and lack luster.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva battle royal. At least Beth did something afterward.

WWE “Creative” Award: So…Ryder is a figurehead on Smackdown and also a tag team wrestler on Raw? Wut?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).